


With Love From the Hastings

by Mustang_Girl16



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst and Feels, Child Death, Childhood Trauma, Domestic Fluff, Don't Like Don't Read, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Medical Jargon, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Miscarriage, Nightmares, POV Natasha Romanov, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Sick Child, Suicidal Thoughts, Undercover as Married, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:24:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 79,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11435025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mustang_Girl16/pseuds/Mustang_Girl16
Summary: Steve and Natasha are assigned by Director Fury to a deep-cover mission after a year as partners. They are to assume the identities of Christopher and Melissa Hastings, a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Natasha thinks the mission seems simple enough-for a master spy that is, but bringing Steve along could prove challenging; lucky for her he’s always up for a good challenge.Only one problem-well two. Alexis and Eleanor Hastings. The young daughters of Christopher and Melissa. They just so happen to be their only ticket into Rhino Tech, a company the Hastings had just signed onto. The company has also been on SHIELDs radar for several years now.Can the Soldier and Spy find a way to both take down Rhino Tech and protect the young girls? Or will this end like Natasha fears? Leaving Alexis and Eleanor like Irina Drakov…Just another stain on her ledger.--PLEASE SEE WARNINGS IN NOTES





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *Waves shyly*  
> How you guys doing? I'm doing good, like I got a job finally! Yay! The upside to my shaky life at the moment, but sadly the shakiness has spread to my writing and well right now I'm losing motivation for other pieces so I hope that moving on to something else right now will help me pick up that motivation again.
> 
> A little bit about this story. I started working on this back towards the end of December and now I'm finally comfortable posting this. This will be a slow burn, angst and don't expect a quick hook-up between Steve and Nat, that's not what this story is about. It's different for me normally since most of mine it's usually quick well kinda. but if you thought Something Green was angsty and long this will be longer and not in terms of waiting but length as well. This will be the longest fic I've written yet. The chapters will be longer as well.  
> Also I'm kinda throwing the time line out the window after the first Avengers.
> 
> WARNINGS: This will mostly be from Natasha's point of view, with Steve's as well. Therefore be prepared for some dark shit. There is also a sick child involved. If you do not like that please do not read. I will give warning ahead of time for things more Natasha related, but as for the child it's going to be focused a lot on that. I will be talking a lot from experience from my own childhood and so this may come-will come across-from that perspective making it real. It'll also have my moms input as a parent so like I said, please if that upsets you don't read this. We all have our demon's we don't like and things we can't read or see because of them.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Marvel Characters. I own the plot and the made up ones. I will reference further on quotes and places and the like. I make no money off of this sadly but whatever. Did I miss something? If I did I'll add it as I go.
> 
> On that note, Let's see what you guys think! Enjoy this first chapter and feel free to tell me what you think.

Natasha stirred at the sound of feet padding softly into the bedroom. The bed dipped and she let a small smile grace her features as she felt Eleanor and Alexis settle down in between her and Steve. _Oh these girls were too precious._ Natasha opened her eyes and was met with Eleanor’s soft blue ones. Her hair was tousled from sleep and she was still in her princess footie pajamas. A bright smile spread across the little girls face as she saw Natasha wake up.

“Mama.” Natasha reached over and running a hand through little-Eleanor’s waves. Honestly it was slightly weird how she did almost look like Steve.

“Morning malyshka .” Steve must have woken between the girls’ entrance and now, as he reached around and pulled Alexis tight to his chest giving her a kiss a top her head. She giggled and tried to squirm out of his grasp.

“Daddy! Can we have pancakes?” Alexis asked cheerily. Steve hummed in fake thought.

“I don’t see why not.” Steve released the little girl as they got up to go start breakfast. Eleanor immediately followed hopping off the bed toddling after him, leaving Natasha to watch as they headed down to the kitchen.

She slipped on her robe and was about to head down herself when her phone started buzzing. She looked at it curiously as she picked it up. It was Saturday and Rhino Tech liked their weekends sometimes more than their black market affairs. She stared at the number wracking her brain as she tried to remember who it was. _Fury._ It was his old office number form the Triskelion.

“Hello?” Natasha didn’t want to call him out personally, but she didn’t have to wait long till Fury’s gruff voice came through the other end.

“Agent Romanoff, it’s good to hear from you.” Natasha smiled. They haven’t spoken to each other like this since right before Alexis turned three. Since then it was all information drops.

“It’s good to hear from you to Nick.” If she didn’t know any better she could have sworn she heard him smiling on the other end.

“We’re a go. 0-7-8. Start packing, it’s time to come back.” Fury ended the call before she could process his words.

_0-7-8_

_Mission a success._

 

 _Twelve months earlier_   _…_

_The Triskelion, Washington D.C._

 

Steve and Natasha had just arrived back from a three day mission with the STRIKE team when they received word that Director Fury wished to see them both in his office immediately upon their return. It had been a little over a year since Natasha had been partnered with Steve and, all things considered, it had been going rather well. It had been a rough start, but they eventually discovered common ground and she found herself actually growing to favor the soldier.

Now don’t let that fool you. She liked him well enough but she wasn’t about to go off spilling her deepest darkest secrets to the man. A movie night here and there to help him catch up was good enough for her and seemed good enough for him. Hell, he didn’t even shy away from her teasing anymore, instead turning it into banter. He could be a sassy little shit when he wanted to and she enjoyed seeing just how far he was willing to go.

Fury usually only called them into his office after assignments for debriefings. So she was a little surprised to find out he wanted them to go out on another mission.

“Take a seat.” Steve and Natasha sat down in front of Fury’s desk as the man stood before them. “I’ve got a mission for you two. Deep-cover.”

“You want us to do a deep-cover mission?” Natasha asked. She hadn’t been assigned any major undercover missions since being partnered with Steve, so this was odd.

“Yes. While I did originally plan for the two of you to stick to a STRIKE detail, it has come to our attention that this mission is going to require special circumstances.”

Fury walked around to sit behind his desk as the room became secure. The panels on the back windows turned to screens as various pictures and documents flooded their view.

“Meet Christopher and Melissa Hastings. They’re pretty much your modern day version of Bonnie and Clyde. Except these two leave at least one body everywhere they go and know how to hide.” Fury explained.

“So they’re thieves?” Steve asked, looking over the information on the screens.

“Among other things. What they’re really well known for is their undercover operations. These two have been on our radar for nearly five years, and separately for nearly a decade.”

“So they were on our radar for ten years and then somewhere in that time frame became partners?” Natasha looked at the surveillance photos on the screen as she tried to figure these two out.

“Yes, and when they did, they became high on our watch list. All we’ve ever been able to obtain were grainy surveillance photos and some DNA, which led nowhere since they had never been in the system. That is until two days ago, when we made contact through a black market weapon’s dealer.” Fury pulled up information on the weapon’s dealer.

“Okay, so we got them?” Steve asked in confusion. Fury smiled as he turned to face the two agents.

“Yes we did.”

“Then why are we here?”

“Because of a little snag we ran into. Seems these two liked Bonnie and Clyde so much they decide to go down like them,” Fury sighed deeply as he sat back in his chair.

“Okay still not seeing the point here,” Natasha said, growing slightly irritated with Fury’s lack in details.

“Turns out they were planning on moving operations back to the US. Even bought a cute cozy house in the suburbs of Philadelphia. The problem? They had both just been hired by an independent contracting company, not unlike Stark Industries, called Rhino Technologies. This company has also been on our radar for quite some time. These ‘other things’ I mentioned, have to do with weapons dealings.”

“And you have reason to believe this company hired these two for their expertise.” Steve finished.

“More than reason, proof. We found encrypted emails from Rhino Tech  to the Hastings and vice versa. In the emails were electronic copies of employment contracts and information on the residence outside the city. The contracts were signed, house bought, and plane tickets booked. They were all set to start a new job and life. Problem we now have is once Rhino Tech learns of their deaths, they’re going to go underground.”

“Leave without a trace and SHIELD will be out years of work,” Natasha narrowed her eyes at Fury, “So why are we here?”

“The Hastings were set to leave for Rhino Tech in less than a week. The way these two operated was they never met in person unless necessary and it was never until the day of. We have Rhino Tech stating in an email to them that they looked forward to finally being able to meet them. According to Christopher, they had a few jobs to complete before fully going over to Rhino Tech and that’s why they haven’t relocated yet.”

“You want to send two agents undercover as Christopher and Melissa Hastings to obtain information,” Steve concluded.

“Not just any agents, you two.” Steve and Natasha shared a glace, as Fury cleared all other information on the screen and pulled up the photos of the now deceased Christopher and Melissa Hastings.

“Okay that’s a little freaky,” Steve said staring at the couple that just so happened to look eerily similar to himself and Natasha. The only difference was Christopher’s hair was brown and he had a beard, and Melissa had long blonde hair.

“Just a little,” Natasha agreed.

“While the situation is not ideal, no one knows what they look like. All they have to go off of are blurry pictures of side profiles and little hints here and there. Anyone who has ever met them in person has ended up dead. We have the opportunity to infiltrate Rhino Tech and finally get the proof we need to bring them down.”

“How long?” Natasha asked, knowing just how long these types of missions could take. She’s heard of two month long missions turning into years.

“It all depends on what you find. Rhino Tech’s not going to give you two access to everything just like that. You’re going to have to gain their trust. In all honesty,” Fury let out a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t know. Everything we found when we took them down suggests they weren’t planning on going anywhere any time soon.”

There was something Fury was holding back and it was a little disconcerting.

“What aren’t you telling us? You always have a solid timeline, even when you’re unsure.” Natasha stared at her boss daring him to brush her question aside.

“There is something else you two should see,” Fury rose from his desk telling Steve and Natasha to follow him.

* * *

Fury led them down to the Medical Bay, through the halls, past patient rooms until they reached a secluded hallway with only three rooms and a small nurse’s station. As they walked further down the hall, Natasha could hear the sound of a baby crying. One look at Steve told her he heard it too.

As they neared the end of the hall the crying had turned to wailing and Natasha’s hands balled into fists on instinct. The blinds had been drawn so they couldn’t see inside. Fury knocked on the door, only entering after a faint “come in” was heard. Inside, the room was covered in cartoon safari animals. There was a crib in the center of the room surrounded by beeping monitors and other medical equipment. A rocker was situated next to the crib where Maria sat with a small baby, the apparent source of the wailing. When Maria looked up, she was immediately relieved.

“Maria,” Fury greeted.

“Oh thank god!” Maria stood up and walked over to them.

“I take it babysitting isn’t going to well?” Fury commented face as impassive as ever.

“Going well? Not even close. She hasn’t stopped wailing since she woke up this morning. Apparently she’s got a slight fever and the doctor was useless, saying it will go away on its own, gave her the weakest amount of Tylenol in the world and left. Haven’t seen him in three-four hours. Just me and a crying baby,” Maria looked haggard and Natasha could tell she was itching to run away and hide. Fury picked up they infants chart looking it over.

“Why didn’t he give her more?”

“Because of her heart. Which all this crying isn’t helping. Her fever has almost broken the two times she managed to fall asleep, but it only lasted 20 minutes tops and once the fever came back the crying started all over again.” Natasha backed up just a bit from Maria, as the woman got this look of crazy on her face.

“I’m sorry whose baby is this?” Steve asked looking at the tiny infant.

“The Hastings,” Natasha’s eyes widened.

“They had a child?” she blurted out.

“Please tell me SHIELD didn’t take out the Hastings because they were trying to protect their baby?” Steve cringed when Fury and Maria both looked down at the floor. He took the file from Fury and began looking through it.

“We had no previous knowledge of the child; otherwise, we would have taken a different approach. It turns out the child’s the reason we caught them, the reason they got sloppy.”

“She’s sick.” Steve looked up from the folder as he continued. “Born six weeks early, with a rare heart condition and possible other health conditions due to her medical diagnosis.”

“Sadly. They had used up all they had trying to save their daughter. Doctors gave her a grim diagnosis. They started doing extra jobs, but it wasn’t enough. They were smart enough to know that they wouldn’t ever be able to pay back the loan. At least not in terms of money, but in time and jobs. Through a secure channel they heard Rhino Tech had some dealings in loans and that led them to making a contract.”

“Save our daughter-we’ll come and work for you,” Natasha finished. Now everything was starting to make sense.

“Rhino Tech agreed and wired them enough money to pay for her to have a procedure done that would make it safer for her to travel,” Maria concluded.

“You want us to go undercover with the baby?” Steve asked before Natasha could even open her mouth.

“Well, it would look pretty weird if Christopher and Melissa showed up without a baby now wouldn’t it?” Fury eyed Steve and then looked to Natasha.

“No,” Natasha said without hesitation, leaving no room for discussion.

“Natasha I understand your hesitation-”

“Exactly. My answer is no.” Steve watched as Natasha turned and left the room not wanting to hear any more of what the Director had to say. Fury looked away from the closing door to Steve.

“Look, I see the need to take down Rhino Tech, but I have to agree with Agent Romanoff on this one. If you’ll excuse me,” Fury nodded and took the file back from Steve as he opened the door walking from the room.

As Steve walked down the halls, he couldn’t help but wonder about Natasha’s reaction towards the situation, or more specifically to the baby. It wasn’t the reaction of someone who didn’t care for children, but cared, maybe because they themselves had a child. Natasha would tell him if she had a child. Right? _Unless she no longer had a child._ Steve shook himself of those thoughts. It was none of his business and if it were important she would tell him.

_Maybe._

* * *

Steve drove home a few hours later after trying, and failing, to get anything done. He couldn’t stop thinking about the mission and more importantly the baby. He unlocked his door, setting his Shield against the back of the couch as he made his way to the kitchen.

“Hey,” Steve jumped as he turned to see Natasha sitting on his couch. _She really has to stop doing that._ Steve rolled his eyes at his partner.

“Not that I don’t enjoy your visits, but maybe next time send a text message to, oh I don’t know, let me know you’re in my apartment?”

“Now where’s the fun in that?” She smirked, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes as she looked down picking at the pilling on the throw pillow in her lap. He could see there was something on her mind and he wasn’t sure it was necessarily a good thing.

“Never,” Steve furrowed his brow at her as she lifted her head back up to meet his gaze. “You’re wondering if my reaction earlier today was because I have or had a child. No. I’ve never had any and never really plan to either.”

“I wasn’t-” Natasha narrowed her gaze at him, because yeah okay she was right and he was still as transparent as ever. “You don’t have to-”

“I wasn’t planning on it.” She cut in. Another few moments of awkward silence passed before Steve spoke.

“So what’s really on your mind?” Natasha sighed as Steve sat down in the chair opposite the couch.

“Same thing on yours I assume,” Steve nodded.

“Eleanor,” Natasha looked at him confused so he clarified. “The baby. Her file said her name was Eleanor.”

“Ah…This is a terrible idea.”

“How so?” She looked at him as if it were obvious.

“Assuming her parent’s identities to sneak into Rhino Tech is one thing on its own, but bringing their baby in with us? Steve, Fury doesn’t even have a time line for this mission. If we do this we could be under for _years._ ” Steve nodded.

“I know. But it still doesn’t change the fact that she can’t go into the system. If they find out Christopher and Melissa are dead they’re going to go after Eleanor as a means of reimbursement.”

“Yes they will, but she’ll be put into protective custody I’m sure. I know what you’re thinking Steve and trust me I want to take out Rhino Tech too, but we need to think this through. Think about what’s best here.”

“What do you think that is?” Natasha sighed as she leaned back into the couch. She had to pick her words carefully. While Steve wasn’t a spy, he was damn good at throwing your words back at you.

“She’s only six months old, babies are more desired than older kids, and SHIELD will ensure that whoever she goes to will never be found. They’re good at that. We take a deeper look into the emails between Rhino Tech and the Hastings and dig until we find something damning enough to take them down. Even if we don’t find anything, it’s still a start. We’ve taken people down with less. Once we do, she’ll be safe and can live a normal life with a family who will take care of her.” When Natasha met Steve’s gaze again she knew he wasn’t convinced and to be honest she wasn’t all that convinced either.

“Your right about Rhino Tech,” She narrowed her eyes at him, knowing he was about to throw something back at her.

“But?”

“You forgot one very important detail about Eleanor. She’s sick. While she may be a baby, she’s also a ticking time bomb. People don’t want kids that require trip after trip to the hospital and spending thousands of dollars on a child that could end up dying down the road. And the system will only do what is minimal to her survival and you know it.” Steve scrubbed his hands through his hair as he tried to figure out how to proceed.

“This is just as much a protection detail as it is an undercover mission. While I don’t like Fury’s idea of using the baby, I can’t help but think that she might have a better chance of living if she came with us than if she didn’t. I get I’m not the expert on things like undercover-”

“Exactly, you’re not Steve. And you’re right, she is sick. Bringing her with us might just do more harm than good. Trust me, when it comes to missions involving children-” Natasha caught herself. “She’s better off in the system.”

Natasha got up and walked to the door. As she put on her jacket and opened the door she turned back to Steve,

“She’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll see you in the morning.” Natasha walked out the door closing it hard.

Steve sat there thinking about it. She was right and he needed to let it go. Steve went to bed that night unable to get the little girl out of his mind, but somehow managed to get at least a few hours. Natasha was not as lucky though. She sat up all night praying to whatever god was out there that she wasn’t making a mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Okay, I gotta make this quick since I gotta go get ready for work, but a little bit about this chapter.
> 
> We get a little bit of closer detail into Eleanor and her condition. I put it in layman's terms as much as possible. There will be a lot of medical jargon that I will explain, don't worry. The condition Eleanor has is oddly common, but treatable but also daunting. You'll see what I mean. This is not what I had as a kid, as I mentioned I'll be pulling from my own experiences. But I still saw kids go through this so I know. Trust me and I looked this up a lot. So if you have any further questions don't hesitate ask.
> 
> Enjoy!

The next morning came around and as Steve arrived at the Triskelion he went up to Natasha’s office finding her bent over her desk trying to finish up a report.

“Morning,” He said handing her a cup of coffee that she took eagerly.

“Thanks.” Steve slumped into the chair in front of her desk about to take a sip of his coffee as Maria walked past the open door. She back tracked into the room looking like she hadn’t slept in days.

“You look like you got hit by a truck,” Natasha commented, looking the other woman up and down. Maria dropped into the chair next to Steve, as he offered her his coffee.

“Bless you,” Maria said before taking a gulp of the hot liquid. “I never want to see another baby as long as I live.”

Steve looked at Natasha, as she avoided his gaze Maria continued.

“I mean, I don’t understand how such a small little thing could make so much noise, without stopping! And my mother wonders why I refuse to give her grandchildren. If I hadn’t already decided it wasn’t for me, last night sure as hell confirmed it.” Natasha glared at Maria, she really didn’t want to hear any more about the baby, but apparently it was all the other woman had to discuss.

“Was there a reason for this visit or did you just come here to complain?” Natasha asked bitterly, earning a scolding glare from Steve and a withering glare from Maria.

“Yes actually. Do either of you have the file on the Hastings op? I can’t find it and Fury needs it to debrief Lewis and Gaines.”

“Lewis and Gaines? Why is Fury debriefing them on the Hastings?” Steve commented.

“What? You think just because you and Romanoff said no, means Fury’s just going to abandoned the mission? Ha! That’ll be the day.” Natasha’s head popped up at hearing this. Steve met her gaze as they both rose from their seats heading out the door.

“Wait! So do you have it or not?” Maria called after them.

* * *

When they reached Fury’s office, Natasha barged right in just as Fury was about to secure the room. Fury’s eye narrowed at the two agents.

“Agent Romanoff, Captain Rogers this is a privet meeting-”

“Out, now,” Natasha said to Lewis and Gaines. They looked at her than at the Director before getting up and scurrying out of the room. "We'll do it."

“What?” Fury looked at her wide eyed and in slight shock, as did Steve.

“We’ll do the Hastings op,” Natasha told him.

“We will?” Natasha glared at Steve and he straightened, quickly catching on. “I mean, we will.”

“I thought you made it clear-” Natasha cut the director off.

“I know what I said, but since it seems you intend to go through with the mission regardless, it might as well be with the most qualified.” Steve stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. It wasn’t like he was planning on saying no, quite the opposite, but he was still shocked by Natasha’s sudden change of mind.

“Captain, are you both on the same page?” Natasha nudged him in the side.

“Ow!-yes.” Steve grimaced.

“Well, alright then.” Fury came and opened the door to two very confused and slightly scared agents. “Your services are no longer required. You’re both dismissed.”

“Here are the complete files on both Christopher and Melissa Hastings, as well as Eleanor and Alexis Hastings.” _Wait what?_ Natasha looked over at Steve who was just as confused.

“Wait! Who the hell is Alexis Hastings?” Fury smiled smugly at his agents.

“Alexis is the oldest child, Eleanor is the youngest. As I was saying, I expect you two to be ready to leave for Philadelphia by Friday morning at 0700. Natasha I’ll leave you to help Rogers with his change in appearance. Everything you will need to know is in those files. I suggest you two go down to medical at some point to talk with the doctor overseeing Eleanor’s care. She has to be on some medication or something like that I don’t really know, but he can fill you in. You have three days. Dismissed.”

Fury said this all the while practically shoving them out of his office and closing the door before either had time to protest.

* * *

“Two! There are two of them! What the hell is Fury thinking!?” Steve slumped down on the couch back in Natasha’s office deciding it was best to let her get it out before saying anything.

“Two kids! He should have mentioned that! Not to mention depending on the eldest age she could probably tell the difference between us and her parents.” Natasha ranted, pacing the room. “Two kids!”

Yeah Fury really should have mentioned that part. It complicated things and she was right, depending on how old Alexis was, she would be able to tell they weren’t her parents. Steve opened the file to see if it stated Alexis’ age. As he read through the file, it dawned on him-the file-the _Hastings file._

“Nat.” He tried, but Natasha was still going through her tirade. “Natasha!” She stopped her tirade and turned to look at him.

“What?!” He glared at her before holding up the file.

“Didn’t Maria come in here saying she was wondering if we had the Hastings file, because she needed it for Fury?” Natasha’s face faltered and she crossed her arms in anger. _That son of bitch._

“He played us. The son of a bitch played us!” Natasha sat down next to him covering her face with her hands. Of course he wouldn’t bring in another set of agents. No, he’d find a way to convince the original ones. _Ugh! How could she have not seen it?_

“Well we can’t back out now. It gives a time line of six months and Alexis, the oldest, is only two. She’ll notice, but the likely hood of anyone from Rhino Tech meeting the girls is slim. We’re good at what we do, I don’t have to tell you that. If we think this has gone on too long we pull the plug. Especially if it’s going nowhere.” Sighing Natasha turned to look at him.

“One kid I can do, but two? And one with major health issues?” She laughed bitterly shaking her head and sitting back. Steve smiled at her and she glared at him. “What? What’s so funny?”

“I think-no, I know-why Fury also wanted me for this. You all have a tendency to forget I was a ninety pound asthmatic before the serum. And Asthma was at the bottom of that list. I know how to take care of a baby with health issues, specifically stuff like Eleanor’s. With the procedure she’s had it will help support her heart. It’s almost exactly like mine, and with modern medicine and less stress we shouldn’t have to deal with episodes like the one Maria just dealt with yesterday and last night. As for Alexis, she has a clean bill of health. The staff currently looking after her, wrote that she’s been very well behaved, but extremely quiet and keeps to herself. It in all honestly, won’t be that bad.”

Natasha just stared at him. She honestly had forgotten he hadn’t always looked the way he did. The oldest would be easy enough and if Steve could handle Eleanor, then this could be done, maybe even in the six month time frame. They wouldn’t be able to finish early, that’s a given, but not too far after that for sure. And he was right, she’d already said yes. No going back now. It was just protection and intel, nothing more. _Yeah right, that’s what the last one was too, minus the protection._ Natasha nearly shuddered at the thought. She could do this, _they_ could do this. She would have Steve too.

“Fine. But we need to assess everything before we act. I refuse to be caught off guard again. We should meet with the doctor whose looking after Eleanor and then go down and see what we can figure out about Alexis from the agents assigned to her.” Steve nodded knowing full well this was going to come back and bite him in the ass.

* * *

They went down to medical and Steve saw Natasha’s shoulders tense as they neared Eleanor’s room. It wasn’t quiet, but it wasn’t like yesterday. No, today they could hear a little bit of talking and what sounded like a little girl’s laugh.

When they got to the room they saw someone must have brought Alexis up to see Eleanor as she was currently sitting with her sister, playing with some toys. Eleanor wasn’t necessarily playing, but Alexis seemed relaxed and content, sometimes showing Eleanor the toy and giving it to her. The report was right, Alexis seemed to be pretty docile and maybe even closed off, but if their parent’s lives told them anything it was that the girls were more than likely extremely sheltered.

The doctor looked up from where he was watching the girls and smiled at the two agents as he walked over to greet them.

“Doctor,” Steve shook his hand, as did Natasha. They stepped away from the room into the hallway to talk.

“Seems you fixed the screaming,” Natasha commented a little awkward. The doctor chuckled.

“I’m not a pediatrician for a reason. The first thing Alexis said after an entire day of saying nothing was ‘where’s sissy?’ We took a chance and so far it’s panned out. Eleanor’s fever finally broke about an hour later and hasn’t come back since. She even managed to get a few hours of sleep as did Alexis.”

“Well that’s good. What exactly can you tell us?” Steve asked as the doctor sighed opening the file in his hand.

“In lay man’s terms, Eleanor’s going to need open-heart surgery in a few months tops,” The doctor said grimly.

“What’s wrong exactly?” Natasha asked nervous.

“Well, she has what’s known as Tetralogy of Fallot. It’s a heart condition in newborns and infants. It’s actually a combination of four different heart defects: Ventricular septal defect, overriding aorta, pulmonary stenosis, and hypertrophy.”

Natasha and Steve stared blankly at the doctor trying to decipher what it was that he was talking about. The biggest thing that stuck out in Natasha’s mind was _four different defects_. FOUR.

“Okay, I know a few of those words, but can you put it in more laymen’s terms?” Steve asked. Natasha could see he was now just as tense as she was.

“Of course,” the doctor nodded. “This is a congenital heart defect. It’s not unheard of and it is treatable. Most, if not all, babies born grow to live happy normal lives. Now they might not be able to do strenuous activities like sports and whatnot, but other than that, normal.”

“Okay, that still doesn’t tell us what’s wrong with her.” The doctor could see Natasha was losing her patients.

“Most babies are diagnosed while still in utero, but with the Hastings, my guess is Mrs. Hastings waited till she was in labor to go to a hospital or clinic, hence why we have Eleanor’s case. Most babies, once born, get the problem taken care of right away, if their healthy enough for it. But I believe Eleanor wasn’t diagnosed right away which can happen and isn’t unheard of. The Hastings most likely noticed her symptoms in the first week or two. Cyanosis, heart murmur, fussy and irritable one moment then sleepy and unresponsive the next. This is seen when she has a Tet spell like she did yesterday.”

Now that Steve thought about it, he did see she looked a little blue yesterday.

“But is it fixable, more importantly will she be okay to travel?” Natasha knew they had done a procedure of some sort before the Hastings had been found. The doctor pulled up some images on his tablet.

“Yes. What they did helped stabilize her. Because of the Hastings’ situation they were not able to give her the full care the young girl needed. Eleanor’s heart has a hole between her septum of the two ventricles, this is causing oxygenated and un-oxygenated blood to mix. Then you have her aorta which instead of being connected to just the left ventricle, it is connected to both the right and the left. Now her pulmonary valve, here, is narrowed making it difficult for blood to be carried to the lungs. Lastly the right ventricle becomes thicker and more muscular than the left due to having to over work to pump blood through the narrowed pulmonary valve.”

Her head was spinning. How can one child have so many issues?

“Okay, so the procedure?” Steve asked. The doctor sighed and pulled up more scans.

“What the doctor or whoever did her surgery did was only temporary. This is what made her stable enough to bring here. What they did was connect the pulmonary arteries with one of the large arteries. This helps to relieve some of the strain. They seemed to have left the hole alone probably hoping it would close on its own, which in some cases it does; but in Eleanor’s, I see no sign of it closing. Whoever did this procedure was not an expert. I’m not even an expert so this is about as much as I can tell you.”

That was a lot to take in all at once. The doctor let them absorb the information for a few moments before handing each of them a packet explaining everything along with a list medications and information on who they were to meet once they reached Pennsylvania. The doctor left a half hour later after back and forth questions about care for both girls and that was that. Natasha was seriously regretting her decision the more they learned. Not that she would regret keeping these girls safe, but dragging them into this…she really needed to stop thinking about it.

“Okay, so it’s a lot more complicated, but at least this thing is fixable,” Steve said to no one in particular as they peered in through the window of Eleanor’s room. At some point during their conversation with the doctor, both girls had fallen asleep.

“Yeah. I just hope that whatever is waiting for us in Philly helps. The faster this thing is taken care of the easier the mission will be.” It sounded cold, but Steve knew her well enough to know it meant she cared, but wasn’t going to take the risk of compromising a mission for it. “We should let them sleep. We need to finish mission prep and pack up your place. Mine might be mission ready, but yours, not so much.”

Steve rolled his eyes half-heartedly as they left the girls to go prepare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think about sneaky ol' Fury? And what about the Eleanor? We'll get to meet Alexis next chapter and then the ball will really get rolling. Sorry, but I love my set-up chapters.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Okay so head's up, I'll try to get updates out every four days or so, but if it falls on the weekend it may take longer because of work.
> 
> Okay, that aside, we get some more interaction with the girls this chapter along with some visits from some friends of ours. This is a light chapter all things considered and this one along with the next chapter are going to really solidify the mission so to speak...that doesn't make sense does it? Either way this chapter gives you a picture for your minds so happy reading!
> 
> WARNING: At the end, just fair warning for nightmares. It's like the last paragraphs. Other than that fluff!

The next few days passed by in a blur. Clint had come by and Natasha informed him of the mission, leaving out any specific details, like the girls. She knew Clint wouldn’t be too keen on Steve being involved in a mission like this, but Clint trusted her enough to teach Steve everything he’d need to know. Clint also knew Steve would do his damnedest to make sure he got it down to a T.

She and Steve decided to meet with Alexis after they’d both dyed their hair and Steve let his beard grow out and got tattooed. Steve actually didn’t look half bad, but it really did make him look different so that at least made her feel better about being recognized. Though it would take some getting used to.

“This feels so weird,” Steve commented as they made their way to the daycare-yes SHIELD surprisingly had a daycare-to meet Alexis.

“It’s not a bad look, though I’m not looking forward to having to keep redoing your tats,” Steve chuckled.

“You and me both,”

They spotted Sharon Carter, who had been asked to watch Alexis when they walked into the daycare. Natasha wasn’t too familiar with Sharon, she worked with SHIELD Secret Service, but she did know the woman was good at her job from the few conversations they’d had over the years.

“Wow…that’s just weird,” Sharon said upon seeing them.

“Take it you saw the Hastings’ photos?” Natasha asked and Sharon nodded slowly still taking them in.

“Yeah and that’s just…wow,” Natasha gave her a tight lipped smile agreeing.

“Yeah. So how’s Alexis been?”

Sharon shrugged. “Quiet for the most part. Probably a little traumatized, but she hasn’t been a problem. Just slightly stubborn.”

“So still two, but with the mentality of a sheltered child,” Natasha concluded and Sharon nodded.

“Basically, yes. Come on she’s over here.” Sharon led them to where Alexis was sitting at a small table coloring.

Sharon walked over, bending down to the little girl’s level, and pointing in their direction. Alexis looked up and when she saw them she hesitated, before running up to Natasha crying. The agents watching on nearly passed out as Natasha bent down lifting the little girl into her arms rubbing her back as she gently swayed.

She knew how to handle kids, contrary to popular belief, she just preferred not to. Especially in a setting where she would have to grow close to the child. Sharon was right, Alexis was probably traumatized and only being two she couldn’t express exactly what she was feeling and why. Fury hadn’t said where the girls where during the take down. Shit like that stays with you, no matter how old or how much you remember.

Her tears finally started to subside as she loosened her grip on Natasha. Natasha looked down, brushing the hair from the girl’s face and wiping her tears from her cheeks. She really was a cute kid, with poker straight, dark brown hair like her father and bright, blue eyes and chubby cheeks. Natasha smiled at her.

“It’s okay. All better now right?” Alexis nodded slightly. “Do you wanna show me your drawing?”

She nodded again and Natasha walked over to the table kneeling on the floor. Alexis kept one hand balled into Natasha’s shirt as she showed her the coloring pages. She didn’t say anything just pointed to the pictures as Natasha smiled at the drawings telling her how beautiful they were. After a little while, Alexis started to relax more, even glancing occasionally in Steve’s direction, but still refusing to go near him or anyone else for that matter. This confirmed Natasha’s suspicions about Alexis being attached to her mother, telling her Eleanor would probably react best to Steve.

Natasha had planned it so that it would be more towards the end of the night when they met so Alexis would fall asleep and they’d be back in the morning to collect the girls for the mission. They were sitting in her office a few hours later finishing up filling out the paperwork needed in order to care for the girls.

“Hey, you okay?” Steve asked her after a little while. Natasha looked up to see him watching her with slight concern in his blue orbs.

“I’m fine.”

Steve nodded going back to his work, but she knew he was still concerned.

Natasha knew she was distant after visiting with Alexis, but after Irina…she was just grateful Steve knew what was okay to ask about and what wasn’t. All he asked was if she was okay and he took her none to convincing yes to tell him it was just going to take some getting used to. Steve nodded in understanding. He was patient like that and she was grateful.

* * *

Natasha didn’t sleep more than an hour before Steve knocked on her door. She could tell he hadn’t slept either and it somehow made her feel a little better. She grabbed her bags, turned out the lights, and locked her door.

She found Clint waiting to say goodbye. Clint was headed off to some place in India and wouldn’t be back for a while, so at least they’d both be busy. He gave her a hug and warned Steve to make sure this didn’t end like Budapest. He laughed and walked away leaving Steve confused. Natasha rolled her eyes and turned to Maria, handing her the keys to her apartment (or at least one of them), her cellphone and main forms of identification, and the keys to her corvette.

“I know how much gas is in it, what I left in it and where I left my seat, I will know.” Maria just smiled at her and took Steve’s things as well, including the shield, which the woman assured wouldn’t leave Fury’s office.

Heading down to pick up Alexis made her nervous. She didn’t know what to expect, children were unpredictable that way. The little girl was still asleep when they entered the room. When she woke up she was still groggy, but recognized Natasha and did the same as the day before, minus the crying thankfully. She noticed Alexis was clinging to a small bear and figured it was more than likely a toy from her parents as it was clearly well loved.

Eleanor was already awake and bright eyed. As Natasha had suspected yesterday, the girl responded to Steve almost immediately. The nurse helped them get the girls something to eat and packed extra snacks for the trip. Natasha noticed Eleanor was barely eating, but the nurse assured her it was normal for her condition. They were told to keep an eye on her and to just feed her whenever she was hungry. At about eight o’clock they met Fury and Maria in the garage, she could see the smile Maria was trying to hide.

“Alright. You know the deal. Communications are minimal and through drops. The house will be ready when you arrive and a car for Agent Romanoff to use will be in the garage. The directions are programmed into the GPS. I hear Pennsylvania’s great this time of year. The area is relatively normal, but is technically a suburb located about an hour from Philadelphia. The main medical center for Eleanor is in the city, but they also have two emergency care facilities located only half an hour out from where you will be living and countless ER’s and Urgent Care’s. It seems to be their specialty.”

Natasha and Steve nodded, and she could tell he was nervous. This was a whole new territory for him, an unknown not to mention the two add on’s they had. Fury bid them goodbye then left as Maria helped them get the rest of what they would need into the truck along with the girls. Neither seemed all too happy with their car seats, but Alexis eventually gave in. It was funny watching Steve try to figure out how to buckle Eleanor into her seat. Steve got in the driver’s seat and she got in the passenger’s side and that was it.

_Mission ago._

* * *

Maria set up a movie for the girls to watch on the SUV’s entertainment system to keep them occupied during the trip, but not even a half hour in, both girls fell asleep.

“How far out are we?” Steve glanced over at her and smirked, she had her feet up on the dash and looked very relaxed in her lose fit jean capris and plain blue t-shirt, she’d dubbed it her ‘mom clothes’. His attire didn’t change much, thankfully.

“About three hours. You ever been to Philadelphia or the surrounding area? Also get your feet off the dash.” the spy narrowed her eyes holding her current position.

“Once for a quick op. In and out in 24. No reason to stop and look. Nothing that usually requires SHIELD’s attention happens in Pennsylvania surprisingly. If it does it’s discrete and rare. You?”

“Once for the USO show, but after that no. No reason and at the time I wasn’t really there to see anything, not to mention that was seventy years ago.” Natasha hummed in acknowledgment. Neither one of them were big talkers when they traveled for missions, but would have full blown conversations right before and at the beginning. It drove Fury crazy.

 

They reached Pennsylvania before she knew it and it was beautiful from what she could tell. Lots of open land, big trees and blue skies. They wouldn’t be going into the city until Eleanor’s doctor appointment. Their new residence was about an hour away from the city, but it was still like a whole other world.

Apparently, when you reached the suburbs things were close, but not. At least that’s what Maria had told them. Their house was about thirty minutes from the company, which for a suburb Natasha didn’t find bad. The main area they were living in was a good area for the most part. Not the richest, but not poor. The area was known for its older housing and newer complexes. It was one of those “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, just add to it” places.

Natasha was surprised when Fury proved Steve with a truck, but as they closed in on the area she understood why. Every other car on the highway was a truck. They were everywhere. The area was west of the city and very ‘outdoorsy’, another term Maria used in her vague explanation of their new “home”. Steve cursed under his breath as he hit another pot-hole. That was another thing she was noticing was everywhere. Pot-holes. Sure they had them in New York and in D.C., but this was kind of ridiculous.

She looked back to see both girls were now awake, Alexis looking out the window watching the cars go by. They’d stopped twice to change them and they seemed content watching whatever movie it was they had started out with in the beginning. Steve took the exit and she was surprised to see the amount of traffic. It’d taken them almost four and half hours to get here. They had stopped for food at their last stop so she figured the snacks the nurse had packed would tie them over.

“Hey Natasha? Is that what I think it is?” Natasha turned her attention back to Steve as he pointed out the windshield. She looked in the direction he was pointing in and mentally cursed. Standing tall like a beacon not five miles away were two nuclear towers.

“That was not in the brochure,” Natasha said making Steve frown.

“They’re both active that’s for sure. Why didn’t anyone mention this?” She shook her head.

“I don’t know, but if Rhino Tech has anything to do with them we might have more of a problem then we thought.”

The thought of a meltdown throughout the area was a little disconcerting. All that uranium just sitting there would take hundreds of years to dissipate enough to make the area safe again. Steve pulled off the highway taking their exit, the towers slowly disappearing from their view.

The area was a mix of everything and it was odd to say the least. It was a lot of backroads. The school district was huge for such a small area, but it had good reviews. Not that they would be here that long, but it was important to know what the area was like. The neighborhood was nice and seemed quite, but it was the middle of the day. The houses were a nice size and had enough front and back yard space though the houses were situated fairly close to one another.

Steve pulled into the drive way as the moving truck backed up next to them. She knew Fury was sending them with supplies and stuff from the Hastings to aid in the mission; but she couldn’t help the snort that escaped when she saw “Nick’s Moving Services” painted onto the side of the truck.

They got out and got the girls from their car seats and as soon as Alexis’s feet hit the ground she walked towards the flower bed in front of the main walk to the door. _She likes flowers._ One thing she now knew about the little girl. Natasha liked them as well, and while she preferred something more like Daisies, the array of hydrangeas were beautiful.

She looked to her right to see they had already gathered some attention. The neighbors, or well the other moms, were looking out through the windows of their houses with curious eyes. _So their neighbors were nosy_ and _curious._ They saw her watching and quickly disappeared, not wanting to be caught staring.

“Nosy neighbors?” Steve asked as he walked up beside her with Eleanor. She heard the back of the trailer being pulled open as the “movers” got to work.

“Yup.” To her surprise Eleanor grabbed at her so she took the girl from Steve so he could grab some of their things from the truck. It was warm outside, and she thought it best to get the girls inside, especially Eleanor. The late August heat wasn’t good for her heart, that much she knew.

“Come on Lexi, let’s go take a look inside.” She held out her hand to the little girl and judging from her response she was mainly called Lexi by her parents. Which probably meant Eleanor went by Ellie. Lexi took her hand and they walked inside. It was just as nice inside as it was outside. This was a newer development so it consisted of mainly new families.

“Our house?” Natasha looked down in surprise. So far Alexis had yet to utter a single word to her. She smiled lightly and bent down to the girl’s level.

“Yes, this is our house,” Natasha answered simply.

Lexi smiled looking around with bright curious eyes as she let go of Natasha’s hand to wander into the house. Natasha followed her into the hallway that led to the main living area. From the foyer there was an entrance to a home office on her left with the dining room on her right and a staircase that led to the second floor that over looked the foyer. As they walked further there was a short hall with a coat closet and guest suite. The hall then opened up to the living room that had a fireplace on the left wall that was entirely accented by large stone. The ceiling itself accented with dark wood beams making the ceiling seem taller than it was. It was separated by a half wall to the eating area with French doors leading out to the backyard and to the right was the kitchen with an island in the middle that had dark black wood cabinets while the others were a cream and soft marble countertops, a window above the sink also overlooking the backyard. Connected to the kitchen was a butler’s pantry leading into the dinning, and right before was an open stairwell to the basement and second floor.

It was all open and airy, soft creams and dark oak floors giving the house an overall calming effect. It was barren though, but she heard a door click open from the entrance to a mud room and the garage behind the kitchen where men were bringing in boxes. She ushered Lexi out of their way deciding to go look upstairs while the men unpacked the truck.

Upstairs was just as impressive as below. The staircase was railed with rot-iron just like the main one, with wood topping it off, giving it a softer appeal. The same dark wood floors following upstairs to the open second floor. A little to her left was the laundry room and on the right of that was an open area playroom with a third bedroom situated on the other side of the laundry. Directly in front of the back stairwell was Lexi’s room, it was already painted with light pinks and dancing girls, princesses and frill. Down the hall a little ways was Ellie’s room decorated in varying shades of purples and butterfly’s. Then finally at the end of the hall was the master.

Natasha walked inside and whistled, it wasn’t the largest master she’s ever been in, but it had a slightly vaulted ceiling giving it more height, rectangular panels shaping it, each layer painted white and then brown giving the room depth. She turned to her left to find the walk in closet leading to the master bathroom. There was an open glass shower to her left, with the toilet tucked into the right corner and a vanity on either side with the bathtub being the central focus, a soft stone accent wall to top it off. She may just have to take advantage of that while they’re here.

Lexi ran up to the tub trying to peer over the edge inside. She kept pointing at the different aspects of the house as they looked, completely enamored by everything her little eyes could see. Ellie had her head resting on Natasha’s shoulder, but had turned a few times to look around at her surroundings. Natasha pressed her cheek to the baby’s forehead. It felt warm to the touch and her movements were a little sluggish. As to whether or not this was from being tired or the possible fever Natasha didn’t know. She just had to remind herself that it was warm out and if Ellie was still a little feverish in an hour then she could worry.

She heard footsteps coming into the room and walked back out to see Steve carrying boxes into the room. He set them down off to the side directing another man to do the same. He looked at her, his eyes a little wide as he took in the room.

“Wow.” He mouthed to her and she nodded. _Her thoughts exactly._

“How’s it going downstairs?” Natasha asked trying to keep the talk general. So far her watch hadn’t buzzed to tell her of any bugs, but she wanted to be cautious with the movers still there, even though she was positive most were SHIELD, but Nick had the tendency to hire _actual_ movers for high profile missions to keep the amount of people who knew about the mission to a minimum.

“Good, we’ve got the big stuff in; table, chairs, but there were boxes in the way of the beds so we’re trying to get them out of the way. Is she okay?” Steve asked, changing the conversation as he worried looking at Ellie’s flushed cheeks.

“A little warm, but it’s probably just from the drive.” Steve nodded and she heard one of the movers yelling up the stairs asking where to put something and he left the room to go help.

* * *

A few hours later the movers were gone, the house had been checked-and cleared-for bugs leaving them surrounded by boxes. Nothing was labeled and she wanted to strangle Fury. She’d just set the girls down for a nap so she could help Steve with sorting out their junk for the mission with the Hastings. Why they needed to have the Hastings things Natasha didn’t know, but she needed to let it go, they had other things to worry about, like putting their beds together. Another thing Fury neglected to tell them. So currently both girls were upstairs napping on the master mattress because she also couldn’t find the play pen.

This was by far the most unprepared safe house she’s ever been in, then again, it’s not a safe house it’s _the Hastings house_. So Fury wouldn’t have had time to turn it into a safe house. One of these days she wasn’t going to find a logical excuse for the man’s random actions, but until then it was time to unpack.

She had a system down pat. Color coded with duct tape, since for some reason, she found rolls of colored duct tape and no markers. Red for the Hastings that went to the garage for storage, blue for the Hastings’ things that they needed for the girls that went to their rooms and neon green for any excess mission supplies they didn’t need lying around the house. She’d found the boxes for the kitchen and was in the process of putting the plates away when Steve walked in with a box labeled with red duct tape, setting it down on the table.

“Hey, you sure you want this in the garage? It’s got clothes for the girls in it.” Steve said to her. Natasha looked up, setting down the plate she had in hand and going over to look in the box.

“Yeah, it’s all winter clothes, it’s still too warm out for them. Mind taking some of the boxes to the garage?” Steve nodded, taking the box and walking to the garage.

Natasha went back to unpacking the kitchen when she suddenly heard Steve laughing from the garage. She stopped once again, curious as to what could cause the soldier to laugh so joyously. She followed the sound to the garage and-

_Oh hell no!_

Steve turned around, his laughter heightening at the look of utter repulsion on her face as she stared at the silver mini-van in the garage. She was going to strangle Fury. The man thinks he’s _so_ funny.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Natasha grumbled and sent Steve a harsh glare when his laughter continued. He got it under control, but he still had that shit eating grin on his face. “One word Rogers and I swear to God I’ll cut out your vocal cords.” Natasha threatened.

“I’m-I’m sorry, it’s just…I was not expecting that,” he said trying to catch his breath.

“Just for that, you get to put the beds together yourself.” Steve’s face fell at that and she smiled triumphantly, turning on her heels and walking away.

* * *

Clearly having taken Natasha’s threat seriously Steve had managed to get the beds put together so no one would have to sleep on the floor. For the most part the furniture was where it was supposed to be and the computer and internet/cable had been put in so they were basically set up. After going through more boxes they’d found the weapons and other equipment they’d need while out on assignment, along with emergency cash, IDs, birth certificates, the whole nine yards.

She was finishing making their bed-yes _their_ bed because as she’d explained to Steve earlier, while the house wasn’t bugged it didn’t mean they weren’t being watched other ways. He’d agreed, albeit reluctantly, but he’d just have to get over it. They both would. She wasn’t used to spending the night consecutively with someone else next to her. She could do it for a few days tops, but something like this…it just wasn’t in her nature.

All that aside, everyone was settling in. Ellie’s fever had vanished after her nap, easing Natasha’s mind and they’d ordered take out for dinner. Now all that was left was basic.

“Lexi, come on. It’s time for bed.”

Natasha’s ears perked up as she heard Steve’s “Captain America” tone coming out. Steve was currently trying to get the girls ready for bed and it sounded like Lexi was giving him a hard time. Natasha made her way down the hall to see Steve standing in the room arms crossed as he stared down Lexi, her arms also folded; her stuffed bear in hand and a pout on her face.

“No.” Lexi replied defiantly. Steve sighed pinching his nose.

“Lexi…it’s time for bed.” Steve warned making tears spring to Lexi’s eyes. He tensed immediately back tracking and Natasha decided it was time to step in.

“Come on malyshka, no need for that.” Natasha said calmly, picking her up and taking her over to her bed. “It’s time for you and…” Natasha hesitated as she looked at the bear in her hand.

“Tilly.” Lexi told her. Natasha smiled pulling the blanket up to Lexi’s chin.

“It’s time for you and Tilly to go to sleep.” The tears were still present in her eyes as Natasha brushed the hair from Lexi’s forehead. She looked a little scared, her eyes scanning the almost dark room. Natasha got up from the bed walking over to one of the boxes, having remembered seeing a nightlight. She found the princess crown nightlight in no time walking over to the opposite wall from the bed and plugging it in. She walked back over to the bed sitting down, the room now bathed in a low pink glow.

“Better?” Lexi nodded, a little yawn escaping as she rubbed her eyes. Natasha leaned down kissing her forehead before backing out of the room. She’d almost forgotten Steve was there entirely as he leaned against the wall outside the room, a small smile on his lips.

“Thanks. I forget sometimes…how intimidating I guess I can be.” Natasha snorted smiling at him.

“Yeah, just a little. Ellie down?” She asked as they walked back to their room.

“Yeah, out like a light…I’m worried though she’s slept a lot today and barely eaten. As is she’s so small.” Natasha let out a long sigh running a hand through her hair. She’d noticed Ellie’s lack in appetite to, but also knew that it was apparently normal for her condition. Still though it was concerning.

“We just gotta get her to eat what she can and when she’s hungry like the doc said. We can bring it up with the pediatrician on Monday, but until then…” Steve nodded, understanding that there was only so much they could do for her till they knew more.

They both went about their routines as they got ready for bed, neither saying anything more than a goodnight as they turned out the lights. It was a little weird sharing a bed with him and she could tell he was uncomfortable and frankly she was as well, but he fell asleep within minutes and so did she.

She doesn’t remember falling asleep, but no sooner had her head hit the pillow she was pulled into the recesses of her unforgiving mind. Flashes of little Irina dancing and twirling outside on the front lawn of the Drakov family estate. Happy and carefree one minute, the next her cold dead eyes were staring back at her. Natasha jolted awake, her breathing ragged as she tried to calm her pounding heart. She looked around the room, relieved to see Steve lying asleep next to her. She took a few calming breaths, closing her eyes before laying back down.

“You could have spared them.” Her eyes flew open once more as she sat up looking to see Irina standing at the foot of the bed with Lexi at her side and Ellie in her arms. A blood stain forming on Irina’s powder blue dress as she stared back at her. “You could have spared us!”

Natasha’s eyes flew open when she felt someone tug at her. She instinctively went for the gun at the bedside table, but halted when she was met with Lexi’s bright blues eyes staring back at her from the side of the bed. How in the world the little girl managed to get all the way to the bed without Natasha noticing, was beyond her.

“Lexi, what are you doing up?” Natasha asked, her voice sounding hoarse to her ears.

She swallowed down the bile that threatened to come up, taking a deep breath. She hasn’t had that bad of a nightmare in years and it was a little more than jarring. She hasn’t thought about Irina since Loki…He hadn’t been wrong about her. But looking down at Lexi as she reached up with her free arm, the other keeping Tilly tucked to her chest, she gave in; lifting Lexi up on to the bed with her. The little girl curling up in Natasha’s arms as she laid back down, running her fingers through the little girl’s hair, because this…taking care of the girls and taking down Rhino Tech, it wasn’t the same.

_And she’d be damned if she let anything happen to those girls._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys find the sneaky-not really-references?
> 
> Also I used to do that to my mom all the time. She'd wake up and I'd just be staring at her. I still have the tendency to walk into her room after she's gone to be to let her know that I'm home or what not and I'm not trying to be sneaky it just kinda happens that way.
> 
> Anyways let me know what you guys think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I need to thank my beta reader mustanggirl68 for editing my work. If you think it can't be a coincidence that we have almost the exact same name that would be because it's my mother. And no I'm not embarrassed to say that because she's like my best friend so thanks mom. She's also edited published works before so... but last night when I handed her the next chapter she looks at me and goes "when are these two gonna stop putzing around?" and I started laughing because I think I just got my mom on the bandwagon and that won't be anytime soon.
> 
> Moving on. We have some more mundaneness in this chapter. Domestic things like grocery shopping, but this is the last set up chapter before the next, sorry in a advance its a little long.
> 
> Enjoy this next instalment while I try and not stare out the window at the two shirtless dudes mowing our lawn. I have no idea why they don't have any shirts on, but I really don't care.

Steve woke up a little after six to find a tiny foot pressed to his neck; he looked to see Natasha had an arm wrapped protectively around Lexi as they both slept. When, or how, Lexi had gotten into the room last night was beyond him. He smiled a little as he did his best to get out of the bed without disturbing either one; he saw Natasha stir and open her eyes slightly.

“I’m just going out for a run, scope the neighborhood;” she nodded slightly going back to sleep.

Steve got dressed and checked on Ellie once more before heading out. Upon Natasha’s insistence from the day before, he made sure to pack a knife before going out. He had won out when he told her running with a gun would be ‘awkward’. It was probably one of the only times he’s won one of these little debates.

It was still fairly early on a Saturday, but it seemed everyone got an early start around here. He passed a few others out for their morning run around the neighborhood, some giving him a nod as he passed by them. He was rounding his way back to the house when he heard the sound of gunshots. He instinctively reached for the knife at his back, but halted when he saw someone was watching him. It was another runner and he was chuckling lightly. The man waved him off as he walked up to Steve.

“Sorry, don’t worry, it’s the single shotgun blasts you should worry about, unless its hunin’ season,” stretching out his hand, “Donny DiStefano.”

Steve looked at the man’s hand before taking it in his, “Chris Hastings.”

The man smiled like he’d just won the lottery, his handshake firm.

“Right you just moved into the house on Deer Drive right?”

Steve nodded and Donny’s smile grew bigger. “My wife, Janice and I live next door.”

“Ahh. What is that anyways?”

Steve pointed around in the direction of the gunshots as they continued. Donny laughed again, looking around.

“That would be the new firing range the local police set up. They’re a little trigger happy in the morning. Don’t worry you’ll get use to it. I take it you aren’t from around here, New York or Jersey?”

“New York. My wife Melissa and our girls just moved here for work. That obvious?”

“PA born and raised. It’s easy to spot. We’re a unique set of people. Say, I gotta get goin’ but it was nice to meet you Chris. I’ll have to bring my wife around, make some introductions.”

“Absolutely. Nice to meet you to. See you around,” Steve turned down his street watching carefully as Donny disappeared around the corner. _Wait, why did he say single shot gun blasts?_

Steve shook his head as he walked inside the house and upstairs to shower. He found both girls were in the room, Lexi still sleeping while Ellie was sitting in a bouncy chair. Natasha turned to him when he walked in, a gun at her side. He held up his hands, half joking, half completely aware she might just shoot first, ask questions later.

“Relax, it’s just the new police firing range” she put the gun away, relaxing a little. Steve noticed she was already dressed in torn up jean capris and a red tank top, but her hair was still wet and her face free of make-up.

“Seriously? We’re going to be waking up to that every morning? Wait how did you …?” Natasha asked realizing he had no way of knowing about the police firing range.

“Met a neighbor. He saw me tense up when the shots started and then proceeded to laugh while introducing himself. Donny DiStefano and his wife Janice live next door. Said it’s the single shot gun blasts you need to worry about. That is unless it’s hunting season,” Natasha seemed a little weary of that and so was he. He was still trying to make sense of his encounter with their new neighbor, but so far he had nothing.

“Well, that takes care of one neighbor. How’s the neighborhood?” she asked him as he walked back into the bathroom and started the shower.

“Normal from what I could tell.”

She heard him step into the shower as she started drying her hair. “Nothing too out of the ordinary. Then again, I guess that’s the point.”

Lexi finally woke up a few minutes later and sat contently on the floor next to her sister watching them get ready. One thing that stuck out about the girl was how observant she was. She seemed to follow their every move, almost like she was trying to memorize them. _Or figure out the differences._

“I’s hungy’s,” Natasha turned around to see Lexi standing behind her. Steve seemed a little thrown off by her talking as he came out of the bathroom, hair damp from his shower.

“Us too; come on, let’s go get some breakfast,”

Steve picked up Ellie. Lexi hesitated a moment looking up to Natasha before following Steve out the door. The girl did not know what to make of him and it worried Natasha a little bit. If he couldn’t convince a two year old how was he supposed to convince anyone else?

She finished curling her hair and walked downstairs to see Steve pulling out a box of cereal from the cabinet. Lexi beamed at the box and watched as Steve poured her some, almost leaning right into the bowl.

Natasha walked over to the counter where she grabbed a bowl and baby food for Ellie. Ellie was already seated in her high chair they’d miraculously found the night before and sat down. Ellie had been fairly happy when she woke up this morning; but as Natasha brought the spoon of baby food close to Ellie, her face cringed and she shied away. Natasha frowned slightly, trying again, but that just brought on the tears.

“Ellie, sweetie, come on you gotta eat,” that only made the crying worse as she batted the spoon away; its contents landing on the table. Natasha set the bowl down and picked her up wondering, maybe if she was in her lap, she’d be more willing to eat. _Nope._

“Here I got her.” Steve traded off with her, giving her time to eat dry cereal since they had yet to go to the store for milk. She’d have to make a list today and venture out, scope the area a little more. When she set the box of cereal back on the table she noticed the crying had ceased as Ellie now had her face buried in Steve’s shoulder. He glanced up at her with slight concern and she got up, walking around having noticed a red patch on the underside of Ellie’s cheek.

“What is that?” Natasha asked, Steve strained his neck to look, but his face stayed oddly calm.

“Okay, I know what’s wrong. She’s teething.” Natasha frowned. Teething? Seriously?

“How do you know?” Steve shrugged.

“Well she’s rubbing her cheeks against me and using my shoulder as a teething ring.” He showed her his now slimy sleeve and she cringed a little. “I think she likes the excess heat my body produces.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t explain the rash,” Natasha countered trying to see if it was anywhere else, but Ellie’s PJ’s were covering most of her body.

“It does actually. I was talking with one of the guys from IT the other day, asked him how his kids were and he told me the youngest was teething, breaking out in rashes. It’s apparently normal.” Normal? This kid’s got enough issues and now they get to add teething to that list. _Fantastic._

“Okay well, I have to go to the store at some point today so I’ll see if I can’t find something to help with that.”

“Wait, hold up-” Steve realized she was going to leave him here by himself.

“Problem? I thought you liked food?” Natasha asked almost dryly.

“I do, but can’t we all-” She rolled her eyes at him.

“The girls have to get use to us, it’s only a few hours and have you ever tried going shopping with kids? You’ll be fine.” Smiling at him as she got up from her chair walking out of the room.

He looked back at the siblings wondering what in the world he was supposed to do with them. Sure, he loved kids, but that didn’t mean he knew what to do with them. He sighed, knowing this was going to be a long day, especially when Lexi crossed her arms defiantly like the night before.

_Yup, I’m screwed._

* * *

Natasha felt a little bad for leaving Steve on his own to handle the girls, but she hadn’t slept the night before and needed to get away. The reality of the situation they were in was now starting to hit her and she didn’t like it. They knew next to nothing about the real Hastings; who were as people outside of their jobs, who were they around their kids, did they have friends? They knew none of this and it only made the situation harder. It was clear that while Lexi seemed to like Steve a little more now, she wasn’t fooled. Some part of Natasha must remind the child of her mother if not just the looks, but Steve…

Natasha had a feeling the little girl wasn’t going to take easily to him anymore than she had and for right now that was fine. Natasha could spin it to look like Lexi was a mama’s girl if she had to, but it was becoming evident that she needed to figure out if Lexi was buying what they were selling. That thought made a knot form in her stomach. Maybe this would have been easier had the girls been older, less lying, less manipulating, less false truths…

_Or maybe there was another way to play it?_

After all it’s not like this is all that uncommon. Well okay it’s not, but telling kids you’re their parents after adoption isn’t. Or more correctly foster care. They’ll end up in the system after this anyway so maybe it’d be best they just get them use to it. Adapting to a new family. Okay that still sounds cruel, but it’s the truth. They’d just have to get the girls used to them and then it’d be smooth sailing. She just hoped it was as easy as it sounded in her head.

Natasha shook her head as she started to unload the groceries from the car and head inside. She walked in and it was quite, and clean-well besides the boxes-and it made her hair stand on end. She set the bags down on the counter before making her way into the house. She found Steve sitting in the office, brow furrowed in concentration as he stared at something on the computer screen. Ellie was sitting next to him on the floor playing with a teething ring and Lexi was nowhere to be found.

“Steve?” Steve looked up a little startled clearly not having noticed her enter the room.

“Hey, sorry,” Steve stammered, sitting up and giving her a small smile.

“What are you looking at that’s got your attention so much?” Natasha asked as she neared the computer. It was a file on Rhino Tech.

“Research since I honestly don’t know much on the company. Figure I’d take the opportunity while Lexi’s asleep,” Ah. Natasha scrolled through the SHIELD file taking in the information as she went. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to get him started. She was glad he was taking the initiative so that she didn’t have to drill him later. Not that she wasn’t going to anyway because she was, but it was good he was getting a head start.

“Good. Take a break and help me get the groceries inside,” he nodded getting up and they walked out to go bring the rest of the stuff inside.

As they walked around the car, Natasha saw two people, a man with dark hair and a woman with light brown hair walking up to them. They had a small boy in between them that she pegged to be about Lexi’s age, maybe a year older.

Steve looked up, and judging from the recognition on his face, they must have been the ones Steve mentioned earlier.

“Donny, hi,” Steve said, greeting the man. Lexi hid behind his leg and Natasha stood up with Ellie walking over to them. Donny smiled.

“Hey, I felt bad for not being able to talk more earlier, but when I told my wife I’d met you and that there was another mom in the neighborhood she was dying to meet you,” Janet rolled her eyes.

“Janet, and this must be your lovely wife, it’s so nice to meet you,” they shook hands.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you too. Melissa Hastings and who’s this little guy?” Janet smiled, patting the boys head.

“This is our son, Kayson.”

Kayson gave her a short wave and a shy smile ducking behind his mother.

“Sorry, he’s a little shy.” Natasha waved her off. “So Donny was telling me you guys just moved from New York, this your first time in the area?” _Wow this woman was straight to the point._

“Yeah, we just moved after Chris got a job offer at Rhino Tech.” Natasha answered smoothly. She was curious to see their reaction, if any, to the company name. It was supposed to be big around the area so maybe they might-

“Really?” Donny asked a little excited. _Huh…not the reaction I was expecting._ “What a coincidence I also work for Rhino Tech. Man you are going to love working there, I’ve been there since I graduated from college.”

So not only were they neighbors, but Donny just so happened to work for Rhino Tech as well. That couldn’t possibly be a coincidence.

“Wow, look at that. You two could carpool.”

“That’s a great idea! What do you say? Help you get the lay of the land?”

She’d meant it to be a sarcastic suggestion, but seems Donny wouldn’t know sarcasm if it hit him in the face. Steve seemed a little unsure of what to make of the situation, but if Steve could get close to Donny, it might just prove profitable in the end.

“That’d be great.” Steve answered, seeming to have read her mind. Donny smiled and started to go over the details and giving Steve his phone number. Either this guy was really excited to have a new friend or he was just overcompensating for effect. Maybe he’d been asked to spy on them?

“Honey, we should let them get back to unpacking the groceries, but it was so nice to meet you both,” Janet said with a soft smile, pulling her husband into reality as she seemed to pick up on the fact that Steve was slightly flustered.

“Oh gosh! Sorry of course. Melissa it was lovely meeting you and Chris, I’ll see you bright and early Monday,” Donny flashed them both a warm-overly so-smile before leaving.

“Don’t say it,” Steve warned as they turned back to the task at hand. She chuckled knowing there was no way Steve was going to be able to shake Donny any time soon.

* * *

_Later that day…_

Natasha was still trying to sort out the boxes from the day before and get them out of the way. They were cluttering the living room and when she turned, she accidentally knocked over one of the boxes, causing it to spill its contents onto the floor. She groaned, bending down to pick up the books and various other things, but she paused, a hand hovering over an envelope. It was plain white, nothing special to it, but it was thick and neat, curly writing on the front. She picked it up reading the inscription on the front.

_To whom this may concern._

That was a funny thing to write on a letter, but it caught her attention as she ripped the seal, pulling out the neatly folded papers. She unfolded the pages written on yellow lined legal paper; at the top it was dated for last month.

_Hello,_

_I have thought about what to say in this letter a hundred times over, but no matter how many times I re-write it, I still come back to this. We know our time with our daughters is limited; especially as the need has arrived for us to seek better care for Eleanor. But it doesn’t come easy. We’ve reached our limit and with the things we have done, we know what this could do. But if it means better care for our daughters, so be it. They say if you truly love someone then that might mean giving them up, and as it has come to our attention that we have attracted the attention of the law it seems that time is now. I know by doing this we could put the girls at greater risk, but I also know by not doing this we are only digging ourselves into a deeper hole; one that both Chris and I are not sure we want to do. That is why I am writing this._

_If you are reading this than you now have the pleasure of raising our two girls._

_There are some things you should know. Alexis was born May 28, 2011 in Minnesota of all places. She is our precious baby girl, eager to come into the world. Minnesota was the longest place we’d ever stayed, only because I’d been ordered to by the local doctor. It was worth taking the risk though. She’s our darling girl who loves her mother and has her father wrapped around her little finger. She’s smart to; so I should warn you it may take her a while to adjust. She’ll go near you, but may not talk or cooperate. She’s also terrified of the dark and sleeping alone. We’ve spent many nights in a hotel room, so it just became a habit to have her sleep in our bed. If she refuses to sleep I apologize. Also, she has a stuffed bear named Tilly. If she’s without it for a second, be prepared to never rest easy again. Chris once had to drive all the way back to Florida after we arrived in Texas because we left it at a motel. In case this ever happens again, there is another Tilly in amongst our things for the girls, just run it through the wash a few dozen times and she will never know the difference. Sadly she’s her mother’s child, so she sees all and knows all. Other than this, she is a lovable little girl with lots of energy and smiles._

_Moving on to Eleanor. She was born on February 6, 2013 in Vancouver. As you may already know, she’s ill. It’s my fault really. The doctor warned me about having another child, but I didn’t listen. In a way I’m glad I didn’t, but in other ways…she’s still so young that I fear for her. She can’t tell you what’s wrong and my heart breaks every time she’s upset and all I can do is watch. We’ve used up all our resources trying to help her, but now we’ve run the risk of getting caught and it looks like our employer may only be taking us on because of what we can do for them. We’ve been working so hard to get out of that life; to build a new, better one for our girls, and now it seems we’ve dug ourselves even deeper. Everything we’ve done we’ve done for them; and while we’ve made mistakes, and I’d like to reverse those, I know we can’t. At least not how we’d like to. It’s come to our attention that if we want a better life for our daughters, that might mean no more goodnight kisses, no more hugs, no more bedtime stories…never seeing the beautiful women that I know they’ll grow up to be. It pains me, but it’s our only option at this point._

_So as a mother who loves her children, to another loving individual whom I only pray loves them as much as we do, I only ask this one thing of you…_

_Never let them go through life not knowing they are loved._

_I was given up as well, and it was the hardest thing not knowing why. I never knew my parents, never knew who they were or why they did what they did. While I wish I could have done better in the past, I ask that you never lie to them. Never withhold answers from their questions. As a parent, I want them to think I was perfect, but that’s not the truth and I’ve lived so many lies already that it feels wrong to let them believe one about me, about their father, about who we were or what we’ve done. If I can only do one good thing in life than let that be this. They may grow up to hate us because of the things we’ve done, of the wrongs we’ve committed, but it’s the truth and if they can take one thing away from that truth let it be that despite all that, in the end, I know we did right by them and maybe even right by you. I don’t know why you took in our girls, but it takes a strong, loving person to take in someone else’s children and love them as your own._

_I’m not the most trusting person, but I’m trusting you with the two most precious things that I hold dear to me. It won’t be easy on them, but I ask that when Alexis turns eighteen she be given this box so that she can know the truth. You may think me stupid, but I know my daughter even if you think I can’t know more than what she likes to eat or play with. I can already see who she’ll become and something tells me, whether or not you give her answers, she’ll go looking for them herself. I’d rather she get them from the source, but these will have to do._

_Now that doesn’t mean she should know everything. Each girl has their own set, as I have left one for you as well with instructions as to how they should receive the books. It’s not best to have all the knowledge at once._

_It’s a lot to ask I know, but like I said, they’re my everything._

_With Love,_

_Melissa Hastings_

Natasha flipped the page over, taking in the woman’s words. _They knew._ They knew SHIELD was coming for them and they let them. All for what? To die in the end and leave their daughters in the hands of strangers. What would they say if they knew SHIELD was using them to get to Rhino Tech? Would they still have made the same decision? Natasha flipped to the next page with Melissa’s instructions on the journals. It seemed she wanted the girls to get them on their eighteenth birthday and then periodically after that. It was almost sentimental if not for the fact that these girls were now orphans.

Natasha picked the books up off the floor and placed them back inside the box before taking it out to the garage. She’d pass them onto SHIELD when they were through, but until then, into the garage they went. She was only taking care of the girls for one reason and one reason only. If their next caretaker wanted to look into it then they could, but she doubted anyone would. Especially since SHIELD would most likely take them for evidence. Regardless of the Hastings intensions, they did what they did and nothing could change that.

_Says the woman who spent her childhood and adult life as a gun for hire._ Natasha sighed at the hypocritical tone her mind had taken. She was no better than them, worse would be a better word actually, but there was no point in trying to explain why people did the things they did. In the end it doesn’t matter, you have to pay the price.

* * *

“Your name?”

“Christopher Hastings, born June 14, 1982,” Steve said dryly. Natasha asked Steve later that night after they’d gotten the girls to go to sleep. She’d spent the last two hours hounding him with questions about Christopher and his job at Rhino Tech.

“Good.” Natasha said smiling, tucking away the stack of note cards she had, much to Steve’s relief.

“Now, if you can manage to not sound like a robot on Tuesday then there’s hope for you yet.”

Steve rolled his eyes, sitting up to look at her from where she sat cross-legged on the bed. He’d never really seen her relaxed. More accurately, not in tight pants and leather jackets. Even though she’d come by his apartment with a new movie or show for him to watch every so often, she was always in jeans and a t-shirt of some sort. So seeing her in loose cotton cut-offs and a ratty old t-shirt with her hair in a messy bun, was a little weird for him.

“You’re staring,” Natasha said drawing him back to earth. He swallowed, the tips of his ears tinting pink as he realized that he had, indeed, been staring.

“Sorry, it’s still weird seeing you…relaxed,” Steve said, gesturing in her general direction from where he sat at the end of the bed. She raised an eyebrow at him, and for a second, he was afraid he’d said the wrong thing.

“Well, have you ever tried to relax in skinny jeans? They’re fashionable and make your legs look great, but at the end of the day nothing beats sweats.” Steve huffed a laugh because yes, he has tried them after she forced him into a changing room. Those things were not meant for the male frame.

“True.”

She smirked, and he didn’t know why it made him relax, but it also reminded him of the elephant in the room…or well down the hall. While he was looking into Rhino Tech earlier he’d also looked into the place they were supposed to be taking Ellie on Monday and he’d been meaning to talk to her about it.

“Hey, so I uh, looked into the hospital today,” Natasha gave him a funny look before she seemed to figure out what he was talking about.

“Oh, and…” Natasha said with an air of nonchalance that made him tense slightly.

“Well, the place is massive all things considered, but the doc checks out and so does the hospital itself. They’ve got a great reputation with overall excellence in pediatrics and awards in I don’t even know how many areas. They had a page on Ellie’s condition actually and it’s nothing they haven’t seen before. Hopefully they can figure out how to treat it and we won’t have to worry about it long run.”

She nodded, taking his word on it and it unnerved him. She was fine until he mentioned the hospital.

“Nat?”

Natasha met his gaze expectantly. “You good?”

“Fine,” She said, but sighed. “Where are we taking her again?”

He let out a bitter chuckle. Having done research on the facility he’d learned that there was a very common theme amongst the state. They liked their abbreviations.

“CHOP,” Steve answered making Natasha’s eyes widen.

“CHOP? Please tell me that’s a joke.” Natasha said flatly and he shook his head.

“Nope. Stands for Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia,” She laughed bitterly, brushing a loose strand of hair from her face.

“Nice, were taking our pretend daughter to some place that sounds like it belongs in a horror movie.”

Steve’s face worried at the harshness in her tone. She really wasn’t liking the idea of going to the hospital.

“Yeah…you sure you’re good?” Steve knew he might get his head taken off, but he could see the tension in her shoulders and wanted to make sure she was okay.

“I said I’m fine. I just don’t like hospitals and spending the day in one while they run tests on our Ellie just feels wrong. And the nickname is not helping.”

Steve was taken aback by the declaration. She didn’t let him see her emotions often so when she did he knew she was either trusting him more or was really struggling to keep them in check. While he liked to think it was the former, he had a bad feeling it was more the latter.

“I don’t like them either, but I hated being sick more.”

She shook her head as he spoke and he sighed. “This is different. They don’t have bad intentions, you know I wouldn’t be okay with it if they did.”

He knew only a sliver about her past with the Red Room from what SHIELD had told him. Knew enough to know she’d been enhanced herself, not nearly as much as him, but enough. He also didn’t need anyone to tell him it’d been against her will. Other than that she was a mystery to him. Who had she been before, why she joined the KGB, why she’d let Barton take her into SHIELD. All a mystery.

“I know. I just have a really bad feeling about this. There’s something more at play here. Whether it’s with the girls or with Rhino, I don’t know.”

“Yeah, I’ve got it to. There’s something missing from all of this and it’s been bugging me. This place just seems off. I mean I know neither of us are used to this type of living, but is it me or are we lacking the actual context of what we’re even supposed to be looking for?”

She thought about that for a moment. Fury had been rather cryptic about this situation and about the company .

“You might be on to something. There’s no way Fury didn’t have even the slightest hint about the girls existence. Not to mention the company isn’t that large compared to others we’ve dealt with. Nor were the Hastings either. So what makes them so special?”

“I don’t know, but something tells me we’ll find out eventually.”

Steve wasn’t sure they’d like what they found. If there was anything he’d learned being an agent, it was that nothing was ever as it seemed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay what'd ya think? How about those DiStefino people?
> 
> The gun shot thing is real. I kid you not they don't bother me. earlier this year when it was starting to finally warm up I was driving to school and stuck in traffic. The song on the radio was dying down and I just here this pop, pop, pop in quick secession and turn down the volume it happens again and I just nodded turning the music back up thinking someone's having fun. There are gun ranges everywhere so I grew up with it. We actually just had four murders around the area it was awful. But the neighbor of the guy who did it said they heard gun fire but thought nothing of it because it's just so normal, but after she heard about the missing men she came forward. It's good she did too. God it's still a little rattling and the men were so young too, one was just shy of 18.
> 
> Okay that name of the hospital, I like to be accurate with my stories as most of you know if you've read my other works. Yes, that's the main children's hospital in the area for PA, NJ and DE (besides DuPont for most of DE). Yes that's what it's actually called. It never struck me as weird until someone pointed it out to me. Though the place isn't as morbid, thank god.
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed that chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay no pleasantries today. Instead I'm just going to go straight to the warning.
> 
> WARNING: We skip a day and go to the hospital. There is a description of a medical procedure being preformed on a child. More than one actually. As I'm writing this I can almost feel the prick of the damn needle myself. I get personal and added things I've witnessed myself. It's a haunting chapter. Now I may be over exaggerating, but I'm not numb to it, but it doesn't bother me as much, because I've grown up with it so in case I'm under exaggerating you've been given the overall warning.
> 
> You have been warned.   
> Feel free to comment her on Ao3 or on my Tumblr at gomustanggirl16.

Steve woke up to the sound of his alarm going off. They had to be at the hospital by nine. He looked down to find Natasha snuggled into his side still sound asleep. She actually looked peaceful right then, and he really didn’t want to disturb her, so he figured lying there for a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt anyone. Sadly, Lexi had other ideas.

The little girl toddled into the room. Using the bench at the end of the bed to climb up, she crawled right up onto the bed sitting square on his chest. He sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to get up anytime soon. At least she waited till morning to climb into bed with them. Steve looked down to see Natasha staring up at him, knowing she was thinking the same thing.

_Today was going to be miserable._

“What time is it?” Natasha asked sitting up. Steve looked at the clock.

“Six-thirty,”

He was actually surprised by how late he’d been sleeping; but considering how many times he and Natasha had been awoken by Ellie throughout the night, it made sense.

“Mornin’ mama .” _Oh boy_. They both froze.

They hadn’t used mom or dad to describe themselves to either of the girls not wanting to push their luck. But he honestly hadn’t expect that. He understood for this whole thing to work the girls were going to be referred to as theirs, but he really didn’t take into the account the girls coming to know them as…well, you know. He chanced a glance at Natasha, unsure of how she would react, but her face was as neutral as ever.

“Morning sweat pea,” she said, giving the little girl a soft smile. She turned to Steve, “I’m going to check on Ellie.”

With that, Natasha left the room and Lexi looked up at him expectantly. He just smiled running a hand threw her mussed hair making her giggle. He guessed he should just be glad she was getting use to them and talking more, even though he was sure she knew he wasn’t Chris.

“Come on, how ‘bout we start breakfast?” she nodded happily, quickly hopping down from the bed and bounding out the door as Natasha was walking back in with Ellie. He stopped her, knowing something was off.

“You okay?” she met his gaze with a hash glare.

“Fine. Comes with the job.”

Her tone was slightly clipped as she handed Ellie to him. “I’m going to shower.”

Steve watched her a moment more before heading after Lexi who was now attempting to open the baby gate they’d installed. He knew Natasha well enough now to know that pushing the subject would only do more harm than good, so he let her be. If she wanted to talk about it, she would.

* * *

Natasha was in the process of getting Ellie dressed leaving Steve to handle Lexi. For a two year old she had a lot of hair, both girls did, and he was currently trying to pull it a braid, per her request. He had no idea what he was doing. None. Natasha walked in and started laughing at his handy work, yeah it was bad.

“Here,” she signaled for him to go finish up with Ellie while she fixed Lexi’s hair, pulling it out of her face in a small braid on the side leaving the rest down. The little girl smiled pleased, while Steve just stood in the doorway dumbfounded.

“See? Not so hard.”

He just furrowed his eyebrows at her.

“Says the female, to a man who can barely manage the hair he has,” she chuckled lightly at him, the tension from earlier seeming to have dissipated.

“Come on, we have to get going if we want to beat traffic. Do you know where Fury’s guys put the stroller?”

“Yeah I stuck it in the truck last night. What all do we need?”

“Not much. I just packed a few things to keep Lexi occupied, some snacks and food for Ellie.”

He nodded in agreement and they headed out of the house and began their drive.

The hospital was out in the city, about forty-five minutes from their house. He didn’t think it would be too bad getting down there but as soon as they entered the highway…boy was he wrong. While he was use to traffic in D.C. and New York he at least had his bike and more than two lanes. This, this was wall to wall, bumper to bumper, box you in, traffic. _What the hell?_

“Is there an accident?” He looked down at the GPS shaking his head.

“No, isn’t it supposed to tell us if there is? Because according to this, it’s just traffic.” Natasha sighed and sat back in her seat, propping her feet up onto the dash as she ignored the pointed scowl he was giving her.

Overall, it took an hour and a half to reach the city limits. Getting into the city was even more of a mad house. He nearly missed the turn where it slipped off at the base of the Amtrak station. He caught Natasha staring at something out the window. It was the hospital.

It wasn’t nearly the largest building in the city, but it was impressive. It was also surrounded by The University of Pennsylvania hospital. Turning onto the drive, there were college students going in between the buildings with men and women in scrubs and expensive suits bustling about. Sirens could be heard heading to the main hospital at Penn. It was all slightly intimidating as the buildings towered above making it feel like they were closing in on you. They turned onto the main drive and looked up at the building. He could feel Natasha tense and placed his hand on top of hers. She glanced down at his hand, but ultimately let it be.

There were cops everywhere directing traffic and he stopped to ask how to get to the building’s parking. The officer gladly directed them, telling them to go around to the opposite street, due to construction. They eventually found the entrance and were stopped by yet another cop asking for verification. Steve had to give them credit, they were secure, maybe not to the extent he would like, but they went as far as they could. Even from inside the car as they pulled into a parking spot, he could feel the change in the atmosphere. He couldn’t really explain it, it wasn’t necessarily depressive, but it was far from uplifting. Like a giant weight had been added to his chest.

It made his hair stand on end and he could feel Natasha’s grip tighten in his as they sat in the truck. At least he wasn’t the only one to feel it. They still had fifteen minutes till the appointment, so they just sat there a moment watching a couple walking out with their child in a stroller. The child no doubt dying from some awful disease. He could tell just from watching them, that this was normal. While he may have been sick growing up, he never really spent time in a hospital. There was no point, but this, this was somehow entirely different and he just couldn’t comprehend something like this becoming normal .

“What we doin’?” Lexi asked from the backseat, bring both Steve and Natasha out of their thoughts.

“We’re here for your sister,” Natasha replied simply. The girl nodded and pointed at her heart silently asking if that was why. It surprised them both at how much she already understood.

They gave her a smile and got out of the truck. Ellie had again fallen asleep during the ride and only woke up slightly when Steve moved her carrier to the stroller. Lexi wasn’t fond of the idea, but relented and let Natasha put her in as well. The last thing they needed was to be chasing a two year old around a hospital.

The elevator only took them up to the main floor of the building and stepping out they were both amazed at the building’s interior. It was state of the art, something akin to what Stark might like. They walked over to the front desk where they were greeted by an older woman.

“Good morning! Are you here for an appointment?” She asked sweetly, a warm smile on her face.

“Uh yes, Eleanor Hastings,” the woman nodded.

“Alright dear, I’m just going to need to see both of your ID’s or any form of identification such as drivers licenses, passports etc.” They handed the woman their licenses watching as she scanned them through their system and printed out badges for them.

“Here you are. Please keep these on at all times during your visit with us, if you lose it just let anyone at any of the nurses stations know. Take the elevator opposite the one you came up in to the fourth floor and take a left.”

“Thank you,” the woman nodded and went back to her work.

They got in the elevator with a few others and waited to get off on their floor. Steve settled his hand on the small of Natasha’s back as they made room for more people. She relaxed, slightly leaning into his touch, telling him she was way more freaked out about this than she was letting on. She normally had the opposite reaction, tensing until she figured out who was touching her.

They arrived at their floor and, stepping out, the smell of antiseptic and something he could only describe as ‘hospital’ hit them. They followed the woman’s directions and walked up to the front desk, but it didn’t get past them that the sign on the wall said Oncology on it. Natasha shared a glance at Steve as they approached the desk silently asking him if they’d gotten off at the wrong floor.

“Hi, welcome to CHOP, are you here for an appointment?”

“Uh we’re here for our daughter, Eleanor Hastings, but I think were on the wrong floor;” Natasha spoke. The nurse just smiled and typed away at her keyboard.

“Nope, Eleanor Rose Hastings. Don’t mind the signs, we just moved in so we’re still in a bit of a beta stage. We share the floor with Cardiology and Phlebotomy, as well as the Survivorship program.”

“Oh, okay,” Steve commented, his mind going a mile a minute.

“Alright, I am assuming Eleanor is the one in the carrier,” the nurse commented as she printed out something.

“Yes that would be correct,” he looked down to see the babe was now awake and looking up at him.

“Alright and whose this precious girl?” she asked referring to Lexi.

“Our oldest Alexis,” she nodded and began typing again.

“Okay, here we are,” she walked around to the stroller and attached a hospital bracelet to Ellie’s leg and a small square device to her sweater. Then she bent down and attached an identical device to Lexi’s shirt. “Just keep this on for me, okay sweetheart?”

Lexi lifted the device inspecting it.

“With such a big building and access to several other departments and floors, we have installed a tracking system using those devices to keep track of our patients. One click of a button and we can tell you exactly where someone is located in seconds. With so many young children, it’s easy to lose track. At the end of the visit we’ll ask for them back,” she smiled sweetly at them as she walked back around to her desk.

“You do this to all the patients and their siblings ?” Steve asked and she nodded.

“Even the interns during their first weeks,”

A young man turned around face serious.

“She’s not joking!”

She chuckled at him.

“We do yes, even our patients who are nearly adults. It’s just a security precaution. Now, here are the labels and everything the doctors, technicians, and nurses will ask you for throughout the day. Eleanor is scheduled for a full work up, so you will have to eventually go over to the main hospital at some point today. Because as I said earlier we are still moving in, not everything we need is over here yet. If you’ll take a seat over there, someone will call you back when it’s your turn.”

They nodded and thanked her, walking over to take a seat. Natasha lifted Lexi out of the stroller to let her sit down in between the two of them. There was some sort of interactive TV and toys to keep the kids occupied to which Lexi found herself intrigued with. They watched her play for a moment as they waited in a seemingly uncomfortable silence. Natasha hadn’t spoken much since they reached the city and it was starting to worry him.

“You good?” she turned her head to look at him and sighed, returning her gaze to Lexi.

“I’m fine. Like I said, I just don’t like hospitals,” he found her hand once again and was slightly surprised to find she didn’t pull away. This was unlike her, even if she was playing a part, Melissa Hastings didn’t have that much of a difference in personality to Natasha’s.

So he just let it go and traced small circles on the back of her hand as they watched Lexi and other families, walking in and out. Natasha eventually took Ellie out of the stroller after she’d grown fussy, the little girl sitting contently on her lap as Lexi colored with Steve. They were busy today so it wasn’t until a half hour later that a nurse came to take them back.

“So sorry about the wait. I’m Jen one of the social workers here at CHOP. I will be handling your daughter’s case. You will meet with the doctor, but we want to get some tests started before doing so.”

They both nodded and she continued. Ellie was to be having a series of tests all of which were easy, except the MRI. That would require sedation and at that Steve tensed.

“Because of her age we can’t rely on her to stay still, so yes we do have to sedate her. It’s a simple in and out procedure. We just want to take a look to see what all her previous caregiver did so we know what we still need to repair.”

“Okay. So how long will this all take?” Steve asked. He really didn’t want to spend more time than they had to there.

“Most of the day. The MRI , will be the longest procedure, about a half hour and with the sedation it should be about two hours. And we’ll schedule it around other tests so that we can monitor her, without delaying anything. I understand you just moved here, so I’m sure your still settling in. The doctor will be present for the MRI and will be able to sit you down while we monitor Eleanor and explain the results of what we have found.”

“Okay,” that seemed to be the only thing he and Natasha could say throughout the conversation.

“Great, and please don’t hesitate to ask questions. The staff and I are here for you and your family. If you don’t mind, I do have to go check in on another patient, but Caroline here is going to start off with the exams. Here is my card with my office hours, phone numbers, and pager and I will be around later as well to check in.”

All in all she was genuine and seemed concerned for Ellie, but this was going to be a long day. He couldn’t actually tell you what any of those tests were except for the MRI since he’d had one after he woke up. Caroline took Ellie’s temperature, pulse ox, and height and weight, all were off. He knew they would be because of her condition, but by the look on the nurse’s face it was worse than it should be. She then did the ECG in the room, covering Ellie’s tiny body in twenty thousand little electrodes.

Ellie didn’t like the cold feeling, he could tell as she tried pulling at the stickers. He tried to follow the lines on the screen, but his gaze had been locked onto the Rhino Tech logo stamped onto the machine. As soon as the stickers and wires were attached they were being taken back off again, test done and over with. He wondered if they’d actually taken any reading and if so how?

They were taken back out to the waiting room after the tests and told to wait again for someone to come get them for Ellie’s blood test. While they were waiting, Lexi needed to be changed and Natasha told Steve she’d take Ellie back if he weren’t back when they got called. They didn’t both need to go back and Lexi was finally use to Steve. Though one thing they needed to do was figure out if they could potty train the girl, because one less kid to change and less diapers to buy would be nice.

Just  like Natasha had suspected, the nurse came for them and took her and Ellie back to the lab. Natasha tensed when she heard a child crying and screaming and held Ellie tighter. The nurse seemed completely unfazed by the child’s screams. When they passed the room with the small child, a boy no more than five, she saw him with his father who also seemed pained, but like this was so normal.

“No!! No more!!! Tell doctor no more!!!!” The boy yelled. It took every ounce of strength Natasha had not to go in there and stop it herself. She knew what it was like having things done against her will and she had to remind herself that these kids were here because this was their only hope, but hearing him crying…

“You know what, you can tell him that yourself in just a few minutes okay?” Natasha heard the nurse tell the little boy, not in an upset manner, but in an encouraging one. “I think he might agree.”

“It’s hard, but it’ll get easier.” Natasha hadn’t even realized she’d stopped walking. She looked back to the nurse, Julie, her name tag said. “It’s hard seeing what they go through, but the amount of kids I’ve seen come back, healthy and happy as ever…it’s worth seeing the pain.”

Natasha nodded, almost numb as she followed Julie back to the room.

“Just not sure I can do that,” it wasn’t a lie, it felt weird to say it, to actually let some emotion slip.

“A lot of parents feel that way. You’ll want to smash something, scream, and you’ll learn things about how much you can take through this, but in the end you’ll be able to say you did everything and you never gave up.”

She wasn’t sure what to make of Julie’s words so she just nodded in agreement as she sat down with Ellie. Julie pulled out a butterfly needle and vials, taking the stickers and labeling them. She asked Natasha to pull Ellie’s sweater off whichever hand was easiest to draw from and Natasha realized she didn’t know which that would be so she told her it depends and took Ellie’s sweater off . The nurse checked both hands and Ellie started fussing.

“It’s okay sweet girl, don’t you worry okay,” Julie wrapped a small blue rubber tourniquet around Ellie’s right arm. “So this is the part you’re going to hate yourself for, I need you to hold her down so she doesn’t move. Because of the amount of tests, I do have to take a little more than usual. Just hold her steady, I’ve got her arm and wrist you just get her body.”

Natasha nodded readjusting her grip so Ellie couldn’t move. Julie was right, she was really hatting herself right now. She couldn’t look at Julie as she unwrapped the needle. Ellie of course started crying before she’d even been pricked and tried pulling her arm away but Julie kept it still. Natasha held her breath as Ellie started wailing again as the needle was inserted. It felt like an eternity until Julie smiled at Ellie taking the needle out and telling her she was all done.

No sooner was the bandage on, Natasha took Ellie wrapping her tight in her arms and bolting up from the seat to the corner of the room by the door. She felt only a tinge of guilt for the reaction towards Julie, but this was bringing back far too many unpleasant memories for Natasha and all she wanted to do right now was take Ellie and go someplace safe and hide. She held the little girl protectively, bouncing her on her hip. Julie came up handing Natasha Ellie’s sweater and a sticker for the little girl.

“Everything else will be much easier today; she’ll still fuss, but I can promise you that it’ll be easier. Also, I saw you have another child and so here’s an extra sticker.” Natasha gave her a small tight smile taking the stickers.

“Thank you. Kids and stickers.” Julie shrugged.

“I get eighteen year olds in here who still want to the sticker. Saying they might as well get something in exchange.” Natasha frowned slightly.

“You see kids that long?” Julie nodded, wavering a little.

“It depends. We take kids up until twenty years old. Most that old though have been coming since they were Eleanor’s age.” Natasha’s heart sank at that.

“So they get used to it?” Julie sighed sitting back down.

“I guess you could say that, but I don’t really think it’s something you can ever get used to. The good news is, she’s young and chances are she won’t remember this. A feeling yes, but the memories no. That won’t be the case in the beginning, but after a while…I hear about all sorts of cases. These kids will grow up too fast, they’ll have an understanding that most won’t, but they’re also some of the most caring and determined people I know. These experience won’t ever leave them, but they come out all the better for it. That I know for sure. It’s the only thing that keeps me coming back.”

Julie handed her back Ellie’s papers and Natasha walked out of the room back to the waiting area with Ellie still crying. She saw Steve was back with Lexi and knew he could see she was upset, but she put on what she could and sat back down with Ellie.

“Do you want me to-” She  shook her head at his question and he nodded choosing to just put an arm around her shoulders instead. Lexi climbed up onto the chair with them giving her sister a kiss and holding onto her hand.

* * *

The  rest of the day went more smoothly, that is until they had to sedate Ellie for the MRI. Natasha hadn’t let her go and the technician had to practically pry Ellie from her grasp. They were nice about it though, understanding, which told her this was common practice. She waited impatiently with Steve and Lexi, pacing the room. This was excruciating and she couldn’t understand how parents did this on a regular basis. Ellie wasn’t even hers and she was barely holding herself together. The Black Widow didn’t get like this, but she was barely holding on. She tried to think about the mission, about the Rhino Tech logo on the MRI machine, the electrocardiography and the ultrasound cart earlier.

The nurse came back stating they were finished and took them back to recovery. Ellie was still asleep in a crib hooked up to a monitor that was also baring Rhino Tech’s logo. Seeing that made her think of the Hastings and she was starting to get a better understanding of why they did what they did. Because right now, she was just about ready to do anything to never have to see this again. The doctor came in introducing herself as Cindy Brighton, head of Cardiology. She seemed nice and was very patient.

She took them over Ellie’s condition once again, asking them what they were confused on, if they knew everything or understood. Both her and Steve asked questions about it and what they had done today, to which she explained fully and patiently. Then it was time to figure out what to do.

“So, it seems the doctor who performed Ellie’s surgery wasn’t an expert which is fine. They still did a good job, but there is a concerning amount of scar tissue starting to form.” _Oh no._ “Now obviously we need to fix what we can, but we cannot do anything till we remove the scar tissue and adjust the placement of the  . After we do that, then we can go ahead and start correcting the other issues as well.”

Natasha took a deep breath.

“Okay. What about the hole?” Dr. Brighton nodded.

“We will have to place a patch, simple enough, and we can do that while removing the scar tissue. We can only do a little at a time due to her age and condition, but if she comes out well then we can start thinking further ahead. You’ll also have to meet with a doctor in the gastroenterology department as well to discuss having a feeding tube inserted. I’m concerned about her size and what nutrients she’s getting.”

Both Steve and Natasha nodded, taking the card of the doctor in gastroenterology as Dr. Brighton continued. It was a lot to take in for one day, and by the end, they’d scheduled the pre-op with Dr. Brighton and Jen who’d come back to check in. Dr. Brighton wanted to monitor Ellie further and sent them home with a special halter monitor that was to be worn on her foot. It would send and receive transitions concerning her condition to the hospital, and using an app, to Steve and herself. That made her feel a little more at ease with putting Ellie to sleep; this way, they would know if something was wrong immediately and the hospital would already be notified by the device so they could dispatch emergency responders.

By the end Ellie was already awake and ready to go home. They all were. The entire way back, everyone was fairly quiet except for a few words from Lexi here and there. They picked up something to eat on the way back and when they got back to the house, she fed Ellie and put her down for what might be the night. The little girl had been through so much so she’d expected her to sleep most of the night. When she checked on Lexi she found her content playing in her room and walked back to the master.

They were supposed to be expecting a call from Fury and she could hear Steve talking in the study and had told him she’d meet him  in there, but she couldn’t right then. She walked in to their room closing the door and locking herself in the bathroom. Sliding down the door as she finally let go of the tears that had been threatening all day.

This was going to be her most grueling mission yet…

_And it had only just begun._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used to be that little boy, then I gave up. Well not gave up, more like put up with it as my understanding grew. But that was on my last trip that I saw that. I had to pause and watch because it never really does end. It does become a new normal. My mom had to sit there and hold me down as they did tests and spinal taps, so many god damn taps...You read the nurse telling him to talk to the doctor and it's something they do encourage. They don't hide what's happening from you. No matter what age, your in every meeting, every session. While it does screw with your brain a little it gives you this sense of control. 
> 
> I used to refuse to let them put me to sleep because I didn't like how fast the injected the anesthetic so one day the doc looks at me, shrugs and hands me the syringe, already screwed into the IV, because he knew if I did it myself I had control. It then became my choice, not someone else's. I used to know the exact needle, IV bag, everything down to the actual name and would walk in and order the nurse to get what she needed. And they let me. 
> 
> Now I can be a major control freak though so that might be a little bit to blame, but...its what I needed to get through the times and it worked. They were no longer torturing me, but helping me. And yes, I considered it torture. I used to scream for someone to help me because they were hurting me and no one came, because they were helping me, but how do you explain to a four year old that their dying? You don't. I know the difference now of course, but that was then.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes its been way to long, sorry about that I kept getting distracted by people. That aside this chapters shorter compared to the last. I had more to it, but I like the cut off and if I hadn't it would have been even longer than the last chapter. So that tidbit I showed you guys on Tumblr is now in Chapter seven. Either way it turned out how I wanted it to so here you guys go!
> 
> WARNINGS: None really, just left over feels from last chapter and discussion on forced medical treatments on little people who are not capable of making those dissections due to the fact that they're to young to comprehend death. And a little mention of a miscarriage.

“Captain.” Fury greeted through the monitor.

“Fury.” Steve greeted back. The director furrowed his brow watching him curiously. He probably thought he looked like shit. Steve sure as hell felt that way. Not to mention he was worried about Natasha. She was really shaken after Ellie’s blood draw and the rest of the day only seemed to heighten that.

“Captain?”

“Uh sorry…what was that?” Steve blinked looking back at the director. Fury nodded slowly, knowingly.

“I asked you how Eleanor’s appointment went, but I take it by your lack in response and attention that it was long.” Steve huffed.

“Yeah that’s one word for it.” Fury hummed sitting back.

“How did Agent Romanoff take it?” That was a curious question to ask.

“I’ll let you know.” He answered simply, because honestly he didn’t know.

Fury frowned.

“You don’t know or don’t want to share?” Steve shrugged.

“Mostly the first.” Fury nodded once more and Steve felt like there was something more to his inquiries.

“Is there something I should know about? Something that might impact this mission?”

Fury eyed him closely.

“I’ll let you know.” Steve nodded his head.

“But Captain, do keep an eye out for her.”

That was strange coming from Fury, but he nodded.

“Always am.”

“I know, but…” Fury sighed sitting back in his chair. “I knew this would work best with the two of you on this mission for more than one reason. But I also knew this could bring up things for Agent Romanoff that she might prefer stay buried and I can’t blame her. So what you have to understand is that if she starts closing off more than usual, or you see something that you feel could cause the mission to go south you need to tell me. No, she’s not in trouble, never was, never will be…it’s just for her own sake.”

That worried him a little. Fury only really had one facial expression and Steve could see hints of worry in the man’s good eye. There was something off about his wording. The way he phrased his words made it seem like he had no concern for the mission, only Natasha. It made sense, Steve thought, he knew Natasha looked up to Fury and while the man could be blunt he seemed to have a soft spot for the spy.

“So how was she after the appointment today?” Fury asked again, pushing the subject further. Steve took a deep breath letting it out through a long sigh.

“Shaken, but any stable minded person would be after spending the day in a children’s hospital. Once we left she was better. She’s with the girls now, but we’ll be spending quite a bit of time down there. Ellie’s got some other issues that have to be taken care of before we can even think about fixing her heart.” Fury nodded.

“Alright. Thank you Captain…I promise this isn’t going to turn into one of those report back to me type of things. She knows and I do want to talk to her myself.” Steve nodded.

“I know. Anyways, anything else?” Fury shook his head.

“No that’ll be all.” Steve gave him a tight lipped smile and disconnected the chat.

He knew Fury was worried, but Steve still wasn’t sure if he should have said anything. He was now even more unsure about doing this job. Especially if this could bring things up for Natasha that could hurt her. He walked upstairs and down the hall to see Lexi and Ellie already asleep, before going to his and Natasha’s room. He knocked on the door before opening it when there was no response. Looking around he saw the bathroom light on and hesitated a moment, his hand hovering mid-air, before knocking.

“Hey, Natasha you alright?” He waited a few moments and when he heard nothing he tried again. “Natasha you okay-”

The door swung open and she glared at him.

“Can’t a girl pee without you worrying?” he pulled his lips into a line.

“Sorry.” She just sighed walking from the bathroom.

“Whatever. What did Fury say?” She asked walking to the closet to put some things away.

“Nothing much. Just asked about the neighbors, anything weird, Ellie’s appointment. Gave him the update he nodded like he always does told us to keep watch and let him know.” She nodded refolding the same sweater again. “You good?”

She didn’t look back at him.

“Fine.” She was most definitely not fine.

He could see the puffiness in her eyes and saw they were slightly red. While she was good, she wasn’t that good. He walked up behind her taking the sweater from her hands. She gave it willingly and he saw her hands were shaking. She was strong that much he knew. If she didn’t want you to see it, you didn’t, and he always tried to respect that. But he also knew he was still new to her and her to him, and he didn’t expect her to trust him yet and vice versa.

But they were also fairly alone on this. He knew the only person she really fully trusted was Clint and honestly he didn’t have anybody, not anymore. He also knew Clint was trusting him not to screw this up. That’s why he pulled her into his arms hugging her. She stiffened at the contact.

“Rogers what the hell are you doing?”

“It’s called a hug.”

“I know what it’s called. What I want to know is why you felt the need to do so.”

“Because you looked like you needed it, hell I needed it to. So just except the hug Romanoff.” He felt her reluctantly hug him back. Felt her take a shuddering breath as she hugged him a little tighter, less reluctant. She let go though and he let her go as well, not wanting to push her any further. She just gave him a hint of a smile as they both went about getting ready for bed. He had to be at Rhino Tech early the next morning and she had plans to drill him before he left to insure he knew what he was doing, but right now neither of them could care less.

* * *

Sleep was evading her. She couldn’t, no matter how much she wanted to, close her eyes. So many thoughts and questions ran through her head that her mind was almost clouded with them. She turned looking behind her to find Steve sound asleep- _lucky bastard_ -and soundlessly, without shifting too much, she got out of the bed and walked downstairs. It was quiet as she made her way to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. The girls were fast asleep, both drained of energy from the day’s activities.

The kettle whistled and she pulled out a mug pouring the hot water inside and letting the tea steep. She leaned back against the counter letting the steam rise from the mug and ease her tension. This was one mission she was seriously considering bailing on at the moment. She knew how to do her job, but the many new complications were causing her to question her decision.

How? How did she get here? How had the Hastings gotten here? How did they go through the last six months of this hell with their daughter? Why did they? Why did Melissa think it was even her fault?

Natasha set her mug down on the island before heading out into the garage and taking the box with the journals back inside. Melissa had piqued her interest and Natasha found the page left for her-no, not her-whoever was taking care of the girls. Still she was that person, for now at least, and this might help their mission, give them insight into the Hastings and their dealings. That’s why Natasha gathered up the books that had been left for them and stored the others away. Because maybe she wanted to know why. She’d always been told she asked too many questions growing up and the universe knows she paid for them too, but she was curious.

Natasha read the pages carefully finding out more about Melissa than she’d thought she would. The women left nothing out- _nothing_ -down to the last detail. It was like she was reading one of those romantic novels Maria hates but secretly adores, but she also felt a little bad because it was so personal.

_…I never thought I could be a mother. It wasn’t something I thought about, but I guess it was bound to happen at some point. We weren’t the most careful. So when I found out I was pregnant the thought scared me to no end. I thought “what if he didn’t want this?” “What if I lost him because of this?” turned out I had no reason to fear that and while Chris was just as scared, he always loved a good challenge. When he kissed me and asked me to marry him I said yes. Because we were going to be a family…not two weeks later I lost the baby. Telling Chris was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Guess it was my fault really, a payment for my sins…he still has no idea how I stood over the bathroom sink with a razor held to my wrist because I couldn’t take the pain of knowing I couldn’t even protect my own child inside me. The only thing that kept me from doing it was the thought of him finding me on the dirty bathroom floor of our motel room. I couldn’t do that to him, I loved him far too much, even though I could never understand how he could love me just as much…_

Natasha couldn’t really wrap her head around what she was reading. Melissa had poured her heart into these journals, some of it was broken up, points where she wouldn’t write for months and retell the tale, but most of it was written as it happened. The jobs they did, the life they lived, the love they had for each other. In a way she wondered how their love hadn’t gotten them caught before, but they weren’t stupid. That much she could tell.

“Hey,” Natasha looked up to find Steve enter the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “You good?”

_God she really hated that question._

“Yeah, just couldn’t sleep.” Well it wasn’t a total lie.

Steve walked the rest of the way into the kitchen, coming to stand next to her. He pulled the box towards him as he looked inside and began sifting through its contents.

“What is all this?” He asked through a yawn.

“Journals that Melissa kept. She made some for the girls. They knew.” Steve narrowed his eyes in question, his brain not fully functional at two in the morning.

“They knew what?”

“They knew SHIELD was coming for them. They let themselves get caught.” Natasha explained handing him Melissa’s letter. He read it as carefully as she had before, the remints sleep leaving his body.

“Why not just run then? Why not tip off Rhino Tech?” Natasha shrugged. In all honesty, if they did know, who says they didn’t tip them off? But still something was telling her they hadn’t.

“From what I can tell, I think they wanted to. Get caught I mean. Ellie’s sick and taking a sick child on the run isn’t an option and they clearly had enough love for her to give up their chances of seeing the girls ever again for the sake of saving her. But I don’t think they tipped off Rhino Tech. She doesn’t seem afraid of them in the letter, but I get the feeling that Rhino Tech hadn’t given them as much of an option as we thought.”

“You think Rhino Tech sought them out and not the other way around?” Natasha nodded. While they had no real proof of either seeking the other out, she wasn’t so sure the Hastings were as willing to continue on as they had been in the past.

“If that’s the case than there’s definitely something more going on here than we thought. Question is what? We know Rhino Tech is big in the area. The hospital was full of Rhino Tech’s equipment and technology. Not to mention they’re big in radar and sonar equipment and oil and gas. So what’s the ticket?”

Steve worried his bottom lip as he thought about what they knew.

“Those are some big industries though. Medical, military, and energy. It takes them places, powerful places. The oil and gas alone causes enough global disputes every day and the military contracts for their tech gives them leverage with the government and medical gets them an in with hospitals and the public; and those are just its biggest industries at the moment. They have their hands in everything.”

Steve was right, they had their hands on anything they could get, but the focus was on those industries alone. So why?

“We assumed that Rhino Tech took on the Hastings because of their arms dealing. What if they sought them out for other reasons? I mean, the Hastings were thieves first and foremost . The arms dealing seemed to be fairly recent as they got more desperate. Maybe they were stealing for other arms dealers and trading the information they found?”

“And maybe they found something Rhino Tech had an interest in.”

“If that’s the case than we might have an even bigger problem than we thought.” Steve nodded thumbing through one of the journals.

“If were right, then we need to find out what that is before we’re forced to find it. Not to mention if the Hastings did inform Rhino Tech, then we need to be careful.” Natasha sighed knowing he was right.

This just made their mission a whole lot harder and she got the feeling that if Rhino Tech did know they wouldn’t let it show. No they’d be watching too, looking for information as well. To see if they could spot the difference or find the error. The problem now was determining how to go about the mission. Should they act as though Rhino Tech knew the Hastings had gotten caught or should they pretend nothing was amiss? One wrong move and everything could fall apart in a matter of seconds.

“Okay, here’s the plan. We continue on with the original plan; pretend like we’re the Hastings and figure out what Rhino Tech knows. Then hopefully in the process we’re able to figure out if we’ve been compromised or not and what the real reason behind the Hastings being hired is.”

“Alright, but what happens if it turns out that they do know we’re not the real Hastings?” Natasha ran a hand through her hair wondering the same thing.

“Well, if they’re playing us as well, and don’t know we know, then we use it to our advantage. Play dumb, all the while figuring out what they’re looking for from us.” Natasha told him. “And if they do know, and decide not to play us, we get the hell outta dodge.”

Steve nodded, tight lipped, “great.”

There was a silence between them as Natasha sat with her tea, trying to decide if there was one thing they could be certain about with this mission. She felt Steve’s gaze watching her, studying her.

“What?” Natasha asked looking up at him, prompting him to sit down and ask the question he’s been holding out on since earlier.

“What happened back there, at the hospital, when you took Ellie back?” Natasha sighed. She really didn’t want to talk about it, but she’d asked him.

“There was a boy. He was crying hysterically, telling them to stop. He couldn’t have been more than five and his dad was just sitting there with him on his lap as the nurse took blood…I just can’t wrap my mind around it and yet I had to do the same thing seconds later.” Steve took her hands in his rubbing circles into her skin. She was shaking, her voice wavering with each word. “I did something today I told myself I’d _never_ do, and I get there’s a difference I do, but it doesn’t feel like there’s one. We’re supposed to be protecting these girls and it felt far from that today.”

_So far_ …how do any of those people just sit there with their kids screaming for it to end? How do they watch on as their kids are getting poked and prodded with treatments that are meant to make them better when it’s most likely only prolonging the inevitable? How can they do it themselves?

“I just don’t want to walk away from this only to learn that everything we did for Ellie ended in more harm than good,” Natasha finished. It was true that’s all she really wanted. If something were to go wrong, she wasn’t sure she could take it.

“Unfortunately, that’s something we can’t know,” Steve said sadly and Natasha hung her head.

“I know…”

“Then why beat yourself up over it?” Natasha took back her hands, getting up to pace.

“Because its just-God, it’s like we’re expected to just hand her over to these people and take their word for it.”

“We are,” Steve answered. “Nat…we don’t know much about what’s going on. We have no idea what to do about Ellie, but they do. Even if it only buys them a little longer, it’s better than nothing.”

“Is it?” Natasha challenged. “Is it really? You heard the doctor, she’s going to be stuck on the sidelines for the rest of her life. She may have breathing problems in the future. It’s like trading one problem for a bunch of smaller ones!”

She saw something shift in Steve’s demeanor. Something almost cold replacing the softness in his gaze from earlier.

“I know. Trust me I do. If I hadn’t taken the serum chances are I’d be dead by thirty. There is no chance for normal, there will be things she cannot do, but trust me when I tell you it is better than giving up. And yeah sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, but in the end it was still worth it.”

Natasha stared back at him taking a moment to really look at him. He was in no better shape than she was and she was shocked that she hadn’t seen it earlier. Maybe he was better at hiding his feelings than she realized.

“I don’t like not having control. It’s like we’re not even giving her a say. I get she’s too young to know, but I don’t want her to look back and hate what was done to her because it’s not what she wanted. That these two strangers forced something on her that she didn’t ask for .”

“I don’t either, but you know it’s the right thing to do. Or else you wouldn’t have let them go anywhere near Ellie.” Of course she knew that. But that doesn’t make it feel any less horrific.

Steve sighed, motioning for her to take his hand. She eyed it hesitantly before taking it and following him upstairs. He led her to Ellie’s room, where the door was cracked open and he pushed on it showing her inside. Somehow, Lexi had found her way into the room and into the crib with Ellie, both girls sound asleep.

“No matter what, no matter how much worse it got, or what new things got added to the list, I always had my best friend Bucky with me. He was like my brother and he kept me grounded. It’s not about making her worse or adding to her ailments, it’s about getting her though it, together. Making sure she’s not alone. Lexi’s two and has no idea what’s going on, but knows her sister needs somebody. We all do. We break things down into smaller bits so that others can help carry that weight. That’s why those parents are there, holding their kids because, it’s just as much their fight as it is the child’s. Those parents endure the crying and the screaming because that’s their pain. That’s their way of enduring it with their child. It’s not necessarily healthy, but it’s what works.”

His voice was soft, hushed as he spoke as to not wake the girls and it somehow added weight to what he was saying. They’d do what they could to give her a chance to make those decisions on her own. Until then, they were going to have to be that voice and her support.

They walked out of the room leaving the door opened a jar before heading down the hall to their room. She slipped back into bed and she felt the bed dip as he slipped in beside her. She had her back to him and for a moment she entertained the idea of moving closer to him, but no sooner had the thought entered her mind, she felt him drape an arm lightly over her waist drawing her closer, but keeping a little distance. It was light enough that she’d have no issue rolling away from him, but it felt good, like an anchor.

“Hey Nat?”

“Hm?” Natasha hummed not turning to face him. She could feel his breath fanning against her ear and the back of her neck as he spoke and it sent a chill down her spine.

“Promise me something. When this is over, no matter what, you won’t blame yourself for what happens.” She intertwined their fingers, closing her eyes she sighed,

“That’s a promise I don’t think I can keep.” She whispered into the dark and he sighed, his body slumping slightly.

“Me either…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is encouraged and appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> so it's been a while, longer than I would have liked. Things have come up and that health scare I had back in June came back to bite me in the ass. Needless to say that's had me on edge and I've been struggling between coming to terms and bursting into tears out of pure frustrations with decision making because I'm an adult and I have to decide these things now. Remember last chapter about Natasha's thing with control and how the child has no say and it will come out with undesired results later on in life? Yeah that's where I am at the moment. But It's better now, well my attitude towards it at least. I still have no fucking clue if this is just a scare or not yet because the test is lengthy and I'm impatient. Makes for great results. And I've been working a lot which is a blessing because I need money and they hired my mom too which is more income to pay bills so yay! And my car crapped out on me, BUT! It came out cheaper than I thought (by A LOT) and my friends husband got it into the shop for me so that made this month a little better and I get paid this week so I can actually pay for the repairs.
> 
> Lesson of this long note is that while shit happens good things still happen to so I'm trying to keep that in mind and I also want you guys to keep that in mind as well because we all have shitty days at some point and it helps to look for a little bit of light.
> 
> On to the chapter! You guys are gonna like this one, it's lighter with some angst thrown in for good measure, and references from everyone's favorite movie.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own the references, tweaked them a little, but their still Marvel's, nor do I own the picture at the bottom, whoever took it does, I just edited slightly, adding some shading.
> 
> Enjoy guys! Feel free to comment!

Steve stood in front of the bathroom   as he finished tying his tie. He’d always hated ties; they felt like a noose around his neck. He thought about last night and his conversation with Natasha. After he’d woken up from another fitful sleep he’d found he was alone in bed. It only took him a moment before he realized he wasn’t supposed to be and went in search of Natasha.

He’s never really seen her that shaken and it more than worried him. He was used to things like this concerning Ellie. Being told that things were worse than they looked or that chances are, if they do one thing it’ll come back to bite them in the ass with no other option to be found. He’d been told that time and time again growing up. He knew what to do from watching his mom, from reading her journals after she’d passed. Guess Melissa Hastings had the same idea. But it still hurt and he wished he knew what to do to help Natasha. She had a lot more skeletons in her closet than he thought, and they were fighting back now, that much he could tell.

Steve walked out of the bathroom to find the room vacant, Natasha nowhere in sight. He woke up that morning to his alarm as she proceeded to drill him with questions about his cover. Even after he closed the bathroom door to get a shower; or half expected her to just bypass the lock and waltz right on in. He grabbed his suit jacket off the bed before heading downstairs. Both doors to the girls rooms were open, and vacated as well, telling him at some point while he was getting ready they’d woken. They sure got up rather early for such a young age.

Sure enough, when he walked into the kitchen all three were there. Lexi was standing on the counter with a sippy cup in her hand talking to-or well, trying to talk to-Natasha as she stood at the counter with Ellie attached to her hip by some scarf wrap thing as she drank coffee; periodically  popping a piece of strawberry into her mouth. She looked a little more tired than normal; but considering last night, he was surprised she even fell back asleep to begin with.

“Can I-can I has…?” Lexi asked quickly as she tried to figure out her words. Holding out her hand and closing it like she was grabbing for the air . Clearly, Natasha understood what she was saying because she took Lexi’s cup, telling her to sit down before turning her back to go to the fridge for the milk.

The scene was terribly domestic as he watched her move around the kitchen. He knew right then he wasn’t watching the Black Widow. He knew they had a part to play, but he couldn’t help but think this was the _real Natasha Romanoff._ There was an innocence to her and he saw how young she looked behind her tired emerald eyes.

“Hey, can you grab some plates for me?” She asked rummaging through the fridge. He walked over to the cabinets grabbing the plates and some utensils. He almost missed the pan of French toast sitting on the stove and wondered how long he’d really taken to get ready. And when in the world did she learn to cook? He’d always just assumed she didn’t since they always ate take out when they were together and he knew she wasn’t home a lot so…

He set the plates down and Lexi took her seat on the bench, her back to the living room. She had a little booster seat and sat in it quickly, clearly very excited about food. But she was back to being hesitant around him again as she eyed him with caution. Oh well, some days were going to be better than others, that was just fact. He walked back to the counter pouring himself a large mug of coffee and refilling Natasha’s.

“Don’t just stand there questioning whether it’s edible! Take it to the table please,” Natasha said as she passed by him to go to the table. He cringed at his hopeless transparency, taking the dish and walking to the table.

He wasn’t going to lie, this was weird. Especially for her. He never pegged her for this type of a person, then again, wasn’t it her job to be anyone and anything? Still though it was weirding him out.

“Didn’t know you cooked,” Steve said to her as he sat down. She rolled her eyes at him.

“Don’t know if that’s worse than expecting me to be able to cook or not.” Steve was about to start rambling an apology when she chuckled. “Relax, you’d be surprised how many people say the same thing. Just because I don’t doesn’t mean I can’t and just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean I don’t do it.”

He nodded slowly trying to untangle her words while also accepting the perfectly browned pieces of bread.

“Besides, someone has to support your sweet tooth,” Natasha commented casually as she cut up a piece for Lexi. Steve paused, fork in midair as he wondered what she meant. He rarely ate sugary treats out of habit and the only time he really did was… _wait!_

“You’re the Sugar Fairy?!” Steve asked surprised by the realization. Natasha smirked, taking a bite of her own food as Steve watched her dumbfounded.

You see, when Steve had first started out at SHIELD he quickly learned that everyone loved snacking. Partly because no one had time to stop and eat, but mostly it seemed to just be an overall modern American thing to do. One morning he walked into the break room not having had a chance to eat breakfast and found a couple trays of Danishes. Then one of the other agents told him that, as far as he could remember, every couple of days food just appears out of nowhere in the breakroom with a note that it’s for staff. The other agents dubbed that person “The Sugar Fairy” on account that no matter what, they couldn’t ever get evidence of who that person was. Most didn’t even question it because they didn’t want the treats to stop coming. After his first taste he understood why, whoever it was had a real talent. And apparently that someone was Natasha.

“You probably would have figured it out eventually, but since we go on missions together you don’t see when there’s nothing left in the room.” Natasha pointed out. “Only Clint and Fury know, and it’s best too because at this point most wouldn’t even believe it was me after so long.”

Steve shook his head smiling at her.

“Where’d you learn to cook like that?”

Natasha shrugged.

“Mainly on my own. I did attend culinary school for a little while on assignment when I was still on my own, but mostly self-taught.” Huh, there was definitely a lot more to her than meets the eye.

“You ready?” Natasha asked him as he finished eating.

“Yup. Got the flash drive?” Natasha handed him the USB stick  along with his cell phone.

“Remember, you only need to get it into your personal computer for now. Leave it there for the day and retrieve it before you leave. After that, activate the sensor in your watch and it should signal you if anyone tries to tap your phone or any of your devices. Got all that?”

Steve nodded taking the stick and checking his watch.

“Doesn’t sound too hard,” Steve replied. Natasha smirked a little handing him a to-go mug of coffee.

“It’s not, but you do have the tendency to make things harder than they need to be.” Steve rolled his eyes making her smile.

“Just try not to look too nervous. Your job is easy and you learn fast. Now go you’re going to be late to meet your new best friend.” Steve groaned.

“Why did I say yes?” Natasha shrugged popping a piece of strawberry into her mouth.

“Because you’re too nice and we need to get close to them so they can lead us to what we want to know,” Natasha replied, mouth half full as she shooed him towards the door. “Just do as I told you to and you’ll be fine. If you need me, you know our code words and I’ll have my cell on me. Send me a message when you have the drive in place and I’ll be able to get the information downloaded.”

She patted his shoulder, opening the door.

“You’ll be fine. I on the other hand…well let’s just say if I haven’t started drinking by the time you get back than I call it a win.” Her face said she was joking, but the tone in her voice and last night told him she was most likely being dead serious.

“You and me both,” She smiled and as he was about to walk out the door she tugged on his sleeve. “You’re supposed to kiss your wife goodbye.”

_He was…wait…what?_

“What?” Natasha rolled her eyes, cupping the back of his neck as she pressed a kiss to his lips. By the time his brain finally kicked back into gear she’d pulled away. She smirked at him, a tease laced behind it, he wasn’t going to live this one down.

“Neighbors are watching,” that was all she said before she looked behind him smiling and waving. He didn’t have to turn around to know who was standing there.

“Hi, Donny! Have a good day,” Natasha said to him and then just like that she was gone, leaving him very confused. He turned around, putting on a smile as he greeted Donny.

“Hey man ready to go?” Donny asked him with a smile. Steve smiled back gesturing with his arm.

“Lead the way.”

* * *

For the most part Donny did the talking. Pointing things out as he drove. He was taking a majority of backroads which Steve learned do take longer, but not as long as the main route. They reached the complex of buildings in no time and Steve felt his nerves kicking in as they passed through security. While Natasha/Melissa, would also to be working for the company, she was going to be working from home for the most part. It would give them a chance to peruse the company from afar, but also brought the added chance of them getting caught as well. They’d be bringing Rhino Tech technology into the house and there was a possibility of it being bugged of course.

Once through the front doors Steve bid farewell to Donny and told him they’d meet up later before heading up to the executive floors to meet with Mr. Dunhill. He was apparently the head of the department and he’d received an email from the man giving him instructions on where to meet. He reached the eighth floor; getting off, he was greeted by a young secretary, a brunet with short curly hair. She smiled as he walked up, her eyes taking him in. He tried his best to ignore her gaze as he approached the desk.

“Good morning, sir. How can I help you?” the woman asked, her smile becoming more daring than he’d like.

“I was by Mr. Dunhill to meet him here.” Steve told her, voice stead.

“Name?”

“Christopher Hastings,” The woman’s fingers flew across her keyboard as she looked up his name.

“Yes, of course. You want to go down the hall there and it will be the last office at the end of the hall.” Steve nodded giving her a small smile before following her directions and heading down the hall.

Upon reaching his destination Steve took a deep breath raising his hand to knock on the door, but before he could, it opened. The man in front of him smiled-Mr. Dunhill-Steve suspected. He wasn’t as old as Steve thought he’d be, only having maybe four or five years on Steve.

“Christopher Hastings, right? It’s nice to meet you I’m Henry Dunhill. Please come on in and take a seat.” Steve shook Mr. Dunhill’s hand before following the man inside.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well sir.” Dunhill waved him off.

“Please enough with the pleasantries. So, as you already know, you’ll be working with our marketing team. Great people! I’m sure you’ll fit right in. Your office will be on the fifth floor, feel free to add your own personal touches, just no outside computers and only new unused flash drives please. Safety precautions, I assure you. I understand you’ve met Donny DiStefano? Great man, let me tell you.”

Well it seems that Dunhill liked to get down to business. Good.

“Yes sir. He and his wife seem like good people,”

Dunhill nodded.

“Agreed, anyways, I really do want to spend more time discussing your position here at Rhino Tech, but I’m afraid I’m late for a meeting. Tiffany, will show you around and get you acquainted. Please don’t hesitate to ask questions. Anyone here will be more than happy to help you.”

Steve nodded, standing when prompted by Dunhill and followed him out to the main desk.

“I think you and your wife-once she joins-will come to find you like working here.”

Steve smiled and nodded his agreement.

“I think we will. Thank you again.”

Dunhill smiled. “It’s my pleasure.”

Dunhill shook his hand once more before heading off to a conference room full of people. Tiffany came around from her desk, giving him a warm smile and gesturing towards the elevator.

“Shall we? We can start from the ground up. We have a full service gym…” Tiffany started as they boarded the elevator.

* * *

Natasha sat on the couch watching Alexis over the pages of Melissa’s diary, but she really hadn’t been able to focus all morning. _Why the hell did she think it was a good idea to kiss him right then?_ Would they have to eventually? Yes, it’d look a little weird if they were never seen exchanging some form of affection, but maybe she should have started him out with a peck on the cheek. After all, chances are Donny wouldn’t have been able to tell from where he was walking up to the stoop.

She inwardly groaned, chastising herself. This was nothing she hadn’t done in the past no need to get her own panties in twist. Besides, she now had something new to tease him about. Her phone beeped beside her and she picked it up reading the text from Steve, their established code,

_Miss you._

Good, he placed the drive into his computer. While she would normally go straight for the main servers, he was still so new to being undercover she didn’t want to take the risk. Little by little, besides this might give them a clue as to what the Hastings were actually hired to do. She picked her laptop up off the coffee table, logging in and activating the bug. Once it was set and confirmed she replied to Steve’s text.

_Miss you too. Only six more hours._

She hit send and right as she set her phone down the doorbell rang. Natasha looked up and over towards the door then down at Lexi, before getting up to answer it. Looking through the window, she saw Janet standing outside and when she opened, noticed Kayson was with her.

“Hi Melissa, I was up early this morning and wanted to bring you over some Amish Bread starter. I’m helping out with our local churches bake sale and over made.” Judging from the smile on Janet’s face Natasha deduced she also wanted to come in. _Definitely lacking in the friend department._ But either way, Natasha knew to play along; putting on a smile, she looked from the starter to Janet.

“Oh how sweet of you, here come on in, Lexi’s in the living room playing and Ellie’s napping.” Janet accepted the invitation and Natasha led them to the living room. “Pardon the mess, we’re still sifting through the boxes trying to get unpacked; why don’t you set that down on the counter.”

Natasha encouraged Kayson to go play with Lexi, who was hesitant to accept the offer; but one look from Natasha and she handed the boy a block. She really did need to socialize or she’d never learn to live in the real world. Once they were settled, Natasha turned her full attention to Janet.

“So, what is this Amish Bread?”

Janet smiled.

“Right, probably don’t hear about it outside the state, it’s like this cake bread with chocolate and cinnamon. It’s absolutely delicious, but takes forever to make, hence why I always make so much. It’s really mostly waiting for the starter.”

Natasha nodded looking at the recipe sheet Janet handed her.

“Do you bake often?”

Janet nodded.

“I do. One day, I hope to open a shop of my own, but until then it’s mostly a hobby. What about you?”

Natasha looked up and gave a shy smile.

“Bake? Sometimes, but I wouldn’t call it a passion.” It’s true, more or less a reprieve for when she couldn’t sleep. It’s better than trying to take out her frustrations target shooting or on a punching bag.

Natasha was finding the more they talked, the more relaxed Janet became. The stress of trying to make a friend leaving her body and she found Janet wasn’t as overly eccentric as her husband came across. Even Lexi seemed to enjoy having someone her own age to play with. They talked for a few hours before Kayson grew grumpy, ready for a nap; and by then, Natasha had enough information on the woman to form an opinion of the couple. Still, it seemed strange to her; too relaxed, too easily. There was definitely something more to the woman than she could see, but that would have to wait for another encounter another day.

* * *

For the most part Steve was finding his job easy. Marketing came naturally for him after all those months he spent selling bonds so he wasn’t having any trouble. Well okay, the newer times came with new ideas of marketing, but he was picking up on it quickly enough. By the time Donny pulled into his driveway though, Steve was back to being on edge. He now had to face Natasha, who’d surprised him with a kiss just before shoving him out the door earlier this morning. Or maybe he could just go with it? She had done it for the job so there was really no need to make a big deal out of it, right? Right! Good, he was back in his senses once more as he walked into the house.

He was greeted to Lexi running out from the living room only to stop halfway down the hall, frown and run right back to where she came from. He was really going to have to figure out what to do about that. He walked into the kitchen and found Natasha having a staring contest with Ellie as she tried to feed the girl. Ellie was seeming to have none of it, avoiding the spoon at all costs.

“Hey, how’d it go?” Natasha asked not looking away from Ellie.

“Good, strange, but then again it could be normal,”

Natasha cracked a smile looking up at him.

“Well it’s not exactly normal for you to work in a real job so it’s gonna be strange.”

Steve rolled his eyes at her, motioning for her to give him the spoon. She glared at him, before handing it over along with the bowl.

“She eaten at all today?” Steve asked her as she walked over to the sink filling a pot with water.

“Yeah, she ate at lunch, but she’s still not eating what she should.” Natasha came back over just as Ellie let Steve feed her.

“Traitor.”

Steve chuckled digging into his pocket for the flash drive.

“We get what we needed?”

“So far yes. I have access to your computer and the information and emails on it. We work to fast, we’ll end up making a mess.”

He nodded, focusing back on Ellie before helping Natasha with dinner.

A few hours later after the girls were finally asleep they were both back in their room looking over Steve’s computer.

“Okay, looks like you’ve got a lot of clearance, but there’s not much on the computer. Which I suspected, but I’ll have access to it throughout the day and from here on out. Any and all evidence will be downloaded and stored for SHIELD,” Natasha said closing the laptop.

“That’s it?” Steve asked, having thought there’d be more to it.

“That’s it. You’re going to find this is more a game of patience than anything Steve. There’s not a whole lot we can do in the beginning, it’s about gaining trust and familiarity at this point. Once that’s established, you’ll find it gets easier.”

Steve nodded, knowing she was the expert at this. He saw her smirk out of the corner of his eye and frowned.

“What?”

He looked at her fully now and she had an eyebrow raised.

“Was that your first kiss since 1945?”

Steve frowned.

“No! I’m 95 not dead!”

Natasha raised both manicured brows and he sighed.

“Was it really that bad?”

“No, I was just wondering how much practice you’ve had.”

Steve glared at her.

“I don’t need practice.”

“Everyone needs practice,”

Natasha said and Steve raised an eyebrow.

“Ever thought that maybe it’s just you?” Steve countered before he thought better of it and received a punch in the shoulder for it. He winced slightly, laughing at the sheer fact he’d gotten the upper hand for this one moment.

“You’re just asking to sleep on the couch.”

He chuckled more when he saw the hint of a smile on her face. He smirked about to speak again when she pinched his arm.

“Ow!”

“One’s enough for tonight.”

He nipped her palm, getting her to let go and she glared, lips pressed together. “You know, when I got assigned to you I expected you to be this great saint of a man, instead, I got the little shit.”

Steve shrugged.

“I was in the army. I’ve always been a little shit.”

She rolled her eyes at him.

“I mean your oddly comfortable with things I never expected you to be comfortable with.”

Steve raised an eyebrow.

“And that would be…?”

Natasha sat up straighter crossing her legs to face him.

“Well for starters, I was right, you blush, but it’s like inherent, so no matter how innocent the flirt, you turn red. What I didn’t count on, was you throwing it back once you’d gotten comfortable.”

Steve frowned, he was still a terrible flirt, but it was easier knowing it was just how Natasha acted with everyone.

“Then there’s the touching.”

Steve’s brow knitted and she laughed.

“Oh God, you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?”

“Please, do explain,” Steve said though, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“You have this thing with touch. You’re about as acutely aware of your surroundings as I am, but you just have this habit of touching. I wasn’t sure if you were fully aware of it or not, but now I know.”

Seeing the confused look still on his face she elaborated.

“You have the tendency to take my hand when you know I’m about to strangle someone or lose my cool. You’ve more than once put your hand on my shoulder just to move past me or get my attention; and then there’s my hair. Or the hugging.”

Steve waved his hands to get her to pause. He was aware of the hand thing and shoulder and hugging he done on purpose, but what’s this about her hair.

“What about your hair?”

Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“You play with it. If we’re sitting down watching a movie and you’ve got your arm on the back of the couch you just pick up a curl and start playing with it. That, I _know_ isn’t intentional. Oh! Especially if I have it in a ponytail.”

Steve frowned, only now realizing that okay yeah, maybe he had a problem.

“Sorry,” Steve cringed and she smiled, holding back a laugh.

“Steve, if I thought it to be that much of a problem I would have cut off your hand already,” Natasha pointed out. She never let anyone do anything without her consent. Ever. If it bothered her, you would know about it.

“Yeah well, you weren’t exactly what I expected either,” Steve said, changing the subject.

“Smooth. But go on.”

Steve thought carefully about his words.

“Well for one, I never took you to be the goofy type who tells terrible dad jokes. Then there’s  your apartment, its clean yes, just beware of the closet or under your bed or the couch or cabinets-”

“Get to the point,” Natasha warned and Steve snickered.

“Or the fact that you have more ice cream than vodka in your freezer. Or, well, that you don’t really drink that much vodka.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him and he smirked.

“You cook as a stress reliever, and then proceed to fatten everyone up with what you make. You prefer sweats over nighties or clothes in general, your underwear doesn’t match or-”

Natasha’s eyes nearly popped out of her head and Steve’s face paled, then became bright red, at the realization of what he’d said. He really needed to think before he spoke.

“Do I need to add pervert to my list?” Natasha said, with a slight tease of her eyebrow. Steve swallowed.

“Well, we are sharing a room, a bathroom, and a closet. You’re also not shy about just ripping your shirt off with door still open,” Natasha had to stifle a laugh at Steve’s now flustered behavior.

“Point. But that still begs the question of what exactly did you expect my undergarments to look like and why were you thinking about what I wear under my clothes?” As if the intense heat on his face couldn’t get worse it did.

“Well I…uh…” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I don’t! It just popped into my mind that I don’t know! I swear!”

“Uh-huh.” Natasha hummed, amused as she tried not so hard to keep the grin off her face.

Steve sighed.                                                        

“I’m never living this down am I?”

Natasha’s grin turned cocky.

“Oh, not even another seventy years in ice could cause me to let you live it down.”

And to think…this wasn’t even the first full week.

* * *

Photo that inspired the beginning of the chapter. Found on Piniterest credit to whoever did the original which was not given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The grabby motion Lexi was using is Baby sign language. My cousin used it for her one year old and it made figuring out what he wanted when I was watching him so much easier!
> 
> Also the office isn't in the city, but the suburbs. Like it's city, then suburbs of the city, then the actual suburbs then Amish country! The buildings aren't as big, height wise, but the complexes and shit surrounding it are and have shuttles from the garage to the building because they have different addresses. It's really weird when I think this much into it.
> 
> Also the Amish bread is to die for! I don't have the recipe though, which is depressing because now I really want some and like Janet said its a pain staking process so I only ever get some when my neighbor makes it. In PA we have the largest population of Amish in the country, so a lot of the Pennsylvania Dutch culture around the state is influenced by them. Especially the food. Also they're not actually Dutch. And have our own dialect. When Germans immigrated to the US, more specifically the Amish, they were mistaken for the Dutch because when asked what their native tongue was the German pronunciation of German sounded like Dutch and so whoever was writing it down put them down as Dutch and since then they've become known as Pennsylvania Dutch so they're not mistaken for the Dutch. Ironic right? I love taking trips over to Lancaster County when I can, the drive is breath taking and it's just something I feel like everyone should do. 
> 
> I also know I normally don't have Natasha being able to cook, but I wanted to with this character because I found it funny when I added the name "Sugar Fairy" Idk it was late. I want to establish something though, while this may take the look of house wife, she's not. Neither was Melissa. Natasha's an active character, who's also a loner. She cooks for herself, cleans her own apartment, does her own laundry, it's just natural for her to do it there too. It's more something that's a blend of independency to domesticity. She can't not stay sitting down for too long. My mom's like that, I leave the house one way and come home a few hours later to find the furniture completely rearranged. I've never seen my mom as a house wife. Yes, she didn't work for a period of time, but that was when I was sick, she couldn't work and be with me at the same time. But she was never a house wife. I really hate that term, I do.
> 
> Okay, my rants over.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE SEE WARNING IN NOTES!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I suck I know.  
> So like first last week I got my charger caught between the couch and the recliner part effectively splitting it. Then because of my computers age they no longer sell the charger in stores and Amazon wouldn't have it to me for at least a week and a half. But my dad knows how important writing to me is and how much I love my stories so he loaned me money to buy a new laptop! I was gonna wait at least another year before i got a new one, but I'm loving this new one!
> 
> Well then shit happened again. I had this all ready to post last night and when I logged on and tried to copy and paste it said no use the short cuts, well i did and the text came up with weird symbols where i put apostrophes dots and the like! SO I called my dad again and he's got no clue either. He's an electrical engineer computers are his thing so i was really scared. Well that leads me to emailing him my document cause he doesn't have the latest windows to see if he can copy and paste it and he could which led to me logging him into my account to test it and long story not so short he almost had to post this update for me. Then i looked at the known problems and it turned out it was actually the browser i was using! So i downloaded Chrome this morning and now you have your new update! This is why i don't buy new tech a lot.
> 
> So seriously if your happy i updated thank my dad because he's the reason I can update today. 
> 
> On to the chapter!
> 
> WARNING: This is a dark chapter. We see more interaction with Steve and the girls and well we learn why Lexi's adamant about Steve. And that includes talk about what happened before the mission and then Natasha's past is brought up again. And so blood and hurt children again. Fair warning. You want to skip that last part it's the last horizontal line. But you may not be able to follow a 100% of next chapter if you do. But if you still don't want to read it, i understand and do have it where it's in Steve's POV that i can send to you or Post so you can read that and it's less graphic, but that way you'll know what's going on. I won't be doing this for all the chapters. I just so happened to be deciding between the two different POV's and wrote both out, but went with Natasha's. If you would like Steve's comment or messege me on Tumblr and I'd be happy to post it for you.
> 
> Okay enough talking because I talk way too much. Enjoy guys!

Nearly two full weeks had come and gone and so far, things had been…well, stressful. For her, the nightmares continued as expected and she could feel herself growing close to the girls. Lexi had pretty much taken to calling her mommy or some variant and it made Natasha want to crawl out of her skin. The part that unnerved her the most however, was that she was getting used to it; responding when Lexi used the title.  

Lexi still hadn’t called Steve any variant of dad yet, and continued to give him a run for his money. Some days were better than others, but most days ended in a staring contest of some sort and the refusal to allow him to do anything with her except brush her hair or feed her. Other than that, the two just were not connecting and it was going to cause a problem. She just knew it would.

Ellie had another visit to the hospital after the halter monitor test. The results were good, but not what they should be. The doctors also decided that since she was still mostly being bottle fed they’d prescribe a supplement to avoid a feeding tube. She was going to start crawling soon and the tube would inhibit her ability to crawl. Natasha was just glad it was one less surgery to worry about.

Speaking of surgeries, that was next on the to do list. The doctors wanted to start her on a heart medication to help thin her blood and lessen the stain on the muscle before they continued with the surgery. “A stable baby makes for a much better outcome” is what they had said. So, a stable baby is what they were now working towards.

The mission in and of itself on the other hand was a different story. Steve had already left for the day saying he’d overheard a conversation about a meeting with privet investors and he’d try and get as much information as he could. She’d given him some bugs to use and prayed he didn’t get caught. This was the first sign he’d noticed of any wrongs going on within the organization making what he did today crucial.

Ellie was a little sluggish that morning, but still ate while Lexi attempted to “help”, read while Lexi tried pawning off the rest of her yogurt to her baby sister. It was cute and before she knew what she was doing Natasha found herself snapping a picture of the scene; Ellie’s face covered in yogurt while Lexi sat in her diaper next to her.

That’s another new development; Lexi’s disinterest in wearing clothing. It was frustrating at times, but since it was early morning and they weren’t going anywhere Natasha had given in. Lexi’s _two_ , they have agendas of their own that they feel no need to correlate with yours and as long as the diaper stayed on Natasha had no qualms about it.

Though that was earlier. Thankfully, after breakfast Lexi let Natasha but a simple pull-over dress on her so she wasn’t running around without clothes on all day. Ellie had just woken up from her nap and they were sitting in the living room when the doorbell rang. Natasha looked up from where she was seated on the floor with Ellie and got up, walking to the door with caution. She peeped out through the window and saw a familiar figure outside the door.

_Janet._

Natasha relaxed her poster before opening the door and smiled as she came face to face with Janet and Kayson. Natasha hadn’t seen either since their talk on Tuesday, but it wasn’t totally unwelcomed.

“Janet, hi, come on in.”

Natasha moved aside to let the other woman in and Lexi came skipping in waving at the two visitors as they walked further into the house.

“So, I was wondering if you guys might like to come with us to the park up the road. It’s a gorgeous day outside and the parks very nice.” _A park-right._

Janet had mentioned something about taking Kayson to one every week when the weather permitted it. It would also allow Lexi to run out the excess energy she seemed to have. Too bad Steve was at Rhino Tech or this would be the perfect time to bug the neighbor’s house and see what they could find.

“That actually sounds like a great idea. Lexi seems to have far too much energy today.”

Janet laughed with a knowing smile and waited for Natasha to gather up some things for the girls before they left. Something out of the corner of Natasha’s eye caught her attention though as she looked out the back doors to see two young men running through the backyard, then two cops with guns drawn. _That can’t be good,_ Natasha thought. But as they disappeared through the tree line she decided that if something did go down than best for the girls not to be here.

“Well that’s odd. God, I swear if it has to do with drugs…” Natasha gave Janet an equally worried smile.

“Well than, best we not be here.”

Janet nodded and Natasha took Lexi’s hand before going outside to get into the car.

The flashing lights and sirens stopped them in their tracts as there was suddenly an influx of state and county cop cars skidding to a stop on the road outside. Men in full tactical gear got out. _Shit! What the hell is going on?_ Natasha tried wracking her brain, but as one of the officers came near them holding his AK-15 tight to his chest Lexi screamed gripping her leg and she went tense ready to fight. Janet looked to her, Kayson in her arms and terror in her eyes.

“Ladies we need you to get back inside now! Lock down the house, close windows and the blinds!” the officer ordered. Natasha knew the procedure, knew it wasn’t good and vaguely wondered if this was Rhino Tech.

“What is going on?” Janet asked, but the officer gave her a stubborn look and, between Lexi’s frightened cries, Natasha turned, tugging on Janet’s arm towards the house.

When they were safely inside, Natasha locked and bolted the door, and Janet went around to the windows doing the same. Her heart racing in her chest as the fear returned.

“Melissa, what’s going on?” Janet asked her instead. _Like she knew?_

“I have no idea, but something tells me whoever those men were running through the yard have everything to do with it. Just stay inside and go to the back of the house.”

Kayson was now in tears and Janet took him into the house. Lexi though…when she met Lexi’s gaze, the girl was far more frightened than she thought. Hyperventilating actually. She took Lexi’s hand and guided her into the living room setting Ellie down in her play pen before lifting Lexi into her arms. She needed to calm her down… _now._

She heard Janet on the phone with whom, she presumed, was Donny. She’d call Steve in a minute, but Lexi’s hysterics were getting worse and Natasha heard her calling someone.

“Da-da!” Natasha froze. Not once since coming here had she asked for Ste-Chris. She looked at Lexi then back in the direction of the officers outside and that’s when it clicked.

_She watched him die._

Natasha took a deep breath, she thought she might be sick. The gear was similar to Shield’s, if she’d seen it…even for an instant there’s no way Lexi wouldn’t remember seeing her father die, only to then suddenly see “him” two days later like nothing had ever happened, like he was perfectly fine.

Natasha tightened her grip on Lexi, trying to calm the girl, but knew in her head that she wouldn’t be fine until she saw Steve. She felt her phone buzzing in her back pocket and fished it out answering it, knowing who was on the other end.

“Are you alright?”

Natasha tensed more at Steve’s worried tone. No, she was not alright _she was pissed!_ Beyond pissed, downright furious.

“No, I am not alright!” Natasha hissed.

“We’ve been put on lock down by the local authorities while they are on a man hunt and Lexi is freaking out. I’ve got no visual and no clue what’s going on!” Natasha kept her voice level, but worried as to not tip off Janet who was back to trying to calm Kayson.

“Okay, Donny and I are on our way, just hang tight. I’ll see what I can figure out.”

Natasha took another deep breath, responding with an “okay” before hanging up. She couldn’t risk looking into it with Janet in the house and she needed to calm Lexi down before she passed out.

* * *

Steve had been in the meeting with the investors when Tiffany came knocking at the door for Donny saying that Janet was on the phone freaking out. They’d just gotten through with introductions and when Tiffany told Donny what was going on, Steve panicked slightly. This was the meeting that would get him into the inner workings of Rhino Tech. He quickly realized after hearing Lexi crying on the other end that he would have to risk it. Besides, Donny had to leave too and Dunhill said he’d fill them both in later looking equal parts concerned and annoyed.

Only problem was that when they got to the neighborhood the streets were completely blocked off and his attempts at figuring out what was going on were proving futile. He’d sent a covert text to Maria asking for information, but had yet to hear anything and no matter what he or Donny told the officers they weren’t letting anyone through.

Another hour and half passed before the officers let up and let them through the barricade. He got the door unlocked, but had to remind himself to calm down before he had to explain how he could tear the door off its hinges to Donny. He was surprised to see Natasha’s relieved expression when they walked inside and Donny bolted to Janet while he walked up to Natasha and fussed. He knew she hated it, but it was for the benefit of the op and he was worried okay? It’s just who he is. What he wasn’t prepared for though was Lexi screaming “da-da” and, quite literally, jumping into his arms and squeezing his neck as she began crying hysterically.

Natasha gave him a look that said “ask later” and “I’m going to murder someone” and decided to just nod slightly while trying to calm Lexi down as she held onto him like a vice. The DiStefano’s didn’t stick around for chit-chat, leaving not two minutes later, allowing him to relax if only for a minute.

“What happened?”

Natasha scrubbed her hands through her hair shaking her head.

“One minute we’re going to the park, the next there are cops everywhere forcing us back inside. Then she’s screaming and god why’d it take you so long?”

Steve was a little thrown off by her tone. It was one of worry and relief. She was shaken yet again and he was starting to wonder if he should ask what’s going on with her.

“They wouldn’t let us through and gave no explanation. I tried contacting Hill, but got nothing.” Natasha got that murderous glint in her eyes again, but he had a feeling this was more of a conversation they should have later after they put the girls to bed.

“God, I need a drink.”

_Yeah you and me both._

* * *

 

The rest of the night was spent trying to reassure Lexi that everything was alright but she refused to leave his side. She hadn’t been this clingy with Natasha, even that first time, and it was starting to worry him to a whole new level. when bed time came, so did the tears.

“Come on baby girl, you gotta get some rest.” Steve tried yet again, but Lexi was hearing none of it.

“No!” She was still shaking, even now, hours after the whole ordeal. She was scared, no she was deathly afraid of him leaving her sight. So, he did the one thing he knew would work.

“Okay, okay, how about I tell you a story?” She seemed to perk up a little at that and he reached over to the table beside the bed for the storybook she had.

It was an old classic _Goodnight Moon_. After reading her the story, the one with the fork and the spoon, it seemed to calm her down just enough to let him leave, but he kept the door open just in case. He hadn’t noticed Natasha standing in the doorway watching until he was tucking Lexi into bed. He wordlessly followed her downstairs to the living room where they both collapsed on the couch.

“Well that was…” Steve started as he scrubbed a hand over his face.

“Yeah…”

They both sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity before Steve finally spoke up.

“What happened Nat?” Steve tried again and the fire was back in her eyes.

“She saw the officers in their tactical gear and panicked.” She took a deep breath, centering herself. “She saw him die Steve…the fear in her eyes and the way she is with you…”

Steve’s jaw tightened with the revelation and it made him angry.

“Are you sure?” He gritted out and Natasha nodded.

“What was Fury thinking? She watched her father die because clearly, he was protecting his daughters and now we have to lie about their parents not being dead giving her false hope? Is he fuckin serious?” Steve growled pushing off the couch to pace.

Natasha steadied herself not having anticipated the slight jolt from the power or his use of language. Mixed together, that told her just how angry he was.

“Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.”

Steve stopped pacing taking a breath.

“This is going to be one of those missions where we aren’t going to be able to breathe for the foreseeable future isn’t it?” Natasha laughed.

“You’re just realizing that now?” Natasha said sarcastically. She was tired and angry herself.

“We’ll just have to go with the flow of it all. It’s Friday night, let’s just get through the weekend and see how this goes.”

A few moments passed before Steve said,

“You were right.”

Natasha looked up at him from where she sat on the couch.

“About?”

Steve turned his head towards her.

“This case. We should have left well enough alone.” Steve sighed returning to his original position on the couch. Natasha scooted closer to him, putting her hand on his arm.

“Look at me,” she ordered. He lifted his head enough for her to see his eyes.

“You and I both know that regardless of whether we agreed to this mission or not, Fury was going to get us to agree.”

Steve shook his head.

“We should have tried harder to find another way.”

Natasha sighed, moving to sit next to him.

“I know, but it’s too late to look at what ifs. We’re here now and we have to do what needs to be done.”

Moments passed, a silence setting in when Steve spoke next.

“What are we gonna do when this is over?” Natasha let out a long sigh. That was a damn good question. One she didn’t have an answer to.

“We’re going back to Shield and the girls…they’ll get placed into a home.” Steve shook his head.

“That’s not what I meant. What are we supposed to say? Just wait for them to fall asleep then walk away and not look back.”

“Yes.”

Steve looked at her in disapproval.

“They’re not stray cats you can just take-home Steve. It’ll be hard, but by the time they’re old enough to know everything, they won’t remember us.” Natasha tried to reassure him, but Steve wasn’t assured.

“I hope your right, otherwise we just made things a hell of a lot worse.”

Natasha schooled her features.

“I am,” Natasha stated firmly, though she was far from sure. Steve looked like he had something else to say, but was holding back for the sake of not starting an argument. “What?”

“Nothing.”

Steve got up and started picking up Lexi’s discarded toys.

“You’re pissed.” Steve sighed heavily turning around.

“Yeah Nat I’m pissed.”

“You signed up for this you know.” Natasha retorted.

“No, you did! I backed down after you explained your reasons, then next thing I know you’re telling Fury we’ll do it!” Natasha stood up stepping closer to him.

“Keep your voice down, Rogers or you’ll wake the girls.” Natasha reminded lowly. “And while we’re at it Fury asked you if you agreed and you said yes.”

“Because you’d give me another choice?”

Natasha’s eyes flashed.

“Believe it or not Rogers I would have.”

Steve shook his head pointing at her.

“You know you could have said no too, told Fury he was wrong.”

Natasha scoffed.

“No one tells Fury what he doesn’t want to hear.”

Steve huffed a laugh.

“For someone who thrives on having control over her life, you sure as hell don’t practice it.” Natasha stiffened, Steve’s words hitting hard.

“I have plenty of control,” Natasha stated tightly daring him to push further.

“If you had control over this, we wouldn’t be here. You practically said it yourself. You don’t want to be here Nat so why did you let Fury drag you into this?”

Steve glared hard right back at her and he was going to let up. He wasn’t done, far from done and he was going to get an answer.

“I may not want to, but it was what was best for the mission. When it comes to our jobs our opinions don’t matter. You should know this by now Rogers. We do what’s best, not what’s best for us, and that’s final. You wanna complain fine, but don’t complain to me.”

With that said, Natasha turned away from him and up the stairs ending the argument. For then at least.

* * *

Natasha woke up to the sound of Ellie’s hushed cries floating into the room through the open bedroom door. She propped herself up on her elbows looking over to Steve’s side of the bed to find Lexi curled up on his pillow sound asleep, Steve, presumably with Ellie. He’d come upstairs an hour after their argument, changing and saying nothing before slipping into the bed. She could practically feel the anger radiating off his body. She sighed, gently pushed aside the covers as she slipped out of bed and padded down the hall.

“Steve, she okay?” Natasha asked, worried something was wrong with the young girl. Steve was standing in front of Ellie’s crib and something seemed… _off._

“Steve?” Natasha tried again, this time walking towards him and touching his shoulder. He turned to face her and she gasped, stumbling back. Steve’s torso was covered in red, blood dripping onto the carpet from the crib.

“You couldn’t have just left well enough alone could you?” Steve nearly growled and her eyes widened in fear.

“I-I didn’t…” She tried as Steve took a step towards her and she stumbled back.

“You didn’t what? You didn’t mean to? They’re dead because of you!”

“No! I didn’t mean to! She wasn’t meant to get hurt!”

“Mama!” Natasha’s head whipped to the side to find Lexi standing in a pool of blood at the end of the hall, clutching her teddy bear.

“No…” _No! This wasn’t happening!_

“Is anyone safe with you?”

Natasha slowly turned around finding Irina’s dead eyes stabbing into her soul.

“Why are you doing this?” Natasha cried out.

Irina’s lips curved into a devil’s grin.

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s best they learn the hard way.”

Natasha shook her head. _No…this wasn’t happening._

“No!”

“Yes!”

Natasha looked back to Steve, Lexi now clutching his pant leg, his eyes full of a fiery rage.

“I should have never let you drag me into this,” He growled, his voice low and strained by anger.

“I’m sorry!”

“Sorry isn’t good enough! Natasha!” He grabbed for her and she screamed.

The room spun as she felt the floor give from underneath her feet, her body tumbling down,

Down,

_Down…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again if you want the less graphic portion in Steve's POV let me know. I'd be happy to! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could say I'm sorry, but I feel like I say it too much, but I am.  
> But I'm back, my month was a shit storm, but it's all good now. I'm all good now.  
> Here's your update. Uh, warnings, none really other than just repercussions of falling? Aftermath of a night terror.
> 
> Oh I used a reference from a Marvel TV. Well a thing anyways, that doesn't have a name that I remember. so happy hunting.

Natasha inhaled deeply as she came too, the now comfortable feeling of strong arms wrapped around her lithe frame enveloping her being. She hummed, butterfly kisses being left on her shoulder traveling up to her neck. She smiled, turning in the embrace and coming face to face with the calming steel-blue sea she loved, but hadn’t expected.

“Nikola?” Nikola smiled cupping her cheek and she felt her racing heart calm.

“Morning, Nata.” He leaned in closing the gap and she sucked in a breath as he pressed his lips to hers in a kiss she hadn’t tasted in so long. When they separated she knew something was off. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t him…not after what she’d done to him.

“Niki, what are you…” He brushed his thumb over her cheek his signature soft warm smile on his face.

“You have to wake up Nata.” Natasha’s brow furrowed.

“Wake up? What are you talking about?”

“Natasha, please, wake up.” His voice was changing from the soft light comforting chords she knew to a deeper more baritone, like someone else was coming through.

“Niki…”

Natasha gasped, the last few syllables on the tip of her tongue. She blinked once, twice, three times before her vision blurred together forming shapes then finally focusing. Steve was bent over her with fear in his eyes. She felt a surge of bile shoot up her throat before she could control it quickly turning on her side.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Steve wrapped his arm around her front; his hand supporting her neck and keeping her from falling forward as her stomach churned.

“Nat, hey you gotta calm down.” Steve told her in a hushed voice. She gasped again, this one mixed with broken sob as he started rubbing her back. “Nat, please, follow my count. I want to hear you repeat it okay. 6, 7, 10, 5…”

“…4, 8, 2, 3.” Natasha croaked out as she followed along with Steve’s count.

Her breathing evened out as Steve helped her back down, keeping his hand where it was cradled at the back of her neck.

“Shh, I got you, I got you,” Steve said brushing her hair back.

When she looked around again she noticed she wasn’t in bed anymore. Instead she was laying on the floor of their house-or well The Hasting’s house. Why was she on the floor? Why was she in so much pain? Why was Steve trying not to cry? _Why was she crying?_

“What…what happened?” Her voice came out hoarse and broken and Steve hung his head taking a deep breath.

“I was gonna ask you that.” His voice broke in the middle and he cleared his throat.

“I got up to take care of Ellie and next thing I know your behind me then freaking out about something and then when I tried to get you to calm down you wouldn’t let me near you and I didn’t see the stairs until…God Nat I thought you were dead.” His voice was tight at the end as tried desperately to hold it together.

Natasha tried wracking her brain but everything hurt. The last thing she could remember was going to bed.

“I…I don’t remember…” That made her panic more, realizing she’d gotten hurt and made Steve cry. Steve rarely showed emotions like this, he was always so even keeled. “I’m sorry.”

Steve shook his head.

“Please don’t say that. I can’t do that again.”

Natasha winced as her brow furrowed in confusion and tried to sit up, but Steve stopped her.

“No, you gotta tell me where your hurt, and don’t tell me you’re not because I know you are.”

Natasha started head to toe, she knew she had a conclusion and at least a head contusion, she could feel everything from the chest up and considering how long she’d been awake and had already moved, her neck wasn’t broken. Her arms were sore, telling her she’d tucked herself and her back and probably took the brunt of the fall. She had some bruised ribs, maybe one cracked and she landed on a hip. Legs felt fine for the most part and she could move everything, but her left ankle hurt like a bitch. Reinjuring it was going to set her back.

“Nothing fully broken. Just bruised I think.” Steve looked a little relieved to hear that as he moved his arm under her shoulders and the other under her knees lifting her into his arms.

She hissed in pain and he stopped, but she shook her head wordlessly telling him she was fine. As he walked up stairs she rested her head on his shoulder feeling how tense he was. He was scared and it was because of her. It hit her then, she couldn’t remember, but her adrenaline was just wearing off and the enormity of the situation came crashing down on her like a ton of bricks.

Lexi was standing at the top of the stairs looking small and scared as Steve reassured her that “Mommy’s fine, go back to your room.” Lexi did as she was told, but hesitated and went to Ellie’s room instead. Steve set her down on the bed and hesitated to look her over before looking back out into the hall.

“You good if I leave you here for a few minutes. I gotta go take care of the rug before it seeps to the floor and make sure Lexi’s okay.” Steve asked her once she was seated on the ottoman. She nodded and he looked her over once more with worried eyes before leaving the room.

_God how could she let this happen?_

She closed her eyes and bits of her dream flashed through her mind making her dizzy. She gasped clutching her head, the tears returning. She hasn’t thought about Nikki in years, not since the day Alexi died, since Irina…she covered her mouth thinking she might be sick again. She thought Steve was…no, no that’s not right, but God it was like being back there again.

She felt someone standing in front of her trying to pull her hands away from her face. She knew the grip wasn’t threatening, but she didn’t trust herself right then to not see her nightmare again.

“Nat, it’s okay. I promise, it’s okay. Please open your eyes.” Steve pulled her hands away from her face and brushed her hair behind her ear.

“Is she…” Natasha started afraid to utter the words.

“She’s asleep in Ellie’s room. Come on let’s get you cleaned up. Can you stand?”

Natasha nodded as little as possible, as to not jostle her head and Steve helped her from the bed. Holding her steady as she swayed, her mind still clouded unable to process anything more than moving one foot then the next. He guided her into the bathroom and over to the tub, turning the faucet on before helping her out of her clothes. She winced as he lifted her shirt over her head and leaned on his shoulders as he helped her step out of her sweats. Had she had the energy she’d be teasing him relentlessly about skipping the bases, but all she wanted to do was collapse onto the floor.

Steve tested the water before shutting it off and helped her into the shallow water. It was a little on the colder side, meant to keep her from slipping unconscious and she shivered a little. She allowed him to wash her body down with a simple wash cloth, before pouring a little water over her hair to rinse out the vomit she knew was stuck to it. He was very methodical, his movements calculated and precise. She barely felt any pain as he cleaned the blood from around her head wound and massaged shampoo through her hair.

He helped her out of the tub, toweling her off and guiding her over to the counter. He made sure she was steady before leaving her to go out to the bedroom. She chanced a look over her shoulder to the mirror and cringed as she let the towel slide down her back. She looked awful, the bath having caused the bruising to bloom over her back and down her arms. Her eyes were sunken in and she had a nice lesion on her forehead. She’d gotten herself pretty good.

She heard Steve come back in and quickly pulled the towel back up, suddenly shy. He had the emergency medical kit they brought with them from Shield and a pair of her panties. _Always ever the thoughtful one._

“Here,” He helped her step into them letting her use him as a support beam before helping her sit on the counter.

Steve sifted through the boxes contents laying things out as he came across them. She wasn’t sure why, but she tightened the towel around her body as she waited for him to find everything. She’d never felt so completely _bare_ , and every furtive glance he took felt like he was seeing everything and she felt sick.

“Here, these should help with the cracked rib and any others you might have sustained.” He handed her the pills and a bottle of water for her to take. She swallowed the pills and he took the opportunity to quickly stab the emergency pen they had for clotting blood. She scowled at him and he just shrugged.

“What? Would you have preferred I gave it to you when you saw it coming?” She deepened her scowl and he sighed, tossing the pen away.

“I’m concerned with the amount of bruising on your back and chest. We honestly should be at a hospital right now, but I couldn’t think of a good way to explain how my pretend wife fell down the stairs while dreaming. Cops would be called and while there’s no evidence they’d still be asking questions and with your memory loss they’d want to run tests and then probably do a sleep study along with a psych eval until they had the full answer. So, sorry, but surprise is what you’re going to get.”

Natasha blinked looking away. She hadn’t meant it like that and she heard him exhale, defeat in his gesture.

“I’m sorry, I just…” another long sigh and he was standing in front of her now.

He cupped her cheeks lifting her head some so she would meet his gaze. When she met his gaze, she could see the cracks like splinters on fine china, warn away after years of use. In a lot of ways, it was like she was looking in a mirror.

“I’m fine, Steve.” Natasha said praying in vain he’d believe her.

His eyes were full of unshed tears and that only made her feel worse. This wasn’t his fault, nor was it his bourdon to bare. After a few moments, he nodded continuing, and saying nothing more. Her head wound thankfully didn’t need stitches, just a few stirie strips and he wrapped her ankle applying a salve to the bruises.

He left her a few moments coming back with a light red flannel button up for her to wear that wouldn’t require her to lift her arms above her head. He helped her slip it on and as he started on the buttons, she noticed he was back in Captain mode, face expressionless and movements calculated. She knew she had to tell him something, but the truth hurt too much.

“Come on, you should rest. That sedative I gave you should be kicking in soon.”

Natasha frowned.

“What sedative?”

“What? You thought all three of those pills were for your bones? I’m not stupid.”

Natasha gritted her teeth. He was sneaky at times she’d give him that and she did feel more relaxed. _Damn it!_ He was going to pay for that. He helped her off the counter and kept his arm out to steady her as they walked back out to their bedroom. Sliding back into bed she started feeling the effects of whatever horse tranquilizer he gave her and her fear from earlier returned. He made sure she was settled and when he turned away from her, she grabbed his wrist stopping him.

“Stay…” her voice was meek and small almost inaudible to her own ears.

He looked so torn between her and wanting to bolt. It was a war she’d never seen him so caught up in before and she realized that he might not actually want to stay with her. Why would he? She let go of his wrist, laying back down so she was turned away from him. She felt the bed dip as he slid in beside her and she never thought she’d ever feel so relieved to have someone wrap themselves around her as she did right then. Or find the feeling of his face pressed to the crook of her neck so grounding. Or that the soothing words he whispered into her skin would be so calming.

She let those things envelop her as she drifted back to sleep somehow knowing she’d be safe from her own mind.

* * *

Steve didn’t sleep the rest of the night. He’s had his fair share of nightmares waking up to destroyed pillows and torn apart sheets, but last night was something else entirely. It was like Natasha was seeing him, but she wasn’t there with him. Not in the same place. Night terrors, if he remembers correctly.

The SHIELD shrinks had diagnosed him with it early on after waking up, but had told him they were surprised he didn’t have those worse because of his enhanced senses. Steve on the other hand couldn’t imagine them being worse than what they already were and after seeing Natasha caught within the throes of one last night…

He relives Bucky’s fall, the war, the invasion every night, but having someone next to him has somehow tapped his habit of waking up with a sweat easier, less violent. Tamped down or not, it’s still just as painful. He wondered though, what it was that could make Natasha freak out like she had. What was scarring her so much she had no control over her dreams and reality?

She could have died, hell he thought she had. Watching her, the entirety of her façade in pieces consumed by so much fear it was scaring. When she fell…Steve wrapped his arms tighter around her lithe body mindful of her injuries as he listened for the sound of her breathing and heartbeat.

_In out, thump-thump._

Seeing her slip from his grasp was almost too much, that was until he remembered where he was, where _they_ were. She was his partner, his friend, and therefore, it was his job to watch her back. Which meant he needed to find a way out of this and soon. He was partly dosing when he felt her heart rate pick back up and her body jerk slightly.

“Shh, it’s just a dream Nat, I got you.” She calmed once again and he sighed into her shoulder.

He may have given her a stronger pain killer than he led on so she’d sleep, and while he felt a little bad, he knew she needed it. It’d be a while before she woke again, but he just prayed she didn’t kill him when she woke up. He looked over her shoulder seeing it was quarter to seven already and heard their door open softly, finding Lexi hesitantly peeking her eyes around the corner. Looking back down at Natasha he pressed a kiss to her temple before getting up and going over to Lexi.

“Hey sweetheart,” he lifted the girl into his arms and she laid her head on his shoulder.

“You wanna help me make breakfast?” Lexi nodded a little and he kissed her head leaving the door open a crack before heading to check on Ellie.

* * *

_Later that day…_

Steve was sitting on the bed next to Natasha’s sleeping form, both girls down for the night as he reviewed the recording of yesterday’s meeting. He’d managed to slip the bug Natasha had given him that morning into the meeting and left it there when he left. So far all he’d gotten was Mr. Dunhill and Robert Denning debating about working together. Denning wanted Rhino Tech to build some type of optical storage device. Something very hush hush that he wasn’t disclosing, but Dunhill seemed to know what Denning was talking about.

Rhino Tech’s done tech like this before, but for some reason Dunhill wasn’t buying. In the end Dunhill said he’d think about it, but they had other projects they had to work on first. Overall, it seemed like a normal business meeting to Steve, but he knew better than to think that. There was something else going on, there had to be.

He opened up Shield’s database and did a search on Denning and his company Serpentine. Results came up on the background and history of the company, telling him Serpentine and Rhino Tech have been around for about the same time. That, like Rhino Tech, Serpentine has nothing to go on them, but was suspicious enough that Steve isn’t the only one to have searched it in the database. Like Dunhill, Denning came up clean. Denning and Dunhill we’re oddly enough the same age though, but still only just forty meaning neither man was with the company at the begging.

That gave him another idea. Steve looked into the history to find the men-or in Serpentines case woman who _were_ around at the beginning. Joseph Ringer and Mia Callusy, both the founding CEO’s of the organizations, both fairly clean as far as Shield is concerned. Sure, Ringer was suspected of tax fraud in 1992, but other than that clean. It was a little (a lot) irritating.

One thing Steve did find interesting was that Rhino Tech began expanding after Ringer was on his way out after a short stint as CEO in 1994. That’s when the company got a new guy, Eric Granger, who only lasted ten years before retiring and another took over. But during his time, he expanded the company into telecommunications and made it what it is today.

Steve sighed, closing the server, deciding that it would be best to take a break and let his brain recharge before he over thought things. He picked up his sketch book from where it was laying on his side table and flipped it open to a clean page. A clear mind when solving puzzles is always best, or even better, moving onto a new puzzle-or well an old one, actually. _The Hastings._

What’s their story? He knew from what Natasha had figured out from reading Melissa’s journals, that both Melissa and Chris met through work and apparently fell head over heels for each other. Other than that, it was what one could expect. Odd jobs, raising a couple of kids while constantly on the move. There wasn’t anything more to find he supposed. They made a bad call and they paid the price. A sad, horrid price that their children must also pay, but a price no less. As far as whether or not their jobs at Rhino Tech were forced or not on the other hand, was still a mystery.

They had nothing to go on, hell even as he’d perused what Shield had on Rhino Tech it was very little. He was starting to wonder if there was even a mission to be had. But he knew Fury wouldn’t waist his two best agents on nothing. While Steve didn’t always trust the man to tell the truth or not lie to him, he could trust that Fury never waisted anything on just a hunch. After all Natasha had said this might turn out to be more intelligence gathering than anything. No take down ending, just getting what they could find and making a clean exit.

After all, sometimes you can’t solve a mystery in one go, but several. All necessary to the plot, building blocks for a sturdy foundation so in the end the walls wouldn’t come crashing down. Then there were of course the mysteries that are never solved for one reason or another, that in the end amounted to nothing and went nowhere. He had a good feeling the Hastings past was most likely to end like such and maybe that was for the best.

So, it was to be the other puzzle at hand then. _Natasha._ Steve let out a heavy sigh, scrubbing his face with his hands. He’d been avoiding thinking about that since the girls woke up, but now that he was alone and with nothing else needing his immediate attention she was all he could focus on.

The fear in her eyes, clear as day. How small she looked as she asked him to stay with her. He wasn’t sure whether to be offended by the notion that he was going to leave her like that or whether he ought to wonder why he felt so angry at her still. Because yes, he was angry at her, even though he knew he shouldn’t be. It took everything he had not to start sobbing when she opened her eyes or when she told him she was sorry or the entire night for that matter.

Then when she didn’t tease him about helping her out of her clothes are going through her underwear drawer he knew she really was hurt. Sure, he’d seen her without her top on, helped her stich up before, but even then, she’d still managed to crack a joke at him. Last night she just watched him with vacant eyes. That scared him more than any threat she could throw at him.

One thing that did stick out in his mind, however, was the name she’d said as she came to. _Nikolai._ He’d never heard her mention the man before or any man in her life for that matter. So, the question was _who is this Nikolai and what does he have to do with Natasha’s recent_ _?_

He thought about maybe doing a quick search, but quickly decided against it, knowing that would only do more harm than good. He was just going to have to let her tell him on her own then. Sadly, he knew that would only grow to cause more problems. Maybe it was a little bit of his pessimistic side coming out, but it would. Secrets had a way of doing that to people and Natasha was no exception.

He brought his hand to a pause looking over the beginning sketch of the familiar green eyes of the woman lying next to him. She hadn’t moved much in the last hours, only waking when he forced her too to make sure she wasn’t going comatose. Even then, it was only long enough for him to give her another dose of pain killers and bone meds before she fell back asleep.

“Daddy…”

Steve nearly jumped as he looked to find Lexi standing at the end of the bed with Tilly in hand. She rubbed her eyes sleepily and he set his sketch book aside.

“Come here,” She climbed up on the bed and he picked her up settling her in his lap.

She’d been asking about Nat all day, even refusing to step one foot outside like she always asked to. So, they’d spent the only nice day of the week inside watching movies, he found out her favorite was Tangled, she even had a little stuffed Pascal. Played hide and seek, colored, anything to keep her mind off the night before.

“Mommy okay?” Lexi asked looking up at him with concern. For two she seemed to grasp onto things easily. Her understanding was more…advanced. At least to him. What did he know? Still she didn’t talk much, maybe she was just determined.

He ran his fingers through her tousled hair and nodded.

“Yeah, she’s okay. Just sleepy.”

Lexi looked from him to Natasha a little unsure before slipping from his lap and carefully crawling over to Natasha. She gave her a kiss on the head saying “night-night” before tucking Tilly in with her and looking back to him expectantly. He gave her a small smile picking her up and taking her back to her room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a shit ton I wanted to say concerning night terrors, but I think you guys got it. They vary in degree and most of the time you won't remember it, but sometimes you do. Or you just kinda know what it was about. But often times a person won't know when they're having one and since it takes place in rem sleep you often don't realize your dreaming and it takes a while after waking to realize your awake.  
> That's it. I don't really remember everything I was gonna say last month, but yup, that's it. I get them sometimes, not as often as when i was little and mine are not nearly as bad. Like I don't leave my bed, but it takes me a while to realize I've woken and it stays with me. It's a very haunting experience that I hope I was able to convey through this.
> 
> Also, while I've had a concision, so I was able to covey it a little better, I obviously added to the severity since I only slipped. Hence why she's very out of it. Most people are after sustaining head injuries.
> 
> Anyway that's all for now! Let me know what you guys thought!


	10. Chapter 10

 

 _God, she felt like she got hit by the BUS_ _._

Natasha groaned, gasping as pain shot through her body. She took a few deep breaths getting her baring’s. She felt groggy like she’d been drugged. _Steve._ Clever little shit, she’ll give him that. Memories of last night came back and her face flushed as a rush of emotions slammed into her. She slowly propped herself up, leaning her sluggish body against the headboard looking around. She closed her eyes again taking a shaky breath, _in through your nose, out through your mouth_ She reminded herself.

She lifted her arms to rub her eyes and a shot of pain went through her neck and she hissed. _Whiplash. Fantastic._ Add that to the list of injuries she now has. She looked to the bedroom door to find it cracked open and gently pushed the covers aside and slipped from the bed. Hissing in pain as she remembered her ankle and now her ass. _Her talent for hitting everything on the way down was outstanding._

She made her way to the door on wobbly feet pulling it open and found it was dark out, but not pitch black. Early morning, she decided. Her mind flashed back to that night and she tentatively took a step closer to the stairs that were now gated off by a baby gate. She heard clinking coming from downstairs and headed towards the back staircase. She halted in her steps, taking a moment to analyze the scene in case she wasn’t awake again. But this felt different. She was _aware_ there was a chance she was dreaming. If she _were_ dreaming she wouldn’t be aware of the possibility.

With that in mind she took a deep breath and headed towards the back stairs leading into the kitchen. She got the gate open and gently made her way down the stairs, gripping the railing a little tighter than necessary. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, her breath caught in her throat as she saw Steve standing at the sink, his back to her. His shoulders were taunt and she didn’t have to look at him to see he was exhausted. She vaguely remembers him coming in and out of the room yesterday to check up on her and wondered if he’d slept at all since.

Before she really registered what she was doing, she was wrapping her arms around him from behind and burying her face into the smooth flesh between his shoulder blades. She felt his body tense as he clearly hadn’t heard her come into the kitchen, but he relaxed when he realized it was her. She wasn’t entirely sure why she’d decided to do this, but it was something tangible. Warm flesh that was alive and real, that she could feel with her bare hands. Something no dream could fabricate.

She wasn’t always like this, went years without human contact, but she’ll never forget her first genuine contact. It terrified her at first, but it was nice all the same. After nights like the one she’d just had, she’d usually spend a few days at Clint’s, knowing that someone would keep her from herself. It was something she hadn’t needed in years. And fine, she liked being touched sometimes, but only by a select few she could count on one hand and only to a certain degree.

She figured since he’d hugged her that first week he wouldn’t mind now.

“I feel like I got hit by the BUS,” Natasha finally grumbled into his back. Steve chuckled a little, it was a little forced, not light like it usually was.

“You mean _a_ bus?” Steve corrected and Natasha frowned.

“A bus would hurt less.”

It was Steve’s turn to frown.

“But you just said…I think you hit your head a little harder than I thought,” Steve said turning so he was facing her, but she kept her face buried in his chest as he leaned back against the counter wrapping her up in his arms.

“I know what I said, Rogers,” she leaned her chin on his chest to look up at him and winced as her neck pulled and strained. She saw him frown as he lifted his left hand up to brush her hair away from her face and inspect her stiches.

“What hurts?” Steve asked, meeting her eyes. She sighed knowing there was no use in arguing.

“My neck, but it’s just whiplash. Some heat and ice treatment should ease the pain.”

He nodded, his hand still tucked behind her ear checking for swelling and she took the time to inspect his appearance. He did in fact, look exhausted. Bags under his eyes, red from a combination of lack of sleep and trying not to cry and the fact that he actually looked comfortable in his sweats sans shirt (and she was almost positive underwear considering how low the sweats were riding) told her he was tired enough not to care.

It also made her very aware of how much bigger he was compared to her. His waist was small don’t get her wrong, but he was nearly a whole foot taller and had shoulders that Thor would be proud to have. Hell, she was swimming in the shirt he’d given her to wear, the sleeves covering her hands like gloves (how she preferred her sleeves, actually). But at the same time, she sensed he was shrinking in on himself. He looked so small compared to how he normally held himself and it worried her.

She vaguely registered that he’d asked her something moments later and that she was staring at him openly.

Natasha blinked,

“What?”

Steve looked like he wanted to laugh, cry and frown at her.

“That’s what I asked,” Steve said, brow furrowed.

Natasha frowned now. Had she said something?

“Why?”

“Because you just asked me if I was wearing underwear…okay, maybe I gave you too much of that muscle relaxer last night, because it seems to have made you loose lipped.”

Natasha scowled.

“There’s nothing loose about these lips,” Natasha teased, a smirk playing at said lips.

“Oh, I know.”

It was out before he could catch himself and the immediate smirk that had appeared was gone in an instant as realization dawned on him. He pulled his lips into a tight line closing his eyes and sighing. She leaned in closely, lightly pressing her hips to his as she whispered in his ear,

“Trust me Rogers, you have no idea how _tight_ my lips are.”

Steve’s eyes snapped open and he inhaled quickly as he caught on. Her breath caught slightly as his reaction became evident enough and she smirked.

“Well I still have it. Was afraid I’d been throwing the wrong gender your way,”

Steve frowned.

“No, and why would you…” He trailed off not sure he wanted to bury himself deeper.

“You saw me naked Rogers. Not a stich and you were the one who did the stripping and nothing. Not a single reaction.”

That only served to deepen Steve’s frown.

“Excuse me for not reacting appropriately to seeing my friend stripped bare in front of me after I spent twenty minutes not knowing if you’d ever open your eyes again.”

All playful banter disappeared as Steve’s stern tone filled the room. Natasha backed away taking her arms back and wrapping them around herself.

“Steve-”

He waved her off.

“No, Natasha. Why in the hell would you even joke about that?”

She looked down at her feet and shrugged as best she could.

It hadn’t been a joke really. He’d been so serious about getting her fixed up not even taking a minute to stare or bumble his words as he tried looking elsewhere and just kept watch so she could do it herself.

“I wasn’t really. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it.”

Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Nat, I’m not offended, but I’m hurt that you would think I would look at you like that, take advantage of you like that…” She glanced up at him from under her lashes, not sure she could look at him. The look on his face wasn’t telling. A bit contemplative, but not telling.

“Nat, you know men aren’t supposed to look at you like that when your hurt right?”

Her head snapped up at that and she held back her wince. His face was serious and she was suddenly very aware of her lack in dress.

“Doesn’t mean they still won’t look,” She responded bitterly.

“No, you’re right, but you shouldn’t expect to see it.”

Natasha scoffed.

“What do you know? Your different, congratulations, but news flash, it’s not the norm.”

“If the norm is taking advantage of someone who can’t help themselves than I’d rather not be a part of it.”

“Well good for you, but not everyone has that choice,” Natasha bit out. “But I can’t focus on the minority. I go by what I know, what’s fact.”

Steve looked like she’d physically thrown a rock at him.

“Is that what Nikolai did?”

Natasha froze. His words hitting her like he’d stabbed her in the chest.

“Where did you hear that name?” She bit out, her anger bubbling to the surface.

“Does it matter?”

“Don’t you dare say that name again, do you understand?” Natasha was in his face now, voice low in warning. A fire in her eyes that burned with fury, but he didn’t back down.

“I’m not going to sit here and let you bully me into what you want. I’m done. This ends today. The mission, everything,” Steve said lowly, pushing her aside so he was no longer cornered.

“You can’t do that.”

“Watch me,” Steve challenged.

“You have no right-”

Steve spun back around so suddenly cutting her off. She backed up keeping her distance and silently scolding herself for having backed herself into a corner.

“I have every right! Are you so blinded by your pride that you can’t see what this is doing to you? I’m not going to stand by while you jeopardize the mission because your too goddamn stubborn to realize when you have a problem!”

 “Yet you’re going to jeopardize it anyways! What happens under this roof stays under this roof.”

He laughed at her. _He actually laughed._

“Really? So, I suppose you have a story made up for how you hurt yourself? Because considering how much Janet comes over, it won’t be long before she comes knocking again and as good of an actress as you are, you can’t hide those bruises. No matter what you tell her, busybodies will be nosey and before long she’ll start asking questions that you can’t answer and then were both screwed. So, I’d think again before you speak.”

Natasha looked away from him. She’d never heard him use that tone of voice; _ever,_ demeaning like he was scolding a child.

“I hadn’t thought about that…” Natasha admitted, voice small.

“No, you didn’t. Do you understand what _I’m_ talking about Natasha? I know what abandoning this mission means, but I also know when it’s necessary for the mission to survive. We have nothing on Rhino Tech. That meeting was just another business meeting. Nothing on the company or its employees. No reason to suspect them. This mission wasn’t going to end in a takedown anyways and I honestly don’t see the point anymore. We pull out now, it’ll be easier.”

“We can’t do that. We still don’t know why the Hastings were hired in the first place,” Natasha shot back.

Steve shrugged.

“Who’s to say we were ever going to find that out to begin with? It’s over Nat. When we get back to Shield I’m putting in a request for a transfer.”

Natasha looked back at him. The finality in his gaze was clear as day. He’d been thinking about this for a while, she could tell. He didn’t trust her. Her heart panged with that realization and it hurt more than she knew it logically should.

“You’re ending this because I won’t tell you anything?” She asked, though she already knew the answer.

“I’m ending this because I won’t sit here and watch you slowly kill yourself. You don’t trust me Natasha, so how the hell do you expect me to trust you?”

“I do trust you!” Natasha shot back.

“If you don’t know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t try and fuck you when you’re at your most vulnerable, then no Natasha, you don’t!”

The air stilled, the only sound being Steve’s heavy breathing. He never used that kind of language, _ever._ Not in that tone, not at her, and it shouldn’t be what makes her break. It shouldn’t be that easy, but she feels like everything is crashing down. She didn’t know why she wasn’t telling him. He didn’t trust her, so why would he believe her? She licked her lips meeting his gaze, she shook her head.

“You’re right. I don’t. And this only proves it. I don’t have to tell you anything. Go, leave, I don’t want to be partners with someone who has no respect for me or my decisions. You want out, there’s the door.”

Natasha kept her tone even as she told him off, pointing to the door before shoving past him to the stairs, and into their room. She inhaled sharply grabbing her side, reaching for the edge of the dresser for an anchor as her ankle gave out. Her grip slipping, causing her to fall to the floor taking whatever was on the dresser with her.

Natasha sucked in a shuddering breath as she braced her arm on the floor, but it slipped, the sound of a piece of paper tearing catching her attention. She brushed back her curtain of hair looking at the torn page in her hands and recognized the book. _Steve’s sketch book._ That was now in a puddle of water from the glass left on the dresser.

“No, no, no…”

She quickly collected the book, it’s pages sopping wet, ink and graphite blurring together. She pushed herself off the floor taking the book to the bathroom, cursing under her breath as she franticly tried to salvage the pages. The ink from the page she’d torn now transferred to her hand. She grabbed the blow dryer putting it on low as she tried drying the pages, the ink only smearing more. More pages tearing as she tried to separate them. Ink and graphite smearing on her hands.

_“You couldn’t have just left well enough alone could you?”_

Natasha turned off the hair dryer covering her eyes as Steve’s-no not _Steve_ -words rang in her ears. Tears streaming down her face. She unclenched her fist the page still clutched tightly in her grasp. She saw Steve’s familiar scrawl on the corner she’d torn and gently turned the pages finding the other half and fitting them together. The ink he’d used now smeared giving the set of eyes a sense of dread. Her eyes. A delict drawing of a girl with a crown being engulfed in flames illustrated in the pupil. He’d written something at the bottom, but it was no longer legible. His drawings now ruined by her hand.

_“I destroy everything I touch,” Natasha whispered as Nikola held her in his arms. He shook his head, brushing his thumb over her cheek._

_“Don’t be so dramatic Nata. I don’t believe it.”_

_Natasha sighed unwrapping herself from his embrace as she went back to searching the shelves of books in the massive home library of Drakov Manor for Irina’s lessons._

_“You should.”_

_Nikola walked up to her selecting War and Peace off the shelve as her hand went for it._

_“Or maybe you’ve just been going after the wrong things,” Nikola retorted handing her the book. “See? You’ve touched this book and it’s still intact.”_

_Natasha chuckled shaking her head._

_“And you’re too literal.”_

_He smiled at her, bright and hopeful…_

“Nat?” She didn’t have to look up to know Steve was standing at the entrance to the bathroom.

She heard his footsteps come to a stop next to her and saw his hand reach for his book.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t-I fell and it…” She stopped herself knowing it wouldn’t make a difference.

“I should have caught you,” The words were said barely above a whisper and her ears barely caught them. She looked up then to see a few tears slip from his eyes and she didn’t understand where this change in pace came from.

“What are you talking about?”

“The stairs…I should have caught you, but I froze…” He sniffled and took a deep breath as his thumb brushed over the drawing.

“I saw you teeter and then I wasn’t seeing a set of stairs anymore, but a ravine…” He took another deep breath and flipped the page over to another drawing of a faceless woman falling, and she knew it was meant to be her. It began to piece together in her mind then. He didn’t trust her, that was true, but he didn’t trust himself either.

“I know what it’s like Nat. We may be different, we may come from different backgrounds, but I know what it’s like to relive your regrets, your failures, to watch it happen over and over again and then see it come to life. I meant what I said, but it hurts all the same. I know a breaking point when I see one because I’ve had them and I wish someone would have stopped me. I wish someone would have sat me down, would have asked. I woke up and all Shield did was make sure I knew how to talk and function on my own and that was it. So much for helping vets. It’s no better than before…”

He paused again, his breathing evening out as he wiped his nose setting the book down to look at her.

“It just hurts Natasha. To know you feel like you have no one to feel safe with. I may not know what you were seeing, but I could see that you feared me. You were terrified of me. Hell, it looked like you would rather fall down the stairs than face whatever it was you thought I’d do to you.”

She thought over his words and it hurt her to. He wasn’t supposed to feel like that, that’s not how it is for her.

“I don’t fear you, Steve…but the thought that you’d hate me does,” She took a shaky breath berating herself yet again for revealing what was probably too much, but it wasn’t like she had a lot to lose.

“It’s funny though. Before, I never had dreams like that. Sure, a nightmare here and there, but after Shield they became worse. I have things to lose now and I watch myself lose them. Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s Clint or Fury, sometimes I still see Phil.”

“All because you think if we know the truth about you, see you?” Steve asked her, eyes searching her. His gaze felt like fire and she looked away, wrapping her arms around herself.

“No…because you knew, but still chose to let me in.”

She heard him sigh and she looked up at him, his expression softened.

“Then that’s on me, not you. You told me not to trust you, you warned me. You can’t make me do anything. It’s not up to you whether or not I listen,” He smoothed his thumb over her cheek as though he could rub his words into her skin.

But that didn’t matter, did it? He was still leaving.

“Yet you’re requesting reassignment,”

He shook his head.

“If that’s what it takes for you to get help then yes.”

She looked away from him. She didn’t want a new partner, she didn’t want to be the reason he left, but she also didn’t want to do what he was suggesting.

“I hate shrinks.”

“I’m not telling you to go see a shrink Nat, but you need to talk to somebody.”

She looked back up at him with glassy eyes.

“I don’t know how…”

“Then I’ll help you,” His eyes were pleading with her.

“Everyone handles things differently. We just have to find yours.” He paused seeming to ponder something before looking down at the book then going out to the bedroom.

A few moments later he returned with a book in his hands and handed it to her. She took it cautiously, it was hard cover, leather bound with delicate stitching, similar to his drawing book. When she opened the cover, she found lined pages blank and without words, but on the cover page she found Steve’s delicate scrawl,

_Never idle, never still, talk she must and talk she will._

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s a journal. I had originally bought it for drawing, but someone put the lined ones with the sketch books…if you can’t tell anyone, then don’t. Write it. You don’t have to show anyone, but at least your thoughts are going somewhere instead of getting trapped inside your head. You have a bad dream write it down. A scary thought, write it down. Self-doubt…”

“Write it down…” Natasha said, finishing his words. He nodded.

“It’s not a permanent fix, but if you want to finish this mission and you want to start trusting me than you gotta try something Nat.”

It couldn’t be that hard, right? After all, he said she didn’t have to show anyone. It wasn’t a homework assignment or a report. It was putting thoughts onto paper. Things she already knew and if it kept him there and kept the mission in tact than she really didn’t have any other choice, did she?

“Okay, I’ll give it a try.” Steve smiled then, soft and small and completely genuine.

“Come on, there’s no way you’re not in pain.”

Natasha’s lips curved and she let him guide her back out to the bedroom.

“I really did do a number, didn’t I?”

Steve let out a dry laugh.

“That’s one word for it. Go on, sit down. How about something to eat before the girls wake up?” She nodded slightly, her stomach growling.

“I could eat.” Natasha answered.

_…if only he’d taken her warning…_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The breadcrumb trail is growing ;)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm...sorry? I think it's the weather and the time of year, other than that I have no fucking clue why I didn't have this sooner.

Steve led Natasha back to the bed keeping an arm around her as she hopped back into the room. As soon as she sat down her body relaxed. Her ankle was throbbing along with her head and everything else, but it was better than before and nothing she couldn’t handle. Steve left her once again to go make breakfast, coming back with eggs, toast, and coffee he set the tray down on her lap before settling on the bed with an almost relived sigh. His entire body practically sinking into the bed as his eyes closed.

“Sorry about your book,” Natasha spoke a few moments later, her voice soft.

Steve cracked one eye open to look at her before closing it again.

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have left it there anyways.”

There was silence between them again as she picked at her food, but the images from his sketch book were haunting her. Looking back over to Steve, she felt a pang in her chest as his words about finding an outlet rang in her ears. Drawing was his outlet, so did that mean she was haunting his dreams? He wouldn’t be the first person she’s scared, but only the second one she’s scared like she had the night before.

She removed the mug of coffee, setting it on her nightstand and placing the tray on the floor. There’s not a lot she remembers from that night. Not afterwards anyways.

“Is that how you see me?” Natasha found herself asking, gently turning on her side to face him. He blinked open both eyes turning his head to look at her quizzically for a few moments before seeming to make the connection.

“The eyes?” He asked clarifying and she nodded. He sighed shaking his head.

“No…not now at least; but I can see you being like that at some point in the past. Someone I knew a long time ago once told me you could tell a lot about a person from looking them in the eye; their eyes have a story to tell. It’s about what they use them to look at. Are they soft, or are they hard? Do they not fit the person? He said you can’t really tell anything from looking a person in the eye if all they are looking at is you. Because people see what they want _you_ to see…”

Steve paused, thinking over his words before continuing.

“You weren’t looking at me; towards me, but not at me. I only drew what I saw in your eyes and it was fear for Lexi. You looked like you wanted to go after her, but whoever you were seeing scared you enough to keep you away. In that moment, you didn’t care what I might see, you only cared about what _you_ were seeing.”

She didn’t know how to respond to that. She wasn’t aware at how truly perceptive he was.

“You’re just full of surprises, aren’t you?”

He smirked.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me that’d surprise even Fury,” Steve said

She laughed at that, light and soft.

“What else did this man teach you?” She asked wondering not for the first time what mattered most to him. His smile softened.

“He taught me the best way to win a war was to never enter one to begin with because when it comes to war no one ever really wins. In the end, you’re haunted by the things you’ve seen, and nothing will ever really be worth the time you’ve lost because of it. Whether it be physical or emotional…He was right.”

“If he was so right and you knew he was, then why’d you want to join the army?” Natasha asked him now confused. His expression turned sad and he looked away from her.

“You’ve gotta understand that back in the day it was considered disgraceful to be a man of age and turned away because you were unable to fight. People looked down on you, you were considered the lowest of the low. If the army didn’t want you, then who would?”

Natasha shook her head. “That’s not what I asked.”

He knew it wasn’t. He rarely cared about what people thought of him, yet this weighed heavy on him.

“Why’d you want to become an assassin?” He countered instead of answering her. It caught her off guard, and when she didn’t say anything he continued.

“I didn’t want to join the army, not really, but it was the only way to get what I really wanted. What I thought I really needed.”

“You think you’ve got it all figured out?” Natasha asked slightly defensive and he shook his head.

“Like I said, I didn’t want to. People rarely do the things they want without reason. They do the things they do to get the things they think they need. I’ve never once in the last year seen you take a kill shot without cause; and even then, you still try not to. Even when we don’t need them for anything. Whether you like it or not, I have figured some things out, anyone can, most just choose not to. You of all people should know that. You don’t want to kill, but you’d do it in heartbeat if it came to it.”

“What else do you think you know?”

Steve sighed, sitting up.

“Nat, I don’t pretend to know anything, but I also don’t pretend that I don’t know anything. What’s wrong with me thinking you don’t want to kill people every second of every day? And don’t tell me it’s naive, what’s naive is assuming I’m an all-American Sweetheart who’s blind to the world around him. What’s naive is thinking I can’t be trusted with something as simple as fact. What’s naive is trying to defend yourself when all I’m doing is answering _your_ question.”

He let out an exasperated laugh shaking his head, but the look in his eyes changed.

“Who scared you so much that even letting a small _sliver_ of yourself free terrifies you?”

She looked away from him,

“Because no one’s ever cared enough to ask before,” She stated.

Steve frowned, that couldn’t be true. _No one’s ever wondered how she became the Black Widow?_

“I’m sure Clint’s asked.”

She shook her head.

“I think he just assumed I’d never want to talk about it, or if I did, I’d come to him. He’s not wrong, but he’s not right either.”

“Then what did you want to be? Before I mean,” Steve asked, and she hesitated.

Was there harm in telling him? It wasn’t like it could be used against her, maybe as a practical joke, but not any real harm.

“You tell me,” She replied

Steve’s frown returned, and he was about to say something again when she stopped him.

“I’m not being defensive, just curious. You’ve obviously thought about it before.”

“Oh, have I now?”

“You wouldn’t have asked if you hadn’t.”

He nodded slowly biting his lip.

“Well, you don’t move like a fighter. Not a normal one anyways. I’ve seen Hill and Fury in combat and they both have military styles of fighting. Clint fights more like a gymnast. Told me so when he was giving me lessons back in the summer after vaguely insinuating that he’d learned it while doing a stint in the circus,” He made a face that told her he didn’t quite believe that, but she’d cover that later.

“You have more grace. I can’t even hear you walk in a room and that’s saying something. But what really gave it away was your body itself. Your posture is impeccable, but your feet are a little misshapen from years of being wrapped. Your toes have been broken far too many times and the tips flattened from being walked on. Otherwise known as dancer’s feet.”

She huffed, nodding.

“You’re starting scare me.”

Steve smiled.

“You do know I worked with show girls for a year, right? Most of whom grew up dancing.”

She rolled her eyes at him, but she could see there was more.

“What?”

“Nothing, just…how does a ballerina turn into the world’s best assassin?”

She sighed, “How does an artist from Brooklyn become the world’s greatest hero?” She countered and his face faltered. “It’s like you said, funny how the things we think we need most in life end up being our greatest downfalls.”

“Funny…” He sighed looking at the clock.

“You want a shower or anything? I’m not wrapping your ankle again just to have you decide you need to bathe.”

She raised an eyebrow. She was pretty damn comfortable at the moment, but her hair was greasy and if she had the oomph to do it now she might as well.

“Yeah, might as well, but uh…I think I can do it myself this time.”

He cringed, slightly nodding.

“Got it. Just if you need anything…”

She shook her head slightly.

“I’ll let you know,” Natasha finished.

She shifted off the bed, taking a second to get her bearings before moving back towards the bathroom. Once inside, she let her body sag a little, feet shuffling more than walking. She turned on the shower, till it was steaming, and stepped inside. She hissed in pain as the hot water hit her skin, fire burning across the surface. But it felt good, easing her muscles. She leaned against the tile trying not to think for just a few moments.

A laugh bubbled out of her and for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why.

_Irony_ , that was why, him calling her naïve. _But was she?_

She cut off her laughing fit as she went back into auto-pilot, wincing as she washed her body then her hair. The question remained though, no one had ever accused her of being naïve, well no that’s not true either. But it wasn’t the same. Then it had been about survival, linked to her training and how it could get her killed. This was still about trust, but could she really be over protecting herself so much so, that she had now become the naïve one?

The water started turning cold and she stepped out of the shower wrapping herself up in a towel. She leaned back against the wall, her energy spent, but she was determined to at least fall asleep in her bed, then in the bathroom. She changed before going back into the bedroom and when she came back out she found Steve and the breakfast tray gone. Looking at the clock she realized she’d been in there awhile and he was probably getting breakfast for the girls.

Moving back to the bed, pain radiated down her spine and she hissed situating herself off the object she’d sat on. She picked up the soft plush bear- _Tilly_ -Lexi must have come in while she’d been out.

As if the girl could read minds, the door pushed open slightly, the little girl poking her head inside. Natasha directed her attention to Lexi, remembering she’d seen a little bit of the incident. _God_ , she hated herself for it. So far, she’d done nothing but traumatize this poor child even more than she already was. Lexi looked so afraid too, standing behind the door like she wasn’t sure what to do.

Natasha held out her hand to the little girl and Lexi hesitated as she came out from behind the door walking up to Natasha’s side of the bed. Lexi got almost all the way up, but Natasha lifted her the rest of the way doing her best to hide the grunt of pain as she set Lexi down on her lap. Lexi still appeared afraid as she looked Natasha over. Natasha was aware of how she looked, shitty and scary if the tears forming in Lexi’s eyes weren’t proof enough.

“Hey, baby girl it’s okay, I’m okay,” Natasha told her, hugging the little girl as she buried her face in her neck like she’d done when they’d first met.

“Lexi,” Steve appeared in the doorway sighing slightly. He’d changed into jeans and t-shirt at some point and she wondered how he managed to look more put together than he had only a half hour ago. Lexi pulled away from Natasha looking to him and he nodded his head to the door. “Come on, your eggs are gonna get cold.”

Lexi hesitated more, but one gentle pat from Natasha and the girl slid from the bed going back downstairs.

“Sorry, I told her she needed to put away her toys and then she was gone,” Steve sighed. He’d practically had to watch both girls and her on his own for the last day. He’d been left alone with the girls before, but never for more than a few hours.

“How bad?” Natasha asked, not sure she wanted to know.

“She’s been worried. I tried to keep her mind elsewhere, but she’s intuitive.”

That she was, and it was that intuitiveness that worried her.

“She’ll be okay Nat,” they both startled at the sound of something falling coming from downstairs. “I’ll go check on that…I’ll be back-Nat…no!”

She was already pushing herself up off the bed and he frowned.

“Save it, Rogers. If I sit in this bed any longer I’m going to melt into it. Besides, the girls need to see that I’m okay.”

He narrowed his eyes, about to argue, but Lexi’s voice came from the kitchen calling him and he relented.

“Fine, but no lifting anything.”

She gave him a mock salute before following him back downstairs.

* * *

Much to her amazement what had fallen was an empty plastic bowl, but that wasn’t the only thing. The living room was clean except for a few toys, the fridge held new crayon drawings, and both girls were wearing cloths. It would seem that Steve had handled things better than he let on. He was still tense though as he got Lexi to sit back down and his hands were a little shaky as he wrapped Natasha’s ankle.

She took the opportunity while his back was turned to pick Ellie up out of her chair. Steve frowned as he caught her halfway through lifting the babe.

“What? She’s fussy and I’ve fought with worse.”

He shook his head at her as she moved to the couch to put her foot up. It was miserable outside. Rain pouring down and a little creak forming in the backyard towards the drain. It only added to heaviness of the events over the last few days. Steve gave her a few Advil, at her insistence, once she was settled on the couch with an ice pack; she traded Ellie for a pillow.

Despite the dreary weather, Lexi seemed perfectly content as she quickly went around making herself comfortable on the couch next to her. Her favorite blanket, Tilly, and a cartoon stuffed chameleon she had yet to see. Steve seemed to know what that meant though when he came back from putting Ellie down.

“Again?” Steve asked Lexi who nodded enthusiastically. “How about a different one?”

“Tangled!”

Ah, a Disney movie…of course. One that Lexi seemed fairly set on.

“Fine, but I get to pick the one after, deal?”

“Deal!”

Steve got the movie playing and every time she or Steve would try to sneak a word in, Lexi would shush them. It was good to see her relaxing around him after everything, but it still hurt knowing how she got to be like that. After lunch both girls fell asleep on the couch for their nap and Natasha didn’t have the heart to move them. So, she settled right in with them.

She hadn’t realized she’d fallen asleep until she woke up a little while later. Both girls were still asleep, but Steve was nowhere to be found. She tucked Ellie into her rocker before walking down the hall. She stopped at the door to the office, finding Steve inside. She heard a call trying to go through on the computer and tucked herself out of his line of sight.

“Rogers,” her ears perked up at the sound of Fury’s voice.

“What the hell Fury! I’ve been trying to call you for the last day!”

“I’ve been busy. You’re not the only people I have to oversee,” Fury paused, and she could almost see his eye sizing Steve up. “You look like shit, where’s Romanoff?”

Steve let out a bitter laugh.

“With the girls.”

“You wanna try that again?”

Steve glared at Fury through the computer.

“What’s going on Rogers?”

“What’s been going on? Have you gotten none of my messages?”

Steve was losing his patience with Fury and she wondered if she shouldn’t intervene.

“Oh, the manhunt. Yes, it has no connection thankfully. Agent Romanoff could have told you that. We would have answered if it was something, but it turned out to be nothing.”

“Nothing? I came back to Lexi practically having a panic attack. She saw everything Fury. She watched her father die,” Steve’s voice was getting louder as he went on. He closed his eyes taking a deep breath to center himself. “You should have said something.”

“I would…had I known. She’s too young to have seen something like that. It’s unfortunate, but over time, she won’t remember-”

“Bull! Something like that doesn’t just-you know what…forget it.”

There was a long pause before Fury finally broke the silence.

“Steve, I regret putting those girls through that. Nothing went as planned, it rarely does, but what’s important, is that we make it so that they didn’t die in vain.”

Steve took a deep breath nodding, but he was still tense, and it seemed Fury could tell.

“How’s Romanoff handling the revelation?”

_What?_ Why on earth would he be asking him that? She moved closer, narrowing her eyes.

“She’s pissed, why?” Steve answered, tone almost cold.

“I only ask because she hasn’t made contact. Normally she would have answered my call…or already tried contacting me herself. But so far, it’s only been you. What’s going on Captain?”

Had Fury tried contacting her? She left her phone upstairs, so she wouldn’t know. But he knew something was wrong. Steve was taking a while to answer and Fury called his name,

“Captain, we discussed this already. If something happened, I need to know. Did something happen?”

She heard Steve sigh and it was then that she realized what was going on. Fury had asked Steve to spy on _her_. To report back on _her_.

“You asked me to keep an eye on her and I am. She’s pissed beyond all hell, we both are. Honestly, I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it. She’s handling everything like this were any other mission.”

Peeking into the office she could see Steve’s demeanor change. _He was fishing for answers._ Just as much as Fury was. It seemed neither man was going to get what they were looking for as Fury ended the call, but not without a warning,

“Captain, don’t let her fool you…she’s human just like the rest of us.”

Steve huffed, shaking his head slightly.

“Trust me sir, she’s not the one fooling people.”

As soon as Steve cut the call she turned from the office walking back down the hall.

Of course Fury would want to know what was going on. She just hadn’t thought he’d go as far as asking Steve to report to him before going to her. How could he, after everything he’d said? Had he been talking to Fury this entire time? Did he tell Fury about the nightmares?

But he didn’t. She didn’t know how she knew, but she did. It still hurt knowing he’d agreed to it, but she would have done the same thing. Except in the end, he still chose not to say anything, even though he knew she was struggling. And somehow that made the uneasy feeling ebb.

She shook her head knowing she might regret what she was about to do, but it was only fair.

“Nat?”

Natasha turned around to find Steve had come out of the office. He looked guilty and must have figured out she’d overheard everything.

“Nikolai.”

Steve’s eyes creased in confusion and rightfully so.

“What?”

“You asked me who scared me so much that I couldn’t let a sliver of myself be seen…Nikolai…his name…was Nikolai.”

_The only man I ever loved…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are encouraged!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously didn't even realize how much time had passed until I looked...I swear this is the last chapter before we move past this incident.  
> I would have had this done sooner but things took precedence like work and more work. BUT I finished it!

Steve stood dumbfounded as Natasha revealed a little more about the man whose name she had spoken. He thought she would have yelled at him, cursed him; after all, he had gone behind her back. He should have known better than to fall for Fury’s games. After their conversation though, he had a feeling Fury would be finding other ways to ensure his agents weren’t compromised.

This was somehow worse though.

Natasha had every right to be pissed, but she just looked sad and that was like a knife to his heart. He knew he owed her an explanation, but it felt like anything he could say wouldn’t matter. So he said nothing and neither did she. They went back to the girls and focused their attention on them. The weight of the last forty-eight hours starting to take its toll.

But now that the girls had gone to bed he had nothing to keep himself distracted. Natasha was in their room doing who knew what, as he finished up the loads of laundry he’d started. He closed the washer and started folding the sheets as his mind wandered. Out of everything he could imagine her saying to him, she tells him a secret?

He’d meant for it to be rhetorical, but now that he thought about it Natasha did live a life of secrets and one doesn’t just suddenly choose that. But one thing did stick out to him. _Nikolai._ If there was one thing Steve knew it was that there are no such things as coincidences.

That being said, it had to be the same man she called for, but if it was, then he had way more questions than he started out with. She wasn’t angry or scared, she was more shocked than anything, telling him she had to have been close to the man. But how close and in what manner? As far as Steve knew, Natasha wasn’t close to anyone except Barton so Nikolai had to be someone from her past before SHIELD.

Steve paused in his folding as something else came to mind. She’d been shocked from her nightmare, so was this Nikolai who she’d been seeing? If so, then none of this made sense. She was terrified of what she had seen…but she had said that had been the man who’d scared her. The look in her eyes told a different story, she was sad, almost betrayed and while he thought it was his doing, maybe it hadn’t all been directed at him.

Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

There was a knock on the door and he turned to see Natasha standing in the entrance.

“Hey.”

“Hey, have you seen my grey leggings?”

“Uh yeah they should be just about done…” Steve answered going back to his sheets as she started going through the dryer’s contents.

“Hey Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“You didn’t happen to remember to change the settings after those sheet’s, did you?”

Steve froze looking to the t-shirt she had in hand that had most definitely shrunk. She looked back into the dryer pulling out a disformed bra as well and he felt the last of his resolve fade away.

“You know you can’t put bra’s-”

“Yeah, I know,” Steve snapped walking over and taking the ruined garments from her.

“Hey, stop this!” Natasha said moving so she was in front of the dryer. “What is going on with you? Why are you acting like this?”

 _Why was he acting like this?_ Was she being serious?

“Me? Why are you so calm?”

She frowned at him and it seemed to click as she closed the dryer, shrugging.

“I don’t know what you expected…”

“I expected you to freak out! Yell, punch me! I went behind your back, Natasha and you just…tell me a secret!”

She propped herself back against the dryer crossing her arms.

“You were doing your job Steve…be kind of hypocritical to call you out on it. But that’s not why I told you about Nikolai.”

“Why then?”

She shrugged again hugging herself a little more.

“Fury has agendas, but he means well, he also knows about my past. But you…I know you’ve been protecting me, think of it as a thank you. Are we good?”

That struck him, she’d told him as a thank you?

“Yeah, we’re good.”

She smiled a little at that and he wasn’t sure why but the sudden need to know everything about this man disappeared. He knew he should be asking her more about this man, and why it was affecting her _now_ , but it could wait, for now at least. She could be cryptic at times, but he had a feeling the answer was staring him in the face and time would tell.

“Come on,” Natasha said, bringing him back to reality as she took him by the hand, “you look like shit. Have you slept at all?”

“Would you?”

He watched her expression shift slightly as she sighed.

“No, but then again I’ve slept more this weekend then…I don’t even remember the last time I’ve slept this much.”

He let out an amused chuckle letting her take him back to their room.

“At least let me replace what I damaged.”

It was her turn to laugh as she held her side,

“As much as I’d like to see your reaction to Victoria Secret, those bras were like ten years old. I should have replaced them ages ago. How about this, we’ll go to the mall this weekend and pick up a few things. Winter’s coming and neither of the girls have much in the way of clothes for wintery weather and that way we can put it on Fury’s dime instead.”

He cracked a smile at that.

“What’s that saying? Payback’s a bitch?”

“I think I’m finally starting to rub off on you,” Natasha responded with faked fondness and he rolled his eyes.

“Whatever you say,” Steve said, stifling a yawn as he pulled his shirt over his head and all but collapsed onto the bed.

His eyelids felt heavy as Natasha settled down next him, carding a hand through his hair,

“Night Steve.”

* * *

Steve groaned pulling his pillow tighter over his head to drown out the relentless beeping of the alarm clock. It finally stopped, and he relaxed back into the bed, until he felt cold hands on his back and jolted, looking up to find Natasha was awake beside him.

“Why on earth are your hands so cold?”

She shrugged smiling a little at his obvious annoyance.

“Come on soldier, you gotta go to work,” Natasha said taking his pillow from him.

“Are you sure? I mean I’m sure I can find an excuse…” He asked, deciding to deflect for a few more minutes.

Natasha frowned at him, clearly not amused.

“Steve, I feel better than I did yesterday, I’ll be fine. You, however, are going to be late,” Natasha insisted as she pulled her hair up into a bun before heading into the bathroom.

He wasn’t convinced but knew he didn’t have any other option. He needed to go in to find out more about the no go with Serpentine and why Rhino Tech refused to work with them. Steve finished getting ready for the day and made his way downstairs where Natasha handed him a to-go mug of coffee. Despite their conversation last night, he couldn’t help but feel like she was trying to push him out the door.

“You sure you’re going to be alright?” Steve asked her once more and she rolled her eyes.

“I’ll call you if I need anything. Happy?”

Steve eyed her, knowing better than to take her word on it, but knowing he had no room to move.

“Alright, I’ll see you-” He started as she shut the door. “-later. Alright then.”

He felt like the drive was too quick as he pulled into his parking spot and got out of the car. Security barely even checked him as he went through and made his way upstairs. He was grateful it was Monday, and nobody felt like talking this early in the morning, Tiffany barely looking up from her computer as he passed her desk before going to Dunhill’s office. He knocked and waited for Dunhill to answer.

“Come in.”

Steve entered Dunhill’s office and Dunhill smiled gesturing for him to take a seat.

“Chris, you okay? You look exhausted.” Dunhill commented as Steve took his seat.

“Yeah, Lexi’s still a little freaked out after Friday and hasn’t been too willing to sleep in her own bed so…” Steve lied easily, and Dunhill nodded.

“Right, Donny had filled me in. Damn druggies, sorry she had to see that,” Dunhill replied sympathetically.

“So, the meeting?”

“Right!” Dunhill pulled up something on his computer. “Nothing much to tell. Serpentine has been a competitor and ally for decades now, but they’re…ambitious. I’d had dinner with Robert a few weeks ago and he’d brought it up. Maybe a few years ago I would have agreed, but now…”

He shrugged, and Steve found it odd.

“If you don’t mind me asking how ambitious could an optical storage device be? We produce them all the time.”

Dunhill hesitated a moment before sighing.

“You know about our other dealings and just like us, Serpentine has their own. They prefer other departments though. Medical mostly. Next Gen stuff. When he said optical he meant literally…” Dunhill turned his computer screen to show specks for what looked like a robotic eye.

“That’s…” Steve had no words other than disturbing and unethical, but he supposed that’s what he signed up for.

“Yeah, and it’s risky. It’s an implant and quite honestly, we’re on the brink of something that just by me even entertaining the thought could destroy it. Those two don’t mix. Ever.” Dunhill shuddered slightly at the thought and it struck Steve as odd.

“Well then, good riddance.”

“Exactly,” Dunhill agreed closing out the specs. “Anyways, that’s all, nothing big, but before I let you get to work I wanted to extend an invitation to you and your family to my house for a sort of end of warm weather barbeque on Saturday.”

Oh, boy,

“I don’t see why not, just wanna run it by Melissa first but count us in,” Steve replied, making Dunhill smile.

“Great! Joanne will be so happy to finally meet you guys. I’ll email you the information.”

Dunhill stood, and Steve followed shaking his hand. Steve let out a breath kicking himself. Natasha wasn’t going to be happy about this, but this might just give them the opportunity they need to get insider information.

* * *

Natasha leaned against the door letting out a sigh of relief. After Nikolai’s name left her mouth she’d regretted it. It felt like by just saying his name she was spilling all of her secrets. She tried to convince herself that she wasn’t. She was still in control of what he found out and that was fine. But the thought that maybe Fury might tell him more made her nervous and when Steve didn’t ask anymore questions she wondered if he didn’t already know more.

She needed him out of the house for the day. Fury wouldn’t tell Steve more than he needed to know, but she got the feeling that if Steve had told Fury what had happened the man just might let something slip. She should have started out with her real name like everyone else.

She sighed, running a hand through her hair and wincing at the cut on her head. She needed to get a handle on this and soon, preferably before Irina showed up again. She wasn’t sure she could handle _both_ haunting her at once.

* * *

“Just five minutes,” Natasha told herself as she sat down on the bed. The girls had just passed out for their naps and she felt like her head was on a spinning wheel. She knew it would be dangerous to fall asleep herself, not because of her mind, but because she wasn’t sure how long she’d stay asleep.

There was a sudden shrill sound, startling her as she reached out grabbing her phone.

“Hello?” Natasha answered clearing her throat as she sat up.

“Mrs. Hastings, this is Lisa calling from Children’s Hospital about your daughter Eleanor Hastings.”

The fog left Natasha’s head as she became fully alert. Why on earth was the hospital calling her? Did they miss an appointment?

“Yes, this is she, um I’m sorry did we miss an appointment?”

“No, ma’am, I’m actually calling you because Dr. Brighton has an opening and would like to move Eleanor’s surgery up to Wednesday the twenty-fourth instead of the week after.”

Natasha looked at the date on her phone, that was next week.

“Is she sure?”

“Eleanor’s been steady in every area and I can assure you this isn’t uncommon. With Eleanor’s condition as it is, Dr. Brighton feels it best to do this sooner rather than later.”

And Dr. Brighton couldn’t call them herself why?

“Well if she’s sure than yes, let’s move the surgery.”

“Alright, it’s moved, same as before we’ll call you on Tuesday with what time you need to be there, nothing to eat or drink after eight pm Tuesday night no matter how much she cries okay?”

Natasha nodded, even though Lisa couldn’t see her,

“Understood, thank you.”

“Your welcome, have a good day.”

Natasha tossed her phone back on the side table, rubbing her eyes with the heal of her palms. She knew they’d have to do this sooner or later, but now that they only had a little over a week it was starting to hit home. She contemplated calling Steve but thought it best to wait till he got done at Rhino Tech before telling him. No need to add to what she figured was already a stressful day. She laid back down, letting her body relax and just as she felt herself falling asleep the baby monitor lit up with Ellie’s babbling.

* * *

Natasha slowly backed out of Ellie’s room, closing the door behind her, she let out a breath but held it when she felt someone behind her. She turned swiftly, her left arm caught mid-swing and when she focused she saw it was only Steve. He’d texted her earlier, telling her he’d be late, and she relaxed as he let go of her arm.

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Natasha bit out, quietly moving away from the infant’s room.

“If I have to do as much back log as I did today again, then maybe…” Steve replied dryly. He took a moment to look her over, study her, make sure she hadn’t over worked herself.

“That bad?” She asked as he sat down with a heavy sigh on the bed.

“So many numbers, and names and oh you’ll love this,” Steve said with a tight smile as she sat down next to him. “Serpentine isn’t as squeaky clean as they appear. Turns out by optical storage devise they mean a robotic eye. Dunhill said it wasn’t something he felt was a good idea. Too risky, and I have to agree. He also mentioned it would have damaging repercussions on our current project the superiors wouldn’t enjoy. Chances are Denning will sell the specs on the market to the highest bidder. But it isn’t something Rhino Tech wouldn’t not consider. Dunhill said if it were a few years ago he would have agreed to it but now…”

Natasha shook her head taking in this new information.

“Did you get a look at the specs?” Natasha asked, slipping easily back into agent mode.

“Yeah, I’m not an expert, but from the brief look I got, they looked basic.” Steve replied, taking off his tie.

“So, something that’s modifiable. Easier to hide and slip under the radar.”

“Plus, if you get too specific things won’t sell, but then again that’s a tough market. Hard to imagine they’d be able to find someone to sell them too.”

“Tough? Try damaging. It’s not popular for a reason. Dunhill’s right, were this a few years ago maybe, but now? Biotech-enhancements like that are mostly for those freaks who want to live forever in ease. To find a buyer for an optic eye? Impossible.”

“Unless they already have a buyer.”

Steve was right, Serpentine would need to have someone already lined up.

“We’ll alert Hill of your findings, but right now we need to focus on Rhino Tech. SHIELD can send another team out for them.” Natasha concluded.

“Sounds like a plan,” Steve said getting up and going into the closet. “Oh, uh so about Saturday, Dunhill asked us over to his house for a picnic or something like that.”

Natasha frowned. She still had yet to meet with Henry Dunhill and while it shouldn’t surprise her that he’s inviting them over, it doesn’t seem right.

“Why?”

“Him and his wife are just hosting a last hurrah before winter and asked that we all come. I told him I’d talk to you, but I think it might be our best chance at getting into his home computer. See if he keeps anything there instead of at Rhino Tech.”

It would be the perfect opportunity, especially if there are going to be other families there to make the perfect distraction…and also the best way to spread germs.

“What’s wrong?”

Natasha looked up meeting his gaze as he came back out dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. She could tell he knew something was off, but was still trying to figure it out. She sighed knowing she couldn’t hold off telling him about the surgery being moved. It would be the best shot they had, but with the surgery, she wasn’t sure they should risk taking Ellie somewhere like that when even the slightest sneeze could set them back.

“Dr. Brighton’s office called.” She watched his face fall and worry begin to etch into his features.

“What did they have to say?”

“They have an opening and Dr. Brighton feels like Ellie’s in a good enough condition that she wants to move up the surgery to next Wednesday.”

“You think she’s ready for that?”

Natasha shrugged. What did she know? She was at a loss when it came to Ellie’s condition, but if the doctor felt comfortable enough then she guessed Ellie must be ready.

“Personally, I don’t know, but if Brighton’s comfortable enough with going forward than we should be too.”

Steve nodded, slowly agreeing.

“Then we do it, but what are we supposed to do with Ellie on Saturday? We can’t risk taking her with us and her getting sick right before surgery.”

That was a very good question.

“I’ll call the hospital back tomorrow see if they think it’s okay or not and if not then I’ll stay back, and you take Lexi with you to the picnic. We need that information no matter what and having to take your daughter inside to the potty is a good excuse for being gone long enough to sneak information off his hard drive.”

He frowned a little at that but didn’t disagree. She was about to try and change the subject when Steve’s stomach did it for her. She smirked at his off-guard expression.

“Hungry?”

“Yeah, now that you mention it, how’d you know?” Steve replied sarcastically, as he held off his own grin. She chuckled, tugging on his arm.

“Come on soldier, I put your dinner in on warm in the oven.”

He smiled following her downstairs, filling her in on everyone he suspected would be there and she felt herself easily falling back into normalcy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told ya'll I wasn't gonna wait nine weeks this time!   
> Though I will say I thought my days of next day updates were gone but I literally have no place to go because the snows accumulated to oh 6-8 inches and counting. I'm not going anywhere any time soon and neither is my beta. Seriously it looks like I live in a fucking snow globe. And let it be known for those who go back and read this months later that its the day after the first day of spring.   
> I blame the groundhog.

_Saturday_

Natasha was standing in the bathroom tying up her hair into a loose bun and bandana. She found a pair of light blue jean overalls and simple white t-shirt in the closet; rolling the pant legs, so they weren’t awkward at her feet and she slipped a red flannel on top to cover the remaining bruises on her arms. She finished her make-up, covering up the rest of her fading injuries and pulling a few curls from her bun out to frame her face.

Capping her lip balm, she regarded herself in the mirror. She looked good, like nothing ever even happened and yet she felt anxious about this whole thing. The doctor told her they were okay to take Ellie to the picnic and Natasha knew that in the back of her mind she’d been hoping they would have said no.

_“Really? So, I suppose you have a story made up for how you hurt yourself? Because considering how much Janet comes over, it won’t be long before she comes knocking again and as good of an actress as you are, you can’t hide those bruises. No matter what you tell her, busybodies will be nosey and before long she’ll start asking questions that you can’t answer and then we’re both screwed. So…I’d think again before you speak.”_

She shook herself of the memory, testing her normal movements in the mirror, making sure she covered her bases. She would _not_ screw this up. She gave herself one last glance before turning away and heading downstairs to see if everyone else was ready.

Sure enough, Lexi was twirling around the living room in her soft jean dress and little flats while Ellie was sprawled out on her belly trying to get her legs underneath herself. It wasn’t working, partly because of the matching dress she had on and partly because her arms were in the air instead of on the ground.

Steve seemed pretty determined though, as he sat across from Ellie with her binkie in hand. She wasn’t at all pleased with him and Natasha couldn’t blame the girl, except they really needed her to crawl. She should have already started, but the closest she got was bopping her butt up and down in the air.

“Everybody ready?” Natasha asked and as soon as Steve looked up he raised an eyebrow.

“What?” She asked, scooping Ellie up off the floor.

“Aren’t you gonna be a little hot?”

She shrugged in response as she got Ellie situated in her car seat. He came up beside her holding up her arm and picking at where she’d buttoned the sleeves. She’d berated him before about doing that with his own shirts when not wearing a jacket over top and clearly, he was going to do the same.

“Yeah, I know, hypocritical, but I don’t need anyone asking questions.”

He frowned at her and she held up her hand.

“I don’t need another lecture. Are the girls ready?”

“Yes, but…” He moved around her tugging the flannel off her shoulders and wrapping it around her waist. “Nat, I know what I said, and I’m sorry. I said things I shouldn’t have…but it’s been a week. I don’t see why your fussing over shadows.”

He moved back to his position beside her, eyebrow raised. Looking back at her arms, the bruising really was nothing more than shadows if that, thanks to whatever the SHIELD scientists put in that emergency bag.

“What else is bugging you?”

She shrugged,

“Nothing, I just…I don’t know…this feels off. I just want to make sure nothing goes wrong with the plan. You got the drive?”

Steve held up the drive smiling.

“I got it. Come on, don’t want to be late.”

Natasha rolled her eyes jokingly, stuffing a few things into a bag for the girls before leaving.

* * *

“Ready to admit it?” Natasha asked turning her head to look at Steve.

He frowned, gripping the steering wheel.

“No, I have a photographic memory. I saw our destination on the GPS before we even left, I know where we’re going.”

About twenty minutes ago they’d lost signal on the GPS due to the fact they were in the middle of flipping _nowhere._ Grass and trees and farms. That’s it. That’s all you could see for miles. And it was _entirely_ backroads, some of which were not made for more than one car and most, if not all, unlined and curvy and pitted. Needless to say, Steve was getting frustrated and she was waiting for him to admit they we’re lost.

“If I can find my way back to camp leading four-hundred men without a map I can find this house.”

Natasha held up her hands smirking a little before looking back to check on the girls. Lexi was watching out the window, pointing and commenting every so often at the things she could see while Ellie took a short nap.

“Waterloo! Hah, I told you I’d find it.”

She turned back to him raising an eyebrow and he sobered, pulling onto the long gravel drive that was lined by trees.

“Wow…”

Natasha looked out the windshield to see a large stone farmhouse at the end of the drive surrounded by open fields and a large horse barn off to the side. From their research she knew Dunhill had quiet a bit of money, but she hadn’t expected this. Steve pulled the truck to a stop next to another car off to the side of the driveway and turned off the engine.

“If I didn’t already know what Dunhill really did, I would now.” Steve commented, “Ready?”

“Yeah, let’s get this over with.”

They got out, getting the girls from the car, and Ellie wasn’t too pleased at being roused from her impromptu nap. Walking up to the house she could hear people laughing. The French doors open, inviting everyone inside and to the back. Steve poked his head around looking at the other families there before Dunhill came out from the kitchen.

“Chris! Glad you could make it, hope you found your way alright.” Dunhill greeted, “You must be Melissa, Henry Dunhill, it’s a pleasure.”

Natasha accepted his hand, shaking it,

“It’s a pleasure as well, you have a beautiful home.”

“Thank you, come on! The parties out back,”

Dunhill led them out to the back patio where the majority of the people attending were. It was a little more people than she had expected, but from those who waved at Steve she knew they had to be Rhino Tech. Either Dunhill was just a great boss who loved hosting his employees or there was something else going on here.

“Emily!” Dunhill called out to a blonde-haired woman standing by the outdoor bar of the house. She smiled walking up to him, “Chris, Melissa I’d like you to meet my wife Emily,”

Emily’s face lit up, obviously recognizing the name.

“Oh yes! Henry’s told me so much about you, I’m so happy you guys could make it. I assume these are your girls?” She bent down holding out her hand to Lexi who shied away behind Steve’s leg.

“Sorry, she’s a little on the shy side,”

Emily waved him off,

“What kid isn’t in a new environment. But feel free to get something to drink and eat, we’ve got nets set out for the kids, pool’s open, and bathrooms on the right-hand side of the hall that you just came through.” Something seemed to catch her eye as she frowned, “Jason, what did I tell you…! I’m so sorry, I’ll be right back,” Emily apologized before heading off somewhere,

“Sorry, our son likes frogs, his sister…not so much.” Dunhill replied, “Please though enjoy the party,”

Dunhill walked off to go help his wife, leaving them to look around.

“So that’s Mrs. Dunhill…huh, I expected her to be younger.” Natasha said gazing in the direction the woman had gone off in.

“Not every man with money and power marries young women.” Steve responded, and she shrugged,

“True, but then again SHIELD had nothing much on his wife.”

When she’d gone to take a look into Mrs. Dunhill nothing major turned up, only that she was self-employed and worked from home. Natasha assumed she’d be younger because of the party and lack of information, but apparently her assessments had been wrong.

“Chris, Mel!”

Natasha felt Steve tense next to her as they looked over to see Janet.

“Hey guys, how’s it going? I feel like I haven’t seen you all week.” Janet commented to her and it had been a week. She’d been avoiding this woman for a reason, but she didn’t need to know that.

“It’s been a long week, they moved Ellie’s surgery up, so I’ve just been trying to get ready for that.”

When in doubt go with the answer guaranteed to change the subject. Sure, enough her face sobered.

“God. Well, you’ve certainly had a rough week, but you’re here so I’m assuming there was just an opening?”

“Yeah, the doctor thinks she’s stable enough for it so we’re going to go ahead with it on Wednesday.”

“Well good, that means she’s almost out of the woods then. But enough about that, this is a picnic! Chris, Donny’s over by the swing set with Kayson if Lexi’s up to playing?”

“How’s that sound sweetie?” Steve asked Lexi giving her hand a little squeeze. She nodded though, her shyness ebbing at the familiar name. He gave her one last look before going off to find Donny, clearly Janet had other things to talk about with her.

“Come on, lets go get you a drink. Wine or beer?”

“Beer’s fine.”

“Alright, Bud, Coors, Corona, Heineken or Yuengling?”

“Heineken’s fine.”

“I knew I liked you for a reason.” Janet said, popping the tops on both bottles before handing her one.

“Thanks, gotta say I didn’t picture that.” Natasha said, seeing what she might be able to get out of Janet, if anything.

“Oh yeah, that’s Emily Dunhill for you. She may not be a trophy wife, but she’s got “PTA Mom” down pat, right down to her healthy snacks; but she at least doesn’t force it on others. Thank God too, or else I don’t think I could suffer through this.”

“That bad?”

Janet shrugged,

“Let’s just say I’m not a favorite with the other wives. They’re civil, but they don’t go out of their way.”

That didn’t surprise her in the least. Janet was out going, but it also explained why she jumped at the chance to be around her. Question was, why? Sure, Janet could be a little nosy and out there, but Natasha couldn’t see why that turned people away so much.

“So, they’re picky, what else is new?”

“They’re more than picky, they even let Tiffany into their little group and I’m positive she’s made her way around a few of their husbands. Then again, I’m pretty sure half those women pay her, so they don’t have too…”

Natasha raised an eyebrow at her and she shrugged.

“Well, you have me.” Natasha said, not quite sure why she felt she needed to make Janet feel better.

“Thanks, but you’re not even the least bit curious?”

“Oh, I never said that.” Natasha smirked making Janet laugh. “I do have to know how Dunhill affords the upkeep on a place like this though.”

“Oh, he doesn’t. This is all hers. Believe it or not, _he’s_ the trophy wife in this relationship. Her family is loaded, and on top of that, her horses are not only show horses, but riding horses for kids with special needs. So of course, she gets some tax right off or something for it I don’t really know. All I know, is that her family has old money and they’ve been here a lot longer than most.”

Now that was something to look into, but then again, maybe Dunhill played it off like that to make it seem as though he wasn’t outsourcing his goods.

“Well, she doesn’t seem all that awful.”

Janet made a noncommittal noise,

“She’s not…but like I said, she’s just not that outgoing, unless you’ve got the right connections.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, if you’ve got something she can use to her advantage. Like with Tiffany; while my theory is much more scandalous, in reality, Tiff’s in control of Henry’s work life and if Emily has control of Tiff then she’s got control of Henry, see what I’m getting at?”

“Emily’s wearing the pants?”

“Exactly. Also, Lilly Vanderbilt, Short brunet to Emily’s right, her son has Downs and is the face of her business. Lilly tells all her friends about the farm, who then come here and ride. Now I’m not sure of the connection between her husband and Henry but I do know they’re not affording that nice special school for Cole on Jenson’s paycheck alone. Don’t get me wrong, he makes a lot, but you might as well be paying for college.”

Natasha took all this new information in,

“Oh, and the tall blonde with the pink rimmed glasses, that’s . She works with the charity department at Rhino Tech. In other words, she oversees the money Rhino Tech gives out to charities. Now see she and her husband Richard Denning-”

Wait…Denning as in…

“Wait, I thought Denning worked for Serpentine?”

“Oh, he does, but Joan works for Rhino Tech part-time. I don’t know what the connection is or where it starts, but Joan and Emily go way back. But as I was saying, they also help fund Emily’s business too.”

“So, Rhino Tech gives money to Emily?”

Janet nodded, biting her lip.

“Yup it goes full circle from what I can tell, and this right here is only one of the many charities Rhino Tech gives its money too that Emily operates. It’s all a little too sketchy for me, but then again, if Lilly’s a part of it than it can’t be as monstrous as I’m making it sound.”

Natasha hid her smirk as it seems her talk with Janet has paid off. As the afternoon went on the other women started to come up to her and introduce themselves, ask the normal questions as they got to know her and she them; the men doing the same with Steve. This only served to prove her suspicions true about something being off; this wasn’t just some picnic, this was a meet and greet.

“I’m nixing the plan.” Natasha whispered to Steve as she joined his side after her interrogations.

“Why?”

“Because I’m getting the feeling that this is a lot bigger than we thought and if I’m right then there’s not going to be anything but smoke screens on his computer. If we hold out a little while longer we may have the chance to get something bigger. Better to wait, then to waste a chance on nothing and possibly raise suspicions.”

Steve nodded slowly, watching Lexi as she ran around with Kayson and some of the other kids, after opening up a little more.

“Alright, but where’s this coming from?”

“This is a meet and greet, we’re being knit-picked right this second. They’re testing us to see if we can be trusted and all eyes are on us. That, and a little new info from our favorite busybody. I’ll explain later.” Natasha said seeing his confusion.

“I got the feeling that was what this was, but knowing you’re thinking it too, makes me wonder if we’re not in over our heads.”

“I hate to break it to you Steve, but we passed over our heads three weeks ago.”

Ellie shifted in her arms grabbing out for Steve and he took her, shushing her as she started to fuss. They’d been here for several hours now and Natasha felt like maybe it was best they get going. She called Lexi over and the little girl waved goodbye catching up to them.

“Oh, Melissa before you go!” Emily said stopping her, “I just wanted to extend an invitation to you and the girls. I host a playdate once a week here at the house on Thursday’s. I know Ellie has her surgery on Wednesday, but maybe the next week you would consider joining us?”

“Well that’s very kind of you. I’ll have to see what happens with everything of course, but I think Lexi could benefit from it.”

Emily’s smile widened at her response, it clearly being the one she’d hoped for.

“Fantastic! I’ll text you the details-or do you prefer email?”

Natasha wrote down her phone number giving it to Emily before saying goodbye. She smirked at Steve as they got into the car, now one step closer to finding out what was really going on.

* * *

 

“So, let me get this straight…you think Emily Dunhill is the mastermind, not Henry?”

Natasha nodded slowly as Steve processed the information. Once they’d gotten home and gotten the girls situated she explained everything she’d found out, only Steve wasn’t convinced.

“It makes sense. From what Janet told me, this woman has her hands even more up Rhino Tech’s ass then Henry. She’s getting funds from Rhino Tech. I mean that’s weird.”

“It is weird Nat, but maybe Henry’s using that as a cover…”

“And then what? Embezzling from his wife? No, she’s in on this. They all are.”

“Except for Janet?”

Natasha sighed, there was that one little detail.

“For some odd reason yes. Whatever it is the others don’t want her on the inside and I think that has to do with her personality more than anything. She’s a truth seeker and they’re hard to quiet. Not to mention the fact that from what I could tell, she’s got nothing Emily can use or benefit from.”

“And we do?”

“Unfortunately, we do. Ellie’s sick, and we have outside connections they could benefit from. We’re not the only ones either, there’s at least one other family that I know of.”

Steve looked like he might be sick; and quite honestly, she felt like she might be as well.

“Alright, so they’re using people’s kids to get to them, but Nat there are other ways. I just don’t think that’s the main thing that’s wrong here. I mean, how does Rhino Tech even benefit from that? How does she? Where’s her connection other than her husband?”

“The money.” She knew it was weak, but she just had a gut feeling there was more.

“And for all we know it’s legit. Could she be bribing that boy’s parents? Sure. But I just don’t think that’s where we should be looking for the mastermind. I do think we should keep an eye on it though, just not both. We still have a lot of missing pieces and until you really get inside, we can’t say anything for sure.”

He was right, and she hated it, but until Natasha got inside with Emily, all she had to go on was hearsay.

“Now what is intriguing, is Emily and Joan’s connection. That could be our missing piece between Dunhill and Denning-” Steve was interrupted by a knock at the door. She looked to the clock on the wall to see it was just past eight-thirty.

She nodded for him to get up and he did, going to the door as she slipped into the dinning room to wait. She heard Steve open the door letting someone enter the house and she decided it was time to interject,

“Babe, who’s-” Natasha started to ask, but as she turned the corner she halted, the person coming into view…

_Well fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe :) So who's at the door???
> 
> Also farmhouses around here aren't what you would probably think of, i.e. Clint's farmhouse. I mean I've seen it, but that's not a traditional PA farmhouse. Our versions are old stone colonials with large front porches and have two to three levels (rich had four sometimes but those are newer). OR more like Clint's but smaller which you'll see more towards Amish Country and those things are built by hand okay. I've seen a barn raising before and it's fascinating to watch. But the Amish just kind of add on to their house because traditionally the in-laws move in to an addition on to your house. Talk about hanging over your shoulder.
> 
> But the first is most traditional. A lot of the land is handed down and with how wonky the weather is, stone holds up better than wood would, but if you see it mixed that's a sign that an addition has been made to the house or it's not as old as you would think. Barns that are original to the property are also most likely to be made of stone because it doesn't burn down as quickly. Of course it doesn't make it any less difficult to put out but still. I work at a place that has an old stone barn, that is being redone so it'll look the same on the outside but inside its completely gutted. There's also this old house down the road that someone gutted and when they took the siding off they revealed all the old stone and it just made the house look so much better. They have to replace some of the stone, but there's also an old out house and "water" shed too. I'd love to get a look inside but I don't own it so that's not happening.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAHHHH!  
> One hour til INFINITY WARS!!!!  
> I feel like this will be a nice present for you all as we cry.
> 
> WARNING: emotions. Strong ones having to do with surgeries and light mentions of medical procedures.
> 
> The song used in this chapter is Lullaby by OneRepublic and yes I am obsessed with them.

“Agent 13?”

Natasha stood frozen as she came face to face with none other than Sharon Carter. Out of everyone she’d expected to see, Sharon was not one of them. But there she was standing in the foyer with two suitcases. A seriousness to her face that Natasha knew came from being given strict orders you knew no one would agree to.

“What are you doing here?” Natasha snapped as Steve closed and locked the front door.

“Well hello to you to, Agent Romanoff.” Sharon answered, setting her bags down by the stairs.

She looked over at Steve as his face set in a scowl. She knew there would be repercussions, but she hadn’t expected _this_.

“Hello, now what are you doing here?”

Sharon sighed, going to her purse and pulling out a file, handing it to them,

“I’m here to assist you.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes at the woman flipping open the file.

_Name: Kate Sheppard_

_DOB: January 18, 1982_

_Relationship to party: older sister to Melissa Hastings. Aunt and next of kin to Eleanor and Alexis Hastings._

“This is a joke, right?” Natasha asked, handing the file to Steve.

“No. Director Fury has been contemplating sending me in for a while now; and with Eleanor’s surgery being moved, he felt now was a good time.”

She scoffed at that. _No_ , this was about last week, and she knew it too.

“Melissa doesn’t have a sister,” Steve pointed out,

“Actually, she does.” Sharon corrected, “It took some digging, but she and her sister were separated in the system after their parents died and their files were sealed. They were so young chances are neither remembers the other. The only problem is, we have no further records of Kate past 1990. It appears that she was adopted by a family, but the records are sealed and unsealing them would require authorization…”

“And SHEILD admitting to what’s actually going on.” Natasha finished, and she nodded.

“Precisely. What we do know though is that the adoption took place in New York so right now our story is that Kate is a traveling nurse based out of New York City. You guys called and asked her to help with Alexis while you take care of Eleanor. I’ll be in and out for the duration of the mission.”

Steve raised an eyebrow.

“In and out as in…?”

“As in I’ll be staying here with you while I am in town.”

She blinked taking everything in and felt the slight panic rise in her chest. She glanced to Steve,

“Look, I get it, you guys weren’t planning on this, but my cover is solid, and I’ll only be here for a week. In the meantime, I would like to know what you guys have found.”

Natasha nodded knowing there was no changing anything. They did need help with Alexis, but Fury would be hearing from her.

“Fine, but in the morning, it’s late.”

Sharon digressed some, easing more as she looked around.

“That’s fine. If you could just direct me to the guest room…”

Natasha felt Steve tense beside her.

“Uh well…we don’t actually have one set up. I put the bed in the garage not thinking we’d use it.” Steve replied sheepish.

Natasha sent him a glare, but Sharon didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

“The couch is fine, I’ve slept on worse.”

They got Sharon set up for the night before retiring themselves. When they were safely tucked away upstairs Steve started apologizing.

“You didn’t cause this, Steve.” Natasha reassured and okay hanging up on the director isn’t the smartest move, but Sharon was here for her, that much was obvious.

“Did you know Melissa had a sister?”

Natasha shook her head this was the first mention of Kate.

“No, and as far as I can tell, Melissa didn’t know about her either.”

“What are we supposed to do?” He didn’t seem entirely convinced about any of this, but decided it wasn’t worth dragging out.

“Go with it. There’s nothing we can do. We do need help with Lexi while we’re dealing with Ellie and if we can manage to get through this week without her getting suspicious than we’re in the clear. Tomorrow though you need to finish setting up the guest room since it seems we’ll actually need it.”

“Alright,” Steve agreed, his gaze softening, “are you okay?”

Natasha shrugged, this wasn’t the first time Fury had someone watching her during a mission, it wouldn’t be the last. But she was going to have to have a word with Nick about sending someone in mid-mission. If he was looking to get her attention it worked. For right now though, they needed to keep their focus on the girls.

“I’ll be fine. We just need to focus on Ellie for now. Come on, let’s get some sleep.”

Steve nodded, slipping in beside her, though she had a feeling neither of them would be sleeping tonight.

* * *

Natasha woke up the next morning having barely slept. She knew Steve hadn’t either, but as she walked downstairs to start some coffee before Lexi got up, she found Sharon was at least able to get some shut eye. She doesn’t remember having so much spite over something as petty as sleep before, but there’s always a first for everything.

What she hadn’t expected was to find Lexi staring Sharon down as she slept. Natasha looked around wondering how the little girl managed to slip past her. She should probably find it creepy, but as Sharon roused and practically jumped off the couch, she couldn’t find it in herself to care.

“Alexis…” Natasha warned, as she hid her smirk. The little girl got up, hurrying over to where Natasha was. Picking her up, she didn’t miss how Lexi’s eyes never stopped watching their visitor.

“Does she always do that?” Sharon asked, brushing the hair from her face.

“Coffee?” Natasha asked in lieu of answering as she pulled two mugs out of the cupboard.

“Sure…” Sharon answered cautiously as she slid onto the bar stool. “Everyone else still asleep?”

“Steve is, but he got up last for Ellie so my turn for Lexi.”

“Early riser?” Sharon asked glancing at the clock; it wasn’t even eight.

“Should have been my first clue she beat me down here when she didn’t wake me up. Believe it or not but this is her sleeping in.” Natasha answered handing Sharon a mug.

“Well, I’ll have to keep note of that.”

Natasha sat Lexi down next to Sharon at the island as Lexi continued her staring.

“You remember Kate, she stayed with you while we were away.” Natasha said, trying to jog something for the girl. Something seemed to catch her memory as her glare ebbed some seeming to make the connection.

“Hi…” Lexi responded hesitantly, before looking to her, “Why she here?”

“She’s here to help us out while we take Ellie to the doctors.”

Lexi looked perplexed as she processed everything, before seeming to accept it.

“Can I has juice?”

“How about milk? Then you can have juice with lunch.”

“Okay.”

Natasha went about getting out the milk and securing it in a sippy cup for Lexi.

“Tangled?” Natasha frowned, knowing she shouldn’t, but sighed. It was Sunday, one day won’t kill them.

“Fine, but when breakfast is ready it goes off.”

Lexi slid of the stool going into the living room as Natasha followed.

“She’ll ask every morning, don’t let her. I just don’t feel like watching her burn a hole into you with her eyes.” Natasha said, coming back into the kitchen and taking a sip of her coffee.

“Sorry about the abrupt entrance last night. I had intended on being here earlier, but I hit a lot of traffic.” Sharon replied, seeming to still be taking everything in.

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t really, but she was trying to be civil.

She heard footsteps and looked out the corner of her eye to see Steve come down the stairs with Ellie. He raised an eyebrow at the TV and she shook her head telling him to ignore it.

“Morning,” He grabbed a mug pouring himself some coffee and grabbing a bottle for Ellie.

“Alexis,” Natasha called as her waffle popped from the toaster.

Lexi came back in, sitting down, as her focus turned to her breakfast instead of Sharon thankfully. The rest of breakfast went relatively well, as Ellie went down for her nap they distracted Lexi with the rest of her movie, so they could bring Sharon up to speed on the mission.

“So, I know you guys were at a company function yesterday. Learn anything new?” Sharon asked as she rejoined them in the kitchen.

“We did, and it only added more questions.” Natasha answered as Sharon pulled out a notebook.

“Like?”

“Like, the fact that Rhino Tech’s been giving charity money out to Dunhill’s wife via her many charities. One of them being run straight out of their home.”

“So, you think she’s mixed into this as well?”

“Maybe, Yes.”

Natasha glared at Steve from the corner of her eye as Sharon glanced between them.

“There’s no way Emily wouldn’t notice. All the money is from her family, not Henry’s and from the information I got, it seems she’s got a tighter leash on Henry than what it seems. On top of that, it turns out that she’s close friends with Richard Denning’s wife Joan who also works part-time at Rhino Tech overseeing their money for charities. Janet also said that Serpentine is also a big donor to Emily as well.”

Natasha explained,

“Now that is something. I think I have to agree with Romanoff on this one. There’s no way she’s not mixed into all this.” Sharon agreed, as she wrote everything down.

Natasha let a small smirk grace her features at the small victory.

“Maybe, but I still don’t think she’s the mastermind. Just because the charities are in her name, doesn’t mean she’s the one driving.” Steve reiterated, holding fast to his own theories. “There’s still history between Henry and Richard and it is possible that Henry knew Richard and maybe their wives made introductions or whatever. There’s a million different possibilities to consider.”

“True, but in our line of work coincidences are too often mistaken. Best to believe there’s no such thing.” Natasha pointed out.

“And while I agree with that, we do need to consider everything. This sounds like it’s becoming much bigger than anticipated.” Sharon deduced, a slight worry of her lip as she took in the information. “Emily, what else do we know about her?”

“Nothing, other than what SHIELD has on her and what I’ve been told by Janet. Old money, that’s about it. Emily did, however, extend an invitation out to me and the girls to join her and a few of the other moms to their playdates on Thursday’s. Something Janet’s been kept from. She told me Emily’s picky about who she lets in and that is another reason for me to suspect she’s more involved than we know.”

“Okay, good, you got an in. Anything else? What about the Hastings?”

“What about them?” Steve asked cautiously.

“Well, we know little about them. Not to mention things seem off. Director Fury filled me in up to last week’s incident, but it all seems…”

“Sloppy?” Natasha finished, and Sharon nodded. “I found a letter from Melissa addressed to whoever was to take the girls. It seems like they knew SHIELD was coming for them and they let it happen.”

“Why didn’t you mention this sooner? Your covers could be blown, who’s to say they didn’t alert Rhino Tech?” Sharon asked in disbelief.

“Because if they are, then it’s a little late. Might as well stay in to get as much as possible. From what I can tell though, I don’t think they said anything. They seemed to be scared of Rhino Tech or at least uncomfortable with their decision. Not to mention snitching would put a target on their daughter’s heads and I don’t see them doing that. They took the bullets to insure silence.”

“Alright, say they did, this still doesn’t add up.”

“No, it doesn’t, but it adds up more than it did last week so I say it’s a start.”

It was true. While they still had a thousand questions, it was slowly starting to make sense and she had a feeling after next Thursday it would all make sense.

“Alright, next question, who is this Janet woman?”

“Ah, that would be Janet DiStefano, lives next door with her husband Donny and their son Kayson. Nosy and talkative, but insightful. Donny also works for Rhino Tech in the Engineering department.” Steve informed, leaning back in his chair.

“You’ll see a lot of her, she comes by a lot so don’t be surprised when she gets curious about the new car in the driveway.” Natasha knew it was only a matter of time before Janet would get curious.

“Doesn’t seem like she’ll be too much different than any other lonely mom looking for a friend.”

“I think she’s got it,” Natasha said, getting up from the table. She had other things she wanted to get done today other than fill Sharon in.

“I guess I should get the bed from the garage then. Maybe you should acquaint yourself with Lexi, she doesn’t take too kindly to new faces, even ones she’s seen before.” Steve warned, getting up.

“She was quiet when I met her, but I can’t imagine she’s that difficult,” Sharon said, not seeming overly worried.

Natasha and Steve exchanged a look before shrugging.

“Than do you mind keeping an eye on her while I get some wash done?”

“Sure.” Sharon agreed.

Steve and Natasha left the room leaving Sharon to tend to Lexi. She turned around to find the girl standing at the edge of the living room, arms crossed and face set in glower.

“Or not…”

* * *

 

Natasha grabbed her laptop from the bedroom taking it with her into the laundry room. She logged on using her SHIELD ID and started sorting while she waited for Nick to pick up. The man never took a day off, so she knew he would answer.

“Agent Romanoff.”

Natasha looked up at the screen, her face set in a glower as she stared down the Director before resuming her task.

“You know, I thought we had a deal Nick.”

“We did, still do,”

Natasha laughed at that, tossing some things into the washer.

“You had to have known Steve wouldn’t be able to handle reporting to you on me, so why even try?”

Fury shrugged leaning back into his chair,

“Why try and hide anything. We both know your struggles.”

She eyed him carefully,

“And yet you still send me out here. Risk everything to send in Agent 13 in the process.”

“Agent 13 was always going to join you two.”

Natasha scoffed at that.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night Nick.”

“Your upset, I understand that, but you also agreed to be candid with me.”

Natasha sighed, closing the washer and leaning into it as she faced the director.

“You have no idea what I am. I don’t know what you think to gain out of this Nick, but I sure hope it’s worth it because it’s one thing to mess with me or Steve, but you have now attached us to two little girls who already lost their parents. I have a two-year-old with PTSD, and an infant with a failing heart. You are messing with things you will never understand.”

Natasha was seething, doing her best to keep her temper at bay as she leaned forward against the counter.

“You want me to be candid with you? Alright here it is: _You_ broke rules that _we_ set in place for a reason. So yeah, I’m gonna have issues. I’m gonna have a hard time not seeing her eyes when I close mine. I always will, there’s no avoiding that. But _you_ placed those girls into _our_ custody regardless, so, here’s the deal. As long as they are our responsibility, you will tell me _everything_ about who’s after them, about what really happened to their parents and you _will_ inform me of _anyone_ who becomes involved in this mission. My ignorance, my _acceptance,_ of blind orders is what got me into this situation to begin with and I refuse to let it happen again.”

The Director stared back, and she could see the fury simmering beneath his eye,

“And if I refuse?”

Natasha’s eyes flashed,

“There’s only one thing Black Widows are more protective of than their jobs. Go ahead, test me.”

“You’d really do that? You know that wouldn’t be in your favor,” Nick challenged, and she smirked,

“Like I said, it stopped being about me the minute you handed them over. I don’t care what I have to do. If it means I can guarantee their safety, I’ll burn everything to the ground if that’s what it takes. You have a choice to make, Nick…I really hope you make the right one.”

Natasha closed the chat, slamming the laptop shut and taking a heaving breath before returning to her task.

* * *

_Tuesday_

Natasha sat at the kitchen table with Sharon as the other woman had insisted on helping her look through the information she’d gotten about all of Emily Dunhill’s charities. For the most part, Sharon had been quiet, keeping her focus on the girls and trying to connect with Lexi. Yesterday she’d asked yesterday to look at the letter Melissa had left along with the journals and Natasha decided it was best for her to only look at what she’d gone through herself thus far. The hospital had already called to confirm the surgery with her and they were to be at the hospital by eight for a ten-thirty start time. It only put her more on edge as she realized how fast this was approaching.

She heard someone pull into the driveway and not two minutes later the front door opened, and Lexi went bounding out into the hallway.

“Hey,” Steve greeted as he came into site with Lexi hugging tight to his neck.

“Hey, shouldn’t you be at work?” Natasha asked him, and he shrugged,

“Dunhill sent me home. Said he didn’t think there was any reason for me to stay the whole day when I could just work from here.”

Natasha nodded slightly, not quite buying what he was selling, but decided to let it go for now.

“Okay, just make sure to turn on the firewall so they don’t hack us.”

“I will, come on monkey,” Steve said, tickling Lexi to try to get her to let go. The little girl letting out a squeal.

Natasha hid her smile as she went back to the information at hand, feeling a little better at seeing him interact with Lexi. Now, if only Lexi could react to Sharon like that. Oh well, one battle at a time she guessed.

* * *

 

It was safe to say Natasha had officially given up on sleeping. Having Sharon in the house put her on edge enough, but Nick had yet to respond and that made her nervous. She’d given him an ultimatum and knowing Nick she was surprised he hadn’t called Sharon to have her arrested.

Natasha heard the baby monitor crackle slightly before Ellie’s cries came through. She pushed the covers aside before padding down the hallway. The little girl cried harder as Natasha lifted her from the crib.

“Shh, it’s okay baby girl. It’s okay,” Natasha soothed as she sat down in the rocker. The one-time Ellie has a decent appetite and of course they couldn’t feed her. It pained her to see the little girl so upset, so she relaxed as she started to hum.

“Days feel harder, night grows longer

Summer says its goodbyes

In darkness’ cover, we find shelter

Our own place to hide”

Natasha sung as Ellie began to quiet down some, finding her thumb.

“Oh as the light goes out

Thoughts turn to angels over us

Oh as the night comes in

Dreams start their drifting and you hear a lullaby

Lullaby

You and I

Trees touch windows say their hellos

Hear this house as it settles in

Worry slips away it don’t know your name

It don’t know where to find us

Oh as the light goes out

Thoughts turn to angels over us

Oh as the night comes in

Dreams start their drifting and you hear a lullaby

A lullaby

You and I, you and I”

Natasha pressed a kiss to Ellie’s head as she gently laid the girl back down in her crib. Natasha walked back down the hall, softly closing the door as she slipped back inside.

“You should sing more often,” Natasha looked over her shoulder to see Steve was wide awake.

“How did you…?”

Steve pointed to the baby monitor and she wanted to smack herself for asking such a stupid question. She climbed back into the bed, leaning back against the headboard.

“Sorry if I woke you.”

“Kind of requires being asleep to begin with,” Steve replied, sitting up. “Can’t sleep?”

“I keep going over the procedure in my head, I know it like the back of my hand. I’ve been over the doctor’s files, the nurses, even the janitors and it’s not helping.” She always did this before a mission. Double then triple checked everything and it always put her mind at ease. Well almost always.

“We talked about this, remember?”

Natasha sighed, remembering their conversation after their first visit to the hospital.

“I know, I’m a control freak without any control and major trust issues.”

“Well yeah, but, Nat, we just have to be there. It’s hard, we can’t always have control over what happens, but we can be there.”

Natasha took a deep breath nodding, knowing he was right. He reached out and she moved closer to him. She could feel the tension in his body; he was just as unsure about this as she was and somehow that made her feel a little more at ease. She couldn’t imagine going through this without him.

* * *

Steve had been awake for a while by the time she’d woken at about quarter to five. They both stayed in bed a little while longer, knowing as soon as they stepped foot out of bed they were going to have to face the day.

The alarm they’d set sounded and she reached over turning it off, before wordlessly slipping out of bed. She stepped into the shower letting the water sooth her mind. She needed to be at the top of her game today, couldn’t let herself fall apart again like she had the last time. It was just a place, she had to focus on Ellie and only Ellie. Not herself, not her feelings, not Sharon, not Fury, _Ellie._

When she stepped out of the shower Steve was brushing his teeth and she headed out into the room to go change. She went comfortable as the hospital website had advised. Placing a sweatshirt next to her bag, along with one for Steve just in case. She packed his sketch book and pencil case along with her notebook, though she wasn’t sure either of them would feel like it. And a few other things to keep them sane.

“Think you got everything?” Steve asked her, and she nodded.

“Yeah, uh, think she’ll fall back asleep if we wake her? I don’t want to scare her if she wakes up and we’re both gone.”

“Yeah, come on,” Steve said, extending his hand to her as they walked down the hall to Lexi’s room.

Natasha knelt next to the bed gently rubbing Lexi’s arm. The girl stirred blinking sleepily.

“Hey, Baby Girl, we have to take Ellie to the doctors today remember? So, you’re going to be staying here with Kate today, okay.” Lexi nodded, her eyes barely open, “Go back to sleep, we’ll be back soon.”

Natasha kissed her forehead before closing the door to let her get more sleep. Steve got Ellie dressed while she packed up a few things she’d need while she was in the hospital. By the time they got downstairs Sharon was already awake. She gave them a small unsure smile.

“You guys got everything?”

They both nodded,

“Yeah, uh, Lexi’s asleep, we said goodbye, she was pretty out of it, so, don’t be surprised if she’s pissed when she gets up. Ellie’s due to go in at ten-thirty so one of us will call you when she’s out of surgery. We left Lexi’s car seat in the garage for you in case you need to go anywhere or there’s a park down the road if she’s about ready to burst with energy. Signals not too good in the hospital, but if you need anything text one of us, it’s easier than trying to call.”

Natasha tried to think of anything else there was, but Sharon gave her arm a squeeze.

“I got this, go,”

She nodded before she could stop herself, taking her bag.

She sat in the back with Ellie as Steve drove into the city. Ellie fussed a little but stayed asleep for most of the trip. They parked at the main hospital and that same sinking feel returned. Steve turned around taking their bags as she got Ellie out of the car. They walked through the garage joining a few others as they got into the elevator.

They were given their badges and sent a few more floors up to the OR level and sat waiting again. Ellie was fussy as she sat in her lap and she wondered if the babe knew what was coming. A nurse finally came for them and led them back to pre-op where beds lined the way, all full of kids ranging in ages and nervous parents.

The nurse gave them a gown for Ellie to wear and small socks before leaving them. She got Ellie changed and it only heightened the girls fussing. Steve looked a little helpless as she walked Ellie around the small space trying to calm her down before she got over worked. She calmed a few minutes later, and Natasha sat down on the bed.

The nurse came back in to place the IV and wrapped Ellie’s hand, so she couldn’t move it or disturb the IV’s placement. Natasha held onto her and felt Steve’s hand wrapped tightly in hers as his other hand ran up and down her back. It was an awfully intimate gesture; one she’d normally shrug off, but she knew there wasn’t any use in trying to hide how shaken she was. She could see the tension in his body and he clearly benefited from having some form of physical contact.

Dr. Brighton came by to check Ellie’s vitals, along with three different anesthesiologists. By the time the hour rolled around Ellie was content enough, seeming to have settled into her surroundings. She and Steve didn’t talk much, if at all, as they waited and waited until Dr. Brighton returned,

“Alright, we’re ready for her now. As we discussed, we’ll give her something to calm her before taking her back, Mrs. Hastings…”

Natasha knew what she was asking, and she nodded, holding Ellie a little tighter as the anesthesiologist inserted the medication. They’d done this once before, but only general, this was surgical, she watched Ellie’s heartrate calm before placing her on the bed. Steve held her hand as they followed next to the gurney.

“I’m afraid this is as far as you can go. Lisa will show you both out to the waiting area and I’ll be by once we are finished and Eleanor has been moved to recovery,” Dr. Brighton informed them.

They both nodded kissing Ellie’s head before watching the doors close.

_It’ll be okay…_

_She’ll be okay…_

_God please let her be okay._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE!  
> Anyways I'm off to go ball my eyes out! Let me know what you think!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!!  
> I would have posted this sooner but I got to talking with people (you know who you are) and then next thing I knew it was three hours later.  
> Anyways we've got a lot going on emotion wise in this chapter so prepare yourself.
> 
> WARNING: I get descriptive with my visuals of post-surgical procedures so please be advised.

_Three hours, seventeen minutes._

Natasha felt herself getting antsy. They’d been sitting here for three hours now and haven’t heard anything about Ellie or how the surgery was going. She supposed that was a good thing, but she wasn’t sure how much more she could take. Reading wasn’t helping ease her mind at all and she could feel the tension radiating off Steve. Even worse, she’d caught him looking to the door more than once. He wouldn’t say it, but he wanted to be anywhere but here, and she couldn’t imagine why. She hated hospitals more than anyone, but there was no way she was leaving until she had her eyes on Ellie.

“Hey uh, why don’t we go get something to eat?” Steve suggested, finally speaking up.

She looked up from her book raising an eyebrow. _Was he seriously suggesting they go get something to eat right now?_ The look on her face must have conveyed her thoughts, as Steve sunk back down in his seat.

“Never mind.”

She shook her head, “No if you’re hungry, go get something.”

“I’m fine, she’ll be done soon anyways,” Steve answered back, almost clipped.

“Just go!” Natasha snapped, scowling at him, waiting for him to test her more. He looked like he wanted to say something, instead he stood up shaking his head.

“Let me know if anything changes.”

She watched him walk out of the waiting room, her blood boiling. She let out a frustrated sigh, tossing her book to the side and closing her eyes.

“First surgery?”

Natasha looked up to see a woman in her early forties sitting across from her. She looked comfortable where she sat, a big sweater on and her greying black hair pulled into a bun. Natasha nodded.

“That obvious?”

The woman smiled a little,

“When you’ve been in and out of here as much as I have you pick up on it.” She responded.

“And you?”

The woman sighed,

“I’ve lost count. Can’t say I’ll miss this place when it’s finally over.” She looked around with a fond look in her eyes, before gesturing to the chair next to her. Natasha moved her book, so the woman could sit down. “I’m Dona,”

Natasha accepted her hand hesitantly,

“Melissa,”

“Nice to meet you Melissa, what are you in for?”

Natasha raised an eyebrow at the woman’s forwardness.

“Sorry, like I said, been at this a while so I forget to not be so forward.”

“My daughter, Tetra Fallout. So only one more hopefully.” Natasha told her, and she nodded.

“That’s a rare one, my son, was born down two chambers and a hole between the only two functioning ones. It’s been a series of surgeries ever since.”

Natasha wasn’t sure how to respond to that. How did one respond to that?

“I don’t think I could do that.”

“You’d be amazed at things you can do. Especially with help.”

Natasha could tell she was hinting to Steve. Dona had been here when they’d come in and she hadn’t seen anyone with her.

“Here by yourself?”

Dona nodded slowly.

“Well I’m not all by myself, just until Billy gets out of surgery.” She had a bit of sadness in her gaze, “He’s all I got left. What can I say? People handle it differently, some can’t handle it at all. But it’s how you handle yourself at the end of the day that really matters.”

“Ms. Philips?” A doctor called from the door.

“See you around Melissa,” Dona smiled, patting her arm before collecting her things and following the doctor.

Natasha sighed, Ellie wasn’t going anywhere. It was only a few floors and Steve seemed off. _People handle it differently_. She got up stuffing her book into her bag before informing the nurses station she was going to get something to eat.

She took the elevator down to the ground floor, following the signs to the cafeteria. She slowed down when she saw the chapel doors off to her right. The faint outline of a man catching her eye,

_Natasha sighed looking down at Irina’s latest mathematics exam. She was behind, and Natasha knew The Captain was being more than lenient with her studies. If this kept up, the girl could kiss any hopes of joining the Bolshoi goodbye._

_Making her way down to the study, Natasha came upon Olga as she was cleaning the windows._

_“Ms. Natalia,” Olga greeted, as Natasha descended onto the second-floor landing, she straightened._

_“Have you seen the Captain? I need to discuss Irina’s latest exam with him.” Olga nodded to the east window._

_“He’s in the church,” Olga replied with slight distaste as she went back to her work._

_Natasha nodded, continuing down the stairs. Religious. Her superiors were just going to love that. It at least made finding him easier as there was only one church within hours of the house. She left the house going down the trail leading into the town before coming up on the old church. She would never understand how people could put their faith in something they couldn’t see or prove. Entering through the church doors she could see a few people inside._

_She looked around the dimly lit church until her gaze fell upon the back of the Captain’s head. He was kneeling between the pews as held he something in his hands and she quietly slipped down beside him._

_“I didn’t know you were religious.” The Captain commented as he looked up to meet her gaze._

_“Oh, I’m not, but apparently you are.” Natasha answered, and he shrugged,_

_“I wouldn’t say I’m the most faithful follower, but it does lend way to an odd sense of peace…especially now.”_

_Natasha hummed, but still couldn’t see the appeal._

_“Your father, was he religious as well?”_

_“He said he was, but I’m not too terribly convinced. My mother though, she was a believer. Honestly, the only reason I attend anymore is for Irina’s sake. It’s what she would have wanted.”_

_Guilt, the most powerful of emotions besides love. It always amazed her what people would do when the two emotions collided, and yet this seemed somehow reasonable._

_“Just because it was what she would have done, does not mean it’s what you should do.” Natasha reminded, hoping to maybe sway his opinion. Sadly, it seemed he was sticking to it._

_“Well, after the fifth governess stormed out, I came here and asked the Lord to send someone and then you came knocking on our door.”_

_Natasha raised an eyebrow._

_“Perhaps you were simply premature in your assumption that no one was coming.”_

_He nodded, a smirk forming on his lips,_

_“You are quite the pessimist Ms. Natalia.”_

_“I’m a realist, Captain, and if that makes me a pessimist then so be it. The way I see it, if it’s meant to happen than it will, no god or man can change it.”_

_“If you ask me, it seems like an excuse people use to accept the things that they cannot control.”_

_“And you praying to a God you have never met isn’t?”_

_A smirk crossed his features,_

_“I never said it wasn’t.”_

_Natasha smiled slightly shaking her head, as the Captain stood from his place offering her his hand,_

_“Now I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.” The Captain told her as they left the church._

_“Sir, we need to discuss-” The Captain held up his hand and it took everything she had not to smack it._

_“Please, call me Nikolai, and I’m sure whatever it is, we can discuss it over lunch.” Nikolai added, as he tried to prolong what he knew was going to be bad news. Natasha took a deep breath, deciding it was best to let him fool himself._

_“Alright, but only if you let me choose. Your taste in food is awful.”_

_Nikolai smiled, holding out his hand, “Deal.”_

 

“Nat?”

Natasha snapped out of her head, finding Steve was watching her intently from where he sat up front. She walked up, taking a seat beside him.

“I’m sorry,” Natasha spoke, her voice bouncing off the walls of the empty chapel like bells.

“It’s okay,” Steve replied quietly, not looking to her.

“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just…I don’t know how to handle this and when I saw your reactions it just made me so angry. It’s like you want to be anywhere but here.”

“That’s because I don’t want to be here.” Steve admitted, meeting her gaze.

She felt like a weight was dropped on her, as she looked away from him.

“Nat-”

“No, you didn’t ask for this, I dragged you into it.”

“Nat, that’s not-”

“You don’t need to explain-”

“Stop! Just shut up for one second and listen!” Natasha froze at Steve’s harsh tone, pain in his eyes as he stared back at her. He watched her for a few moments seeming to gage whether she’d continue before slumping back into the pew. She took a breath, deciding to leave before either one of them said anything to make things worse. She stopped though, seeing the tear slip down his cheek. She realized then that there was something very wrong here.

“Steve…”

“I thought I could handle this because I’ve been there, but…it’s just all that much harder. I wanna be there but I can’t, and I don’t understand. My Ma…she did it. She sat there, and all I can think is why can’t I?”

Natasha felt her heart clench realizing just where his head was. She tucked her feet under her as she turned to face him.

“Steve, taking care of a child…one your supposed to consider your own…you never want for them to go through what you did. Or anything for that matter. What you’re going through, that fear, that panic…that’s normal. Especially for someone whose gone through more than any one person should. And as far as your mother is concerned…like you told me, that was her way of helping with the pain,” Natasha said, leaning her head against her hand where it was propped on the back of the pew.

“Still…I thought I was…” Steve seemed to cut himself off as he buried his face in his hands. She reached out running her hand up and down his back.

“You thought you were what Steve?” Natasha asked, trying to encourage him to continue. He shook his head, sitting back up.

“Stronger.”

Natasha eyed him carefully as he seemed to have put some pieces back together. Like he’d almost slipped…

“Steve you are one of the strongest people I know,” Natasha assured,

“Really? I’m an adult, I’m Captain America and I’ve already bitten your head off, and feel like running away right now.”

Natasha took a deep breath, taking his chin in her hands and forcing him to look at her.

“And I’m the worlds most feared assassin who fears her own mind…who cares more about what others think than she’s willing to admit. Who has limits but forgets them because that’s what people expect. Only to crack when those limits are pushed,” Natasha admitted, trying to figure out how they’d gotten here. How she’d gotten to this point of uncertainty in her life.

“Did something happen?” Steve asked her, taking her hand but not moving it.

“I may have done something potentially damaging.” Steve furrowed his brow, clearly confused.

“Nat?”

Natasha sighed taking her hand back to run it through her hair,

“I called Fury and I may or may not have threatened him,” Natasha answered, mumbling the last part. Sadly, he still heard.

“I’m sorry…” Steve took a breath trying to figure out whether to laugh or panic, “What do you mean you threatened him?”

Natasha shrugged, looking at him.

“He crossed some very strict lines Steve.”

Steve balked at her,

“He’s a spy Nat! I’m pretty sure that’s half the job!”

“Steve, there are some things he agreed to when I started working for SHIELD. Things he promised he’d never do and _this_ , sending us into this, is one of them. Then he goes on and sends Sharon in and I just snapped.”

Steve let out a frustrated sigh, scrubbing his face.

“How bad?” Steve asked, looking to her. She hesitated,

“Pretty bad…I may have threatened to expose what was going on if he continued to keep things from us.”

Steve’s eyes widened, and the pain was now replaced with panic.

“So, treason?”

“Well…we may have to find a new country to live in but…”

Steve held up his hand, stopping her.

“Nat, why would you do that?”

“He crossed a line Steve…he expects us to protect these girls when we only know half the story. Who knows what else there is. I told him he tells us everything or that’s it. At the end of the day, Steve, if we get caught, that’s on us. SHIELD has every right to deny even knowing of our existence if we’re caught by Rhino Tech, by the authorities. Steve, if we don’t do this right, we could go down with Rhino Tech and then spend the rest of our lives in prison.”

She saw flash of fear and disbelief cross Steve’s eyes and it made her feel even more uneasy.

“SHIELD wouldn’t do that…would they?”

“Steve…” Natasha started taking his hand. There was no good way of saying it. “they’d rather loose us, then let us become a liability. Hell, I don’t even know how we’re supposed to go about extraction.”

Steve’s face fell as the realization sank in.

“He hasn’t told you?”

She shook her head.

“Now do you understand what we’re really dealing with here? There are more scenarios where we get screwed over then where we don’t…one actually. That is, of course, if knowing everything doesn’t complicate things more.”

“You think it could uncomplicate things?”

She shrugged,

“I think if we want to be what these girls need right now, then we need to know. As for the other things…I don’t know.” It was the truth, a painful one, but then again, if the truth was pain free she’d be out of the job.

Steve let out a heavy sigh sinking back into the pew.

“This is all, of course, assuming Fury cooperates, and you don’t let everything out.”

“Yes.”

“Nat…” Steve shook his head, still not convinced, and she tightened her hold on his hand.

“I know it’s a risk Steve; but I just can’t continue doing this mission without it.”

“But you could risk the girl’s lives by exposing it?”

She hadn’t thought about that, but it didn’t matter. Fury would agree with her…he had to.

“He’ll agree.”

“Nat,” Steve warned, but she refused to listen.

“He’ll agree. He has too.”

“I want to think that Nat…I really do, but you have to give me something here. Proof that he’s not willing to let that happen.”

“Because he saw what happened the last time people thought they could keep things from me and let me take the fall. There’s a reason SHIELD made me an ally and not a prisoner.”

Steve sighed shaking his head. “I really hope your right.”

She smiled a little, the tension in her shoulders easing just enough to be noticeable.

“Thank you.”

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Steve asked with a small smile of his own.

She laughed nodding,

“You have no idea.”

Natasha heard the door open behind them and they looked back to see one of the nurses walk in.

“Mr. and Mrs. Hastings?”

They quickly stood, rounding the pew.

“Is she alright-” Natasha began to ask, but the nurse stopped her, smiling,

“She’s fine. They’re moving her to recovery now, if you’ll follow me.”

They both nodded following the nurse back upstairs.

Walking along the opposite hallway from where they started, Natasha already recognized a few of the faces from earlier. Most of the curtains pulled shut. They moved aside as a child was being transported to what she assumed would be a room. The nurse stopped, pulling the curtain aside and let them into the alcove.

Natasha stopped, her grip tightening painfully where it was still entwined with Steve’s. She knew it would rough. Knew it would look worse that it was…but none of that prepared her for seeing Ellie like this. Hooked up to various monitors and a respirator, as she laid motionless, eyes taped shut and tiny body wrapped in yellowing gauze. If it weren’t for the steady beat of the monitor and respirator…

She felt someone touch her arm and moved aside to let the nurse through as she checked Ellie’s vitals, taking out a syringe as she administered something into the IV connected to the Port in Ellie’s chest. Natasha had forgotten they were going to insert one while in surgery to make administering her medication easier. It was now another thing to add to their list of things to worry about.

Steve squeezed her hand, drawing her attention as he gently pulled her forward. She uprooted her feet from the ground as they walked up to the crib. Natasha felt like her chest was being twisted as she gripped the railing. She wanted to reach out and hold her, but she knew she couldn’t move her without causing damage. Instead, she reached out, brushing back a few blonde wisps of hair, her breath ragged as she tried to calm her shaking hands.

“She’s okay?” Natasha asked, and the nurse nodded.

“She did good. She’ll be on the respirator until the anesthesia wears off and she’s able to breathe on her own again, but she’ll have to be sedated for most of her stay to avoid disturbing her sutures. Dr. Brighton will come down to check on her when she’s moved out of recovery.”

_…breathe on her own…_

Natasha nodded sharply as she felt Steve’s grip on her hip tighten. The nurse left them, and she left out a shuddering breath as Steve guided her to sit down on the chair beside the bed. He knelt down in front of her as she focused on her breathing, rubbing her hands on her leggings.

“She’s okay, Nat.”

“She’s not breathing on her own.”

“That’s normal. You know that. It’s only temporarily. Her heart restarted, that’s the good part, okay. Focus on that.”

She gripped her thighs, nodding as she let out a harsh breath.

“I’m going to kill him for this.”

“No, you’re not, come here.” He pulled her into his arms, letting her hide her face in his neck. She was ashamed to say she couldn’t look at Ellie without feeling sick. But she forced her eyes forward, at the little girl, her breath calming as she watched Ellie’s eye flutter slightly like she was dreaming.

_She’s okay…_

_She’s okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?  
> I'm sure I have more to say to this but It's late so I can't remember.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, I had this ready on Friday but couldn't get it out till now.  
> If you thought last chapter was heavy this is worse.  
> That being said WARNING: Contains medical procedures being preformed on tiny humans and unwanted medical procedures are discussed along with child torture. The last parts nothing graphic just mentioned. But there's also a tidbit about child murders so be advised. Yeah this went places.

“So, everything went according to plan?”

Steve nodded even though he knew Sharon couldn’t see him. He’d stepped out of the room after Ellie’s respirator had been removed to call Sharon and give her the update. Natasha had seemed to calm down some from earlier, though she was still shaken. He was pretty shaken himself; their talk in the chapel only adding to his concerns.

“Thankfully. They just moved her upstairs so we should be meeting with Dr. Brighton soon. She’ll determine if the respirator can be removed yet or not; but her vitals are stable, so that’s good. How’s Lexi?” Steve asked, trying to take his mind off Ellie for a moment.

“She’s okay. Not happy about waking up to me, but she hasn’t been much trouble. We’re at the park right now, do you want to talk to her?”

Steve debated it for a moment, but he’d see her later that night since he had to go to work the next day. Steve’s phone buzzed, and he saw a text from Natasha telling him Dr. Brighton was upstairs.

“I’ll see her when I get home. Look the doctor’s upstairs, I should get going, but thank you.”

“It’s not a problem,”

Steve hung up with Sharon going back upstairs to Ellie’s room. Dr. Brighton was standing at a computer terminal seeming to look over some things as Natasha sat next to Ellie’s crib.

“Hi, sorry,” Steve said entering the room.

Dr. Brighton smiled,

“It’s alright, I needed to finish filling out a few things.” She finished up on the computer before turning her full attention to them.

“So…all in all, the surgery went well, and without complications. Her vitals are good, and she’s taking over her own breathing, we can remove the respirator, but we are going to have to insert an NG tube since we’ll have to keep her sedated for a day or two to help with the pain and to keep her from disturbing the sutures. Someone will also come up and fit her for a brace, so she doesn’t hurt herself when she goes home.”

Steve let out breath, relieved to hear she was breathing on her own now. Dr. Brighton walked around to Ellie as Natasha moved over towards him, giving her and the nurse space to move. He noticed she kept her eyes focused on the floor as Dr. Brighton took out the respirator and checked Ellie’s sutures.

“Everything looks good. I’ll check on her again later tonight before I leave, but do either of you have any questions?”

Natasha shook her head, looking to him and he shook his.

“No, thank you, again,”

Brighton gave them a warm smile,

“Of course. Get some rest, eat something and if you think of any questions later, feel free to ask any of the nurses or to call me.”

They both nodded as Dr. Brighton left them, closing the door behind her. Natasha sighed going back over to Ellie.

“Were you able to get ahold of Sharon?”

“Yeah, she was at the park with Lexi. She seemed to have things under control. I can stay here tonight-”

She shook her head sharply,

“No…it’s okay. Besides you have to go into Rhino Tech tomorrow. The hard parts over, for right now at least, I’ll be fine.”

“Just making sure.” Steve said, walking over to stand next to her. “You know your going to have to give Fury an update, right?”

Natasha sighed running a hand through her hair.

“I’ll update him.”

Steve sighed, taking a seat on the bed they’d brought in for Natasha to use. She was so determined, and he wanted to believe she was right, that Fury would agree, but from his experience with the man, he didn’t negotiate let alone take orders. He looked around the room, his eyes landing on Ellie as she slept. He’d been a bit of a jerk earlier. Letting his emotions take over.

“I’m sorry too.”

Natasha turned, a frown on her face.

“What?”

“About yelling at you earlier,” Steve added. She nodded slowly seeming to catch on.

“I think it’s safe to say we’re both struggling right now.”

“Still doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, but you apologized so it is now,” Natasha looked down at her watch and frowned, “You should get going if you want to get back to the house at a decent hour.”

Steve sighed, checking the time. Leaving the city was going to be a nightmare, but he didn’t feel right about leaving her here.

“Nat are you sure-” She frowned, giving him a pointed look, telling him this was non-negotiable.

“I’ll be okay. If I need anything I’ll call you.”

He nodded, standing up,

“I’ll stop by tomorrow after work…you sure I can’t get you anything before I leave?”

Natasha smiled, standing up and walking with him to the door.

“I’m okay. I’ll see you tomorrow,” She pressed a kiss to his cheek, hugging him.

Traffic was as awful as he suspected it would be. He barely had one foot in the door before Lexi was on him, gripping his leg. He looked up to see Sharon, hands on her hips as she shook her head at Lexi. Guess it hadn’t been as smooth sailing as he’d hoped.

“Hey Monkey,” Steve said prying the girl from his leg. She looked over his shoulder and frowned,

“Mommy?”

“She’s at the hospital with Ellie remember?” Steve said, getting the door closed, and walking further into the house.

“Why?”

“Because Ellie’s heart was getting some work done today.”

“Why Mama stay?”

“Well, you wouldn’t want to be there by yourself, would you?”

She shook her head, and he gave her a soft smile.

“Were you good for Kate?”

“Yes.”

He looked over to Sharon who shrugged, exasperation clearly taking over. He’d have to ask about that later, but right now it was getting late and Lexi needed to get ready for bed.

“Okay, well it’s getting close to bed time, so why don’t we get you a bath-”

“She had one earlier.” Sharon cut in and he raised an eyebrow before mouthing, “I’ll tell you later.”

_Oh boy,_

“Okay, how about those teephers huh?” She giggled at his wording, smiling bright, showing him her teeth.

“I told her if she wanted to spend time with you before bed she needed to be ready before you got home.”

“Well if that’s all done…” Lexi smiled, wiggling out of his arms and dragging him off to the living room.

* * *

“She’s asleep.” Steve said coming into the kitchen.

Lexi held out on bedtime as long as she could before she finally gave in at a quarter to nine. Natasha was going to kill him if she ever found out he let Lexi stay up that late, but he felt really bad about leaving her here. He’d be up early tomorrow to get into Rhino Tech, so he could leave early to go to the hospital and Lexi would be in bed (hopefully) by the time he’d get back from the hospital. She wouldn’t see either of them till the next evening since visiting hours at the hospital were now constricted due to the impeding flu season either.

“How have you guys been doing this for an entire month…” Sharon commented as she put away the last of the dishes.

“Well, it’s gotten easier,” Steve reassured, and she laughed at that. “So, do I want to know what happened earlier?”

“Oh, right, that…” Sharon said, leaning back against the counter, “well, when we were at the park earlier, there was mud and I told her to stay away from it…”

“And she jumped into it?” Steve finished knowing where this was going.

“Jumped, sat, rolled. I cleaned as much of her car seat as I could, but I’m sure it’s going to need more than a few wet wipes.”

Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. _Nat was going to be pissed._

“Is that _all_ she did?” Steve asked hoping this was the end of the story.

“She was difficult, but not more than a normal two-year-old.” Sharon assured. Steve nodded relieved. He knew they were going to have to do something about Lexi, but he wanted to talk with Natasha about it first.

“Sorry, just give her time, she’ll grow to…tolerate you…hopefully.” Sharon chuckled, smiling softly,

“Well that’s all I can hope for I guess.”

Steve nodded,

“Anyways, how did Ellie do?” Sharon asked changing the subject.

“Good, she’s breathing on her own and the incision’s clean so far no sign of reactions or infections, but it hasn’t been twenty-four hours either.”

Sharon shook her head,

“Well at least she’s off to a good start. She’s a strong girl,”

“She is.” Steve agreed.

For someone so small, she already had a lot of fight in her. He just prayed the events in her life never smothered that fight.

“It’s been a long day, I’m going to call it a night, you should do the same.”

Steve laughed a little nodding, “That it has, good night.”

“Night,” Sharon gave him a small smile before going to her room.

Steve let a long sigh as he climbed the stares back to his room. He got changed, and as he slipped into bed he realized this would be the first night in a month he’s slept alone. The realization shouldn’t make him feel like something was missing. Natasha was at the hospital with Ellie, and the guilt struck him harder than the emptiness as he wondered if she was okay.

* * *

Natasha picked at the salad one of the staff members had given her when making the rounds. She really wasn’t hungry. Mostly drained, and on edge. She looked to the crib to see Ellie move a little. It killed her to see Ellie like this, but the color was returning to her cheeks and it helped to see her without the respirator breathing for her. It gave a little more confidence that things would be okay. There was a knock on the door and she looked up to see one of the nurses standing in the doorway,

“Mrs. Hastings, I’m sorry to bother you, but I need to change Ellie’s dressings and administer her medication.”

“Of course, come in.” Natasha set her food down as the nurse came in pulling a small cart with her.

“So, there’s a few things your going to want to take note of,” The nurse started, looking to her. She frowned slightly before remembering that she was going to have to do this after they left the hospital. She stood standing next to the older woman.

“The port is very easy to take care of when done on a regular basis. All you need to do is flush it out with saline after use and secure it when bathing. We’ll send you home with everything you need. It’ll be a kit just like the one I have here, and her medications will be in pre-dispensed dosages, so all you have to do is first take an alcohol pad, cleanse the head of the port, check the syringe then attach it like so by twisting secure and slowly inject. Always check the syringe for air before insertion and when your done, simply toss it into a medical waste container that will be provided for you. We’ll also set up a time for someone to pick it up. Alright, now you,”

“What?” Natasha asked dumbly, as the nurse held out the syringe expectantly. _They wanted her to do this now?_ They’d be here another few days, couldn’t it wait?

The nurse nodded slowly, “This one is just saline,”

“You can’t just hook her back up to the bag?”

The nurse gave her a sympathetic smile, shaking her head.

“I will, but that’s a slow drip. Cleaning it requires a little more push. I know it’s scary, but we like to teach the parents how to properly administer medication as soon as possible so that we can supervise and ensure it’s being done correctly before you go home. When your husband comes back, we’ll go over it with him as well.”

“Good to know,” Natasha muttered, taking the syringe with a shaky hand. The plastic syringe felt cool to the touch and she mentally cursed, as she tried to calm her nerves.

“Alright, your going to want to unscrew the cap and check the syringe for air bubbles, tap the side to see if there’s any in the tip you can’t see,”

Natasha held up the syringe carefully tapping the side to get rid of the air. She’s done this more than she could count. Mostly because of Clint; for a guy called Hawkeye he sure manages to get hit a lot.

“Okay good, now just insert the tip into the port and twist.”

Natasha took deep breath, as she picked up the port. She felt her chest tighten once again as she looked at Ellie’s face, a million things flashing through her mind. Memories of past jobs, hands holding her down and forcing her to cooperate. Forcing her to endure the torture, to inflict it, to accept their alterations to her mind, to her body, to her life…

“Mrs. Hastings…”

She jumped at the hand on her arm, jolting her back to reality, she dropped the syringe quickly backing away from Ellie until she hit the bed.

“I-I um…” She felt herself shaking and the nurse shook her head.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Would you like me to call your husband?”

She shook her head sharply, trying to gather herself from the onslaught of unwanted memories and emotions.

“No, no I’m sorry, I just…she’s my child,” Natasha said, trying to hide behind the guise of a horrified mother.

“I know, but this is necessary for her health. We’ll try again later okay, maybe when your husband comes back?” The nurse gave her a soft reassuring smile, but it was far from comforting and Natasha found herself struggling to differentiate between memories and reality.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” the nurse squeezed her hand, turning away and placing her focus back on Ellie.

She felt distant, almost disengaged completely from the situation, not entirely paying attention to what the nurse was doing. She was trying to push it all back. Close the door that had been opened. She wasn’t this person. She _couldn’t be_ this person. It put not only herself at risk, but also the others around her and if she kept breaking like this it would only get worse.

“When can I hold her again?” Natasha looked up at the nurse, who gave her a sad smile,

“Unfortunately, not until the twenty-four hours have passed.”

Natasha nodded in understanding before the nurse left her alone for the evening. The lights out in the hallway were dimmed and Natasha moved to the curtains, closing them before partially closing the set to the hallways. She picked up her overnight bag, taking it into the bathroom as she changed and removed her make up. She looked pale, her eyes puffy and she was still shaking. This shouldn’t be that hard; but Ellie’s so small and the way the nurse acted like it was so normal…it unnerved her in a way she hadn’t felt in a very long time.

She finished up in the bathroom, turning off the light, she opened the door finding someone standing in front of Ellie’s crib.

“Agent Romanoff.”

Natasha swallowed, not having expected to find the Director himself standing in Ellie’s hospital room.

“How did you get in here? Visiting hours are over.”

Nick turned around, cocking a smile as he crossed his arms behind his back.

“I’m the director of the world’s leading Security agency. How do you think?”

Natasha frowned, some of her confidence coming back to her as she stood her ground. Walking over to the dresser, she started putting her things away as she pulled herself together again.

“So what, you decided to come get me yourself?”

“No,”

Natasha paused, turning around, she crossed her arms raising an eyebrow.

“SHIELD doesn’t negotiate. You’re the one who told me that.”

“No, I told you we don’t negotiate with terrorists. You’re an agent.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes, examining his posture closely. He was relaxed, and clearly the one in control of this situation.

“So, what? You’re here to talk me down?”

“Natasha…”

“No…no.” She said, pointing a finger at him as her composer threatened to break. “You swore, and maybe I was a little to trusting, but this is on you! Not me, not Steve, not these girls…”

Nick sighed, pulling out the chair next to Ellie’s crib and taking a seat.

“I know. I’m not here to negotiate either.”

“Then why are you here?” Natasha asked, watching his eyes narrow ever so slightly as he looked her over, almost like he was looking at a wounded animal.

“Take a seat Natasha. You look like hell.”

She hesitated, her eyes never leaving him as she cautiously took a seat, well aware this could be a trap.

“Natasha, when I decided to go ahead with this mission I knew it was going to require some special circumstances, a lot of favors, and two agents who I could rely on to get the job done. Your right, I promised you I would never put you in a situation like Ivan did…”

Natasha flinched slightly at the mention of her former teacher…her former owner if she wanted to be realistic.

“…but I won’t lie. It’s why I chose you for this mission.”

Natasha frowned, a rejection on the tip of her tongue, but he held up his hand,

“You know what can happen, the risks that come with this type of job, the sacrifices…it’s that knowledge, that experience that makes you the perfect person for this mission. Because no matter what, those girls will be your top priority. You won’t let anyone change that…not even me.”

Natasha shook her head, unsure of what to think of this.

“So, this is all just some twisted test or game?”

“No. There are things you don’t know about this mission. Things I chose to keep from you. Not because it has to do with the girls, but because it’s best to keep those things a failsafe.”

_A failsafe?_ What on earth could he mean by that?

“What really happened to the Hastings?” Natasha asked instead, figuring the failsafe had to be linked into everything. Fury sighed, folding his hands in his lap,

“Rhino Tech recently sought out SHIELD when they heard we were looking to hire a few government contractors. I said, no…but the council said yes. I needed to find a way to prove my hunches about Rhino Tech before the contract was finalized. I knew putting two agents in would prove far too much of a risk so…so I hired the Hastings, to do it instead.”

Natasha sat up straighter as she took in his information.

“You hired them?” Natasha asked, slightly disbelieving, anger rising to the surface. “You asked them to use their girls to get in?”

“No…I met Christopher several years ago. He saved my ass, and I owed him a favor. Years go by and all I did was inquire if he knew anything about Rhino Tech. He said he could do me one better, said he’d get me anything I wanted, as long as I didn’t ask questions and when everything was through, he and his wife would be able to walk away. I truly did not know about the girls. He didn’t tell me. He only told me they needed a little extra cash to be able to get there and I’d get my information.”

“Then what happened? He just disappeared, and you sent people in to clean up your mess?” Natasha asked, not sure whether to believe him or not.

“No…I got a call from Christopher telling me he’d messed up and needed to get out now. What I did lie about was SHIELD being the ones to take them out. Turns out an MI6 agent who Christopher had been escaping for years caught up with him. Took in a small TAC team and…you know the rest. They were on foreign soil and had killed an American citizen and his wife. I used it to pull rank and get ahead of it before anyone caught wind of their deaths. It helped that the agent didn’t want to explain how he’d just murdered two parents with their children unsecured.”

_So, all of this was because they got their ties crossed?_ She shook her head, nothing was ever simple.

“And the failsafe?”

Nick bent down pulling a file from his bag.

“You know I wouldn’t do anything without thinking it through,” Fury sighed, holding out the file for her to take.

Natasha frowned, this felt off, this whole situation did. The hair on the back of her neck stood up, telling her she needed to get out of there. _Run._ She accepted it cautiously, flipping it open to find the details of the incident, agent backgrounds, and signed copies of the paperwork she and Steve had to fill out before the start of everything. Along with things she hadn’t seen before: case reports, undercover ops…things she and Steve had supposedly done.

“Nick…”

“In order for me to keep my promise to Christopher I’d have to…shift blame. In other words, I was going to say the Hastings never existed. Melissa was just another one of your aliases and Christopher was an alias you’d helped Captain Rogers set up.”

The pieces seemed to fall into place then. Fury had been keeping them busy with missions over the last several months and when they weren’t doing that they were home. Barely in the office. Out of sight, out of mind. It was the start of this set up to throw them under the bus for the Hastings. There’d be an investigation with the Hasting’s past relations and because they were agents, and Avengers, the repercussions wouldn’t be anything but a slap on the hand…of course that was before.

“Had I known exactly what Christopher was going to do, I would have gone about this differently. Would have started out with you two going in instead of them. That way the girls wouldn’t be in this situation; but as you know, that didn’t happen.”

“Why do I have a feeling this is the part I’m _really_ not going to like?” Natasha asked, wondering how this could get worse.  Nick braced his elbows on his knees as he looked down at the floor.

“I need you to understand something Natasha,” Nick said, meeting her gaze again, a seriousness to him she’d rarely seen. “By giving you this, I am allowing you access to sensitive intel. Making you more liable in this situation than even myself or Maria.”

Natasha understood perfectly what he was saying. She sighed closing the file,

“So…where does this leave us?”

“Where you say it leaves you. As far as I’m concerned you two have as much power in this as I do.”

“And the girls?”

“Your responsibility, your say. Nothing will be decided without either one of you agreeing to it.”

Natasha nodded closing the file. She had a lot to think about now that the stakes were higher than before.

“How are you holding up with all of this?” Nick asked a few moments later. She shrugged, her attention returning to the crib.

“The nurse tried to teach me how to administer Ellie’s medications and…and I couldn’t do it. I know it’s for her benefit, but…but I can’t help second guessing myself.”

Nick nodded slowly, lips in a tight line,

“I’m not going to pretend to know what you went through. But I know it was hell.”

Natasha shook her head,

“It was more than that…I spent my life thinking I knew everything. That everything I did was my choice only to find out I knew nothing…had nothing…was nothing. The time I spent trying to gain back life sometimes hurt more than losing it. I look around me and can’t help but feel like this is the universes way of punishing me. I’ve killed kids, Nick. I had no qualms with it. And now…”

She looked away, swiping her fingers under her eyes.

“You were no older than most of those kids, Natasha.” Nick reminded, and she let out a bitter laugh.

“Doesn’t make it any better…only seemed to make it easier.” She felt her lips quiver at her words and gripped the file tight in her hands.

“And that wasn’t your choice.”

“But I had a choice after…I took all that and just made it worse.”

Nick stood, moving to sit next to her on the bed,

“You made mistakes. You became worse than they could ever have imagined, but at the end of the day you still made the right choice. Not everyone will accept that, but not everyone has to…just you.”

“I know…”

“Do you?”

She did know, but it didn’t mean she believed it.

“Natasha, if you’re going to survive this, you need to start looking at this in a new light.”

Natasha let out a bitter laugh,

“I don’t think there’s anything that will make me look at this in a new light.”

Nick raised an eyebrow seeming to take that as a challenge.

“Turn to the last page.”

She frowned slightly, but flipped the file back open going to the last page. It was a crayon drawing of a woman with flaming hair and a little girl playing outside. She smiled slightly knowing exactly where this came from.

“You were at the farm?” Nick chuckled,

“Lila asked me to bring this to you. Cooper says hi, but he was too engrossed in his Game Boy. Those kids adore you, Natasha. More importantly, their parents care about you and you know Laura wouldn’t let you within a ten-mile radius of her children if she didn’t trust you.”

Nick was right about that. It took a while before Clint let her meet Laura. It had shocked her and when she was invited to spend the holiday with them, she agreed on the condition she would stay somewhere in town not trusting herself. Something that should have turned them away, only seemed to cement Laura’s decision. She still questions it sometimes, wonders if she should really trust Clint or Laura’s judgement, but she’d been okay with it all in the end.

This was still different from that though, but she could see what Nick was getting at.

“Thank you.”

Nick nodded standing from the bed, and fixing his jacket,

“Get some rest Natasha.”

She nodded in response, saying nothing more as Nick slipped back out of the room. Even still, she knew this would be hard, but she could get through this, like she’d gotten through that. She was stronger now than she was then, and she’ll be stronger even still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was yeah. Uh I had a port. It's a pain in the ass, but it's like a permanent IV hook almost inserted into a main artery. Mine was connected to my aorta. Others are connected to other main arteries so her's more towards her collarbone. You pull this sucker out and your dead. Needless to say I decided not to pull it out like i did the NG tube.  
> And yes, Parents are taught to perform certain things like medication distribution. My mom had to learn a lot with me and learn to clean out wounds and CPR and that's how she decided to go back to school to get her Medical Assisting degree. It was hard on her to do that, but that's what it takes and it's traumatic for everyone. Once I pulled back on my syringe trying to prove to my dad that the doctor couldn't take blood from me that day...well it came out then. Yeah I was a walking nightmare.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! A new one!  
> I doubt y'all read the notes before the story, so I'll keep them to after.
> 
> Look, I'm not gonna lie, if you've read this far into the story, I don't think I have to keep putting up certain warnings. So this will be a general warning for the next few chapters. I'll put up a note to say when this particular warning has ended sound good?
> 
> WARNING: Child trauma ahead. More medical procedures. More crying. If this upsets you, please don't read it. Previous warnings should be heeded as well.   
> *This is for this chapter and until I say otherwise. So if you read next chapter or the next few chapters and see there's no note saying this warning has ended, it hasn't. And just because I add to the warning does not mean the previous warning has ended. It's just gotten heavier. If several chapters go by and the warning has not ended I will repeat it, but otherwise heed all previous warnings.*  
> Thank you.

Steve laid, staring at the ceiling as he waited for his alarm to sound. Last night had been rough to say the least and he hadn’t really stopped to consider the possibility that he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He’d gotten use to sleeping next to someone and now it was odd not having anyone next to him. Fortunately, Lexi must have sensed his distress and decided to “covertly” sneak into the room and into bed. Turns out she’s a kicker when she’s completely out and he’d spent the night with the heel of her foot in his ribcage. And no, moving her did not work either.

Steve sighed turning to the clock to find he still had another half hour before he’d planned on getting up. He had a feeling leaving was going to prove difficult as he looked down at the little girl next to him. Maybe if he didn’t rush out the door she’d be a little more at ease when he left, and therefore more inclined to behave for Sharon. He really felt bad about how Lexi acted around her. His mother would have never tolerated that from him. His mother wouldn’t have tolerated any of this, actually.

He pushed the covers aside, gently leaving the bed before going to get ready for the day. He got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist, as he wiped the fog from the mirror. He grimaced at his appearance. He looked worn, more so than he’d been in years and he went to work trimming his beard. He was going to have to re-dye his hair soon, but did his best to “touch up his roots” as Natasha had put it as she taught him how to do exactly that.

He looked a little better by the time he was fully dressed, although he knew he would look tired no matter what. He walked back into the bedroom to find Lexi sleepily rubbing her eyes as she sat upright. She looked around before finding him and reaching her arms out.

“Morning Monkey,” Steve said as he lifted her up, she cuddled up against him, rubbing her face against his shoulder.

“Hi Daddy,” came her mumbled response as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Come on, I have some time before I have to go to work, why don’t we make something to eat?”

She nodded, not letting go of her vice grip on him as the headed downstairs. To his surprise Sharon was already up and dressed, coffee in hand as she sat on the couch with the volume low on the TV as she watched the news.

“Morning, there’s coffee in the pot, should still be hot,” she said as she turned to see them.

“Thanks,” Steve responded, setting Lexi down so he could get what he needed for breakfast.

He paused at the fridge catching something on the TV and he turned around to see a picture of Tony on the news. _Oh boy…_

“Turn that up?” Steve asked as he walked into the living room.

_“In other news today_ _, there have been reports that the infamous billionaire known to all as Iron Man has recently undergone major heart surgery to have the remainder of the shrapnel removed from his chest. No official report has been released by Stark Industries, but after last years events involving the Mandarin, we saw a big step back from Iron Man himself and more of a presence from Tony Stark. During his recent visit to the New York City Memorial honoring those first responders and civilians who lost their lives in 2012’s attack, attendees noticed Stark was without his arc reactor. The arc reactor having become a sort of symbol for the super hero; leading some to conclude that we have seen the end of Iron Man_ _.”_

Steve sighed, glad to know Tony hadn’t gone off and done something destructive again, but now wondered what was going on. He hadn’t talked to the man since right after the incident itself. Fury had sent him and Natasha down to secure the incident and found Tony clutching Pepper as the latter started to panic. He didn’t ask much and neither had Natasha when Pepper started to worry about being taken away, but he knew she’d been used by the Mandarin. Natasha had talked to her more and Tony had basically said he was done, clapped him on the shoulder and said, “your monkey’s now.”

Afterword, he’d asked Natasha about it and she’d told him about the serum used on Pepper, but said it’d be best to let Tony handle it. He knew she was the last person to just let Tony handle anything and he’d assumed everything went according to whatever plan he’d had. He heard they’d even taken a vacation in Italy for a month…or was it Cabo? He felt like he should know for sure, but he and Tony weren’t exactly the closest of friends. The worry though that he’d actually gone and taken out the reactor was there.

“Looks like Stark really meant it when he said he was done,” Sharon commented, and he nodded,

“I’d like to think that, but knowing Tony he’s just backing off for now. People like that…we don’t take well to sitting on the sidelines for too long.”

“I know what you mean. My Aunt use to tell me about how useless she felt after the War-” Sharon stopped as she looked up, “Sorry…”

Steve frowned, shaking his head,

“Uh…nothing to be sorry about.”

Sharon raised an eyebrow, skeptical about his clear lack of reaction.

“You don’t know…” She said next, and he shook his head, wondering where on earth this was leading too.

“Okay, what did I miss?”

Sharon hesitated a moment before looking around,

“Where’s Lexi?”

Steve’s frown deepened, she was changing the subject, but as he looked around Lexi was nowhere to be found.

“Alexis.” Steve called, and the little girl came running back into view. He raised an eyebrow, but she just stood there letting nothing show. She stared back at him for a few more seconds before he shook his head, “Alright, eggs or waffles?”

“Eggs!”

Steve let the conversation go for the meantime as he put his focus back on Lexi. Breakfast went smoothly up until he stood up to leave.

“Hey Sharon, have you seen my keys?” Steve asked as he looked in the bowl by the door to find it empty. Sharon frowned, getting up to look herself.

“I saw you put them there last night…”

They exchanged a look before turning to find Lexi standing innocently at the other end of the hallway.

“Lexi…where are my keys?” Steve asked slowly. She raised her arms shrugging and he knew instantly that was a lie. “Alexis…please go get my keys. I have to go to work.”

She frowned crossing her arms, topping it off with a firm shake of her head. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. _He does not have time for this._

“Alexis, this is not a game, bring me my keys now.”

“No.”

Steve took a deep breath trying his best to be patient. He walked over, crouching down, so he was eye to eye with her hoping it’d make her see the point.

“Keys Alexis, or no more movies for the rest of the week.”

Judging by the hard-set scowl on her face it wasn’t working.

“Alexis Amara so help me…I don’t have time for this!” He stood back up and Sharon shook her head.

“Don’t you have a spare?”

“No, Natasha has the other set with her.” Steve sighed scrubbing his face as he wracked his brain.

“You can take mine, I don’t think I’ll be using it today.”

He shook his head. If there was an emergency she would need a car.

“Donny should still be home, I’ll see if I can’t catch a ride with him. I’m sure he’d be fine with it as long as I hurry…” Steve said grabbing his suit jacket and bag.

He hadn’t even touched the handle before Lexi screamed running over and pulling on his bag.

“No!”

Steve looked down, startled by her sudden outburst, to see tears and panic filling her eyes. Sharon seemed just as equally startled as she stood motionless off to the side.

“Lexi, I have too-”

“No, Daddy!”

Steve let go of the doorknob as she started crying hysterically, gripping his leg. This was new…He knelt back down prying her arms from around his leg, only increasing her hysterics. _So, this was a temper tantrum. Great…_ Steve took her arms gently rubbing his thumbs up and down, partially to calm her and to keep her from hitting him.

“Alexis, this is not okay. I know you can use your words…”

When that didn’t seem to work he shucked his bag sitting down as he pulled her into his arms. He couldn’t leave until she was calm enough for Sharon to handle…who was he kidding, he couldn’t leave out of his own guilt. She calmed after a few minutes and in the meantime, he heard Donny’s truck leave. If he wanted to be on time let alone there at all he was going to have to figure out what was going on and fast.

“Lexi, you know its only for a few hours. I’ll be back before you go to bed tonight.”

“Mommy…”

“She’s still with Ellie.”

He knew by her grip on his shirt that wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

“No.”

“No what?” Steve asked trying to get more of a response from her. He’d learned early on that despite her age she was smarter than he thought a two-year-old should be.

“Mommy…don’t go.”

Steve frowned, pulling back so he could look at her.

“You don’t want Mommy to go or you don’t want me to go to Mommy?”

“You…”

Steve frowned, trying to figure out what she meant. It seemed Sharon did though,

“I think I know what’s wrong…”

* * *

“What?” Steve asked as Sharon explained to him her theory.

“You guys told me she saw Christopher die…it’s not much of a stretch. I saw the crime scene photos, he was laid out across the hallway floor going from where Lexi was found to where Melissa was trying to get to Ellie. From where Lexi was placed she would have seen it all. Then they disappear entirely for a week…look I’m not an expert on child care, but to her she’s deathly afraid of you walking away.”

“Great. That’s…that’s great,” Steve said gripping the back of the chair a little harder than necessary.

_“But why can’t you stay home with us?” Steve asked through his missing two front teeth. He looked up at his father as the other man bent down,_

_“Because sadly, the world doesn’t work that way my boy. If we want something we have to work for it.”_

_“But I never see you…” Steve sniffed, and his father glanced up at his mother before slipping something off his neck._

_“I know, and it hurts me too. But I promise I’ll be back, until then hold onto these for me.”_

_Steve took the two metal plates rubbing his thumb over the indents. He looked up when he heard the door close, his father gone again_ _…_

He felt the wood give a little and let go, looking to where Lexi was standing in front of the door, blocking the front door, or as much of it as she could. They’d already thoroughly scared her and now there was a good chance she’d have a nervous breakdown if he walked out that door. It wasn’t the same…he wouldn’t be gone for days like his father had been. Natasha was though and he himself wouldn’t be back before bedtime he knew. _God he was going to regret this…_

“Lexi come here, please.”

Lexi shifted on her feet, before breaking away from the door and coming to stand in front of him. He knelt back down, making sure she was looking at him before he started.

“You know we wouldn’t go if we didn’t have to, but I can’t stay home, and you can’t come with me.” He could see she was getting frustrated again as she started to pout. “Hey none of that, alright. I promise I’ll come straight back when I’m done work, but I need my keys so after I finish work today and tomorrow we can see Mommy and Ellie. Car doesn’t work without keys and no car means I can’t go get them when Ellie’s ready to come home.”

The tears were back again, but he could see she was starting to understand even just a little. He wasn’t good at this, and it sounded harsh, but it was the truth. He couldn’t go anywhere without his keys and technically he could take Sharon’s car but that wouldn’t solve their current problem.

“Okay…”

Steve gave her a small smile before she turned around and walked back upstairs to hopefully get his keys. She came back down with them, and he noticed she wouldn’t look him in the eye. He tilted her chin and sighed pulling her in for a hug.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know sweetie,”

He kissed her head, pulling back so he could grab his bag and get going. When he sat down in the driver’s seat his head fall back against the head rest and he let out a deep sigh. It seemed like the longer this went on the worse everything was getting, and he was afraid to know what was to come next. He looked down starting the truck.

“Call Melissa,”

_“Calling Melissa,”_

* * *

Even if she could have slept last night, it became clear by the time the third nurse came in to check on Ellie, that it was futile. She’d spent the night watching Ellie as she thought about her conversation with Nick. They now had a minefield the size of Verdun* to walk through and one wrong step could cost them everything. It also meant they had decisions to make about the course of this mission. SHIELD had no idea what they were actually up to, no idea that the Hastings were dead _and_ that they had daughters.

Then there was the part about Nick telling her to look at this in a different light. It was like he wanted them to forget this was a mission. Or maybe that was the sleep deprivation talking. Either way, the reminder of the Barton’s helped but it also made things worse. She wasn’t entrusted with their safety. There wasn’t an actual threat coming to them. It wasn’t the same type of pressure as this. She just had to worry about being the person they thought she was.

There was a knock on the door and Natasha looked up from her book to see Jen and yet another nurse.

“Good morning Mrs. Hastings. Mind if we come in?”

Natasha smiled and shook her head, setting her book down.

“No, of course not.”

Jen and the nurse stepped inside, the former walking over to check on Ellie.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to stop by and see how everything was going,” Jen said taking a seat in the empty chair next to the bed.

Natasha knew this might happen. After all, it was Jen’s job to check on the families and coordinate care.

“It went well, all things considered,” Natasha said, giving the usual answer.

“Well that’s good,” Jen responded. Natasha could tell by the slight coiling of her jaw she was about to approach something Natasha wasn’t going to like.

“But you’re not here about Ellie, are you?”

Jen gave her a tight-lipped smile shaking her head.

“It was brought to my attention yesterday that you seem to be having a hard time dealing with the situation at hand.”

_Shit…_

“It can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time,” Natasha replied hoping to defuse the situation.

“You’re right, but I am concerned. From what I heard you froze then panicked when Nurse Carol asked if you were okay,” Jen recapped, looking at the folder she had in hand, before meeting her gaze. “Mrs. Hastings, this is a difficult time for you and your family…”

“So, you’ve said,” Natasha replied earning another sigh from Jen.

“So, it’s perfectly understandable to be hesitant. She’s your child, you would never do anything to harm her.”

“So what are you saying?” Natasha snapped, making Jen frown slightly.

“I’m saying it’s okay to be afraid, but you have to understand this is what needs to be done to ensure Eleanor receives the best care possible.”

Natasha felt her blood beginning to boil. What did this woman know about fear? _Nothing._ She knew nothing, didn’t know anything and had no right insinuating that she couldn’t do what was best for her ow-for Ellie.

“You don’t think I can take care of her?”

“That’s not what I said-”

Natasha got up from the bed, walked over to the nurse, and held out her hand for the syringe. The nurse looked between her and Jen before giving her the medication. She went through the steps the nurse had explained to her the night before; inserting the syringe filled with medicine into the port then doing the same with the saline. She looked to Ellie, watching for any signs of distress before turning back to the two women crossing her arms.

“As you can see, I have no issues taking care of, and giving Ellie what she needs. Are we done here?”

Jen stood up nodding, and without another word she and the nurse left the room closing the door behind them. Natasha let out the breath she’d been holding, her mask falling to pieces once again. She swallowed, feeling her stomach lurch, and quickly darted to the small bathroom. She gripped the metal rail, pushing her hair out of her face as she took a ragged breath as the tears reappeared. She let out a frustrated sob, flushing the toilet and all but collapsing back against the wall.

_What did I do?_

_You didn’t do anything._

_Yes, you did. You let them do exactly what they wanted of you. Just like old times. They all thought you were strong, but the truth is you were just too weak to do anything about it! You were always meant to be controlled, and this isn’t any different._

_No…_

“No!” Natasha said, gripping her hair tightly between her fingers. She jumped feeling something vibrating and fished her phone out of her pocket.

_Steve._

“Hello?” Natasha quickly answered, taking a deep breath as she tried to make it seem as if she was okay.

_“Hey, it’s me.”_

She let out a breath upon hearing Steve’s voice, but she could tell something was off.

“What’s wrong? You sound caught.”

He let out a bitter laugh, and through it she could hear cars passing telling her he was on his way to work still. Looking at the time, he should have already been there by now.

_“Caught is one word for it,”_ He sighed, and she could practically see his face breaking, _“Lexi’s not taking this well at all.”_

“We knew it would be an adjustment, she’ll come around to Sharon…” Natasha reminded, feeling even more guilty now.

_“Trust me, Sharon’s only a quarter of the issue.”_

“Meaning…?” Natasha asked, her worry growing more at the idea that they’d hurt Lexi more.

_“Meaning, when I got back last night she refused to sleep in her own bed, then when I tried to leave for work this morning she hid my keys. I didn’t even think she was old enough to comprehend that. Then when I went to see if I could catch a ride with Donny because I didn’t have time to play twenty questions with her, she screamed and did everything she could to try and keep me from walking out the door. And no, calmly explaining that I had to go, only made her hysterical. I got her calmed down enough to try and get something out of her…she’s scared Nat. Like deathly afraid we won’t come back scared. Sharon thinks Christopher might have been going to Melissa when he was killed, and Lexi had seen it. Meaning that to her, us being separated with myself here and you with Ellie, she thinks I’m going to die if I leave her sight._

Natasha closed her eyes taking a deep breath as she processed this new information. She let it out leaning her head against the wall.

“And because she’s two she has no idea how to process any of this…obviously you got out, what did you say to her?”

_“I told her I couldn’t stay, and she couldn’t go with me. I promised to come home, and explained that when I was done with work this week we’d get to see you both but that I needed my keys to do so. I feel awful about it, about lying to her…”_

“Steve, you didn’t lie. You do need your keys, but we’re going to have to come up with a better way to handle this other than bargaining.”

_“I know…”_

Natasha shook her head, looking out into the room at Ellie. She knew what she had to do, but at the moment, she was caught between wanting him to be here with her and wanting him to be Lexi. She wasn’t sure she could handle another night alone in this place, but Lexi needed him more right now. She hadn’t needed anyone in a very long time and if she was thinking this way then it was best to step away for a few days…

“Look, I know the plan was for you to come visit after work, but I really think you need to be there with Lexi. Especially if this is how she’s handling things,” Natasha responded, her voice strong despite the pain the words brought.

There was a long pause, and she knew he was debating it with himself.

_“Are you going to be okay?”_

She shook her head, putting on a small smile even though he couldn’t see her.

“I’ll be fine, I promise. Just make sure she’s not alone and I’ll give Sharon a buzz later, so I can talk to Lexi myself.”

_“Okay, if your sure. I just feel awful leaving you there.”_

She chewed her bottom lip, praying she could get this out.

“You’re not leaving me here. I’ll see you in a few days okay?”

He sighed, and she could all but see his shoulders give.

_“Okay, let me know when she wakes up?”_

“I will…bye Steve.”

_“Bye Nat,”_

She hung up the phone, pulling her legs up to her chest. She didn’t need him here with her. She’d been through worse alone and survived, and this _was_ different. Despite what her mind was trying to make her believe, no one here was trying to make her do their evil bidding without her knowledge. This was a safe place, and they just wanted to help Ellie.

With that in mind she picked herself up off the floor, splashed some cold water on her face and walked back out into the room. Ellie was still sedated and still unable to be held, but she sat down in the chair next to her, lightly brushing the back of her finger over the girl’s cheek before taking her book and picking up where she’d left off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Verdun*: Is a place in France. It was a major target zone in the war and currently one of the largest homes for undetonated explosives in the world. And is uninhabitable do to radiation. Sounds fun right?
> 
> https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Cognitive-Development-Two-Year-Old.aspx  
> Also, I'm not a child care expert so this is the article I read for this portion.
> 
> Also, I remembered what I was going to say like two chapters ago with that Flashback to Nikolai, yeah it was about religion. I went with Russian Orthodox because of its strong history in the country and it's kind of like when People say they're Catholic, but casual but in Russia. Religions only just starting to pick up there again, but I love Irony.
> 
> What else...How about that tidbit from Tony? And Sharon? And a flashback from Steve that's a new one. I actually don't have a lot to say about this one, but I will for the next one which I do actually have, but I think I might wait to post it. I'll let you all know.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this is...the warning has been added to:  
> WARNING: This is a heavy chapter. There is in depth discussion about a dead child. And everything that goes along with it. I also want you all to know that what is discussed is real and this is what I faced and what millions of kids around the world deal with. So...welcome to our world!...it sucks.

Natasha had always loved learning new things. Whether it was concerning her training or her schooling, she was a wet sponge ready to soak up anything she’d never known before. The Academe had an extensive library where she often spent her free hours learning about the worlds histories and mistakes. They had books in a variety of languages and she used her favorites to translate and learn. She was a believer in always being able to learn something new and while she came across as knowing everything, she didn’t and hardly believed she would ever be able to hold that much knowledge, but she liked to try.

Within that same library, held all sorts of fiction and while one might think it weird, it helped to know what the rest of the world preoccupied their time with. She fell in love with Agatha Christy, H.G. Wells and Stephen King. Loved how she could see it from the protagonist’s point of view. It was unlike that of television where you saw it from all points making it more realistic to her. It was one guilty pleasure she allowed herself to have, if only for the fact that it wouldn’t compromise her.

So, when she found Melissa seemed to have the same love of good mysteries she couldn’t help but pick it all back up again. She hadn’t had the time in a long while to sit down and just _read_ and if she was going to be stuck here she figured what better way to pass the time? She was currently reading book three of _James Patterson’s_ _Women’s Murder Club_ series when there was another knock on the door.

She called for them to come in, figuring it was just another nurse stopping in to check up on Ellie, but was surprised to see Donna Philips from the day before.

“Donna, hi,” Natasha said, placing her book mark to give the woman her full attention.

“Hi, I hope you don’t mind me stopping in, but I was just on my way to the common room to meet up with some of the “full-time” parents and thought maybe you’d like to join us?”

That caught her off guard and she glanced to Ellie where she laid still asleep.

“Oh, that’s very kind of you…”

Donna held up her hand stopping her.

“I know what you’re going to say, but we do this every week when the kids have free play in the play room. Have you even left this room since you got here?”

Natasha gave her a small smile.

“Come on, it’s on the Cardiac floor today so you’ll be right down the hall. We’re making octopi today.” She held up a piece of paper with what looked like instructions on how to make a stuffed octopus. Donna was really making an effort to make her feel more at ease and maybe it wouldn’t hurt to leave for a little bit. But it also felt wrong since she wasn’t exactly a mom.

“I’m afraid I don’t know how to knit.”

“Well good, cause we crotchet,” Donna replied with a smile.

Natasha shook her head; this woman was good.

“Alright, a few minutes wouldn’t hurt, but I’ve never crocheted either.” Natasha responded getting up from her spot and grabbing her cell phone from the table.

Donna linked her arm through Natasha’s as they walked out of the room.

“Don’t worry I always have extra hooks you can use…Ladies, I’m taking Melissa here with me down to the meeting,” Donna said, as they walked up to the nurses station. Donna wrote down where they were go before taking two buzzers and handing one to her. One of the nurses gave her a thumb up and she nodded, before pulling Natasha along.

“So, what do you mean by “full-time” parents?” Natasha asked as they walked down the hall.

“Oh, well it’s mostly made up of other moms, but it’s basically parents who have dedicated themselves fully to their child’s health. Like a stay at home mom, but with the knowledge of nurse,” Donna explained. “We get together whenever we can outside the hospital and once a week inside. There’s groups of us, since many of us travel a bit to get here, but the main goal is to help establish relationships we might not normally get to have due to our child’s illness. We order take-out, sit down and decompress while also working on functions, stuff we can do for the hospital. Most of the funding comes from donors and it makes us feel like we’re doing more.”

Natasha listened carefully to Donna as she explained what they did.

“So, the octopi?”

Donna smiled.

“Well, that came from hearing about the latest trend in helping premature babies. We’ve asked people to donate yarn, so we can make these octopi to send out to some of CHOP’s charities. Today’s learning day. One of the NICU Nurses is teaching us how to make them. Last month we learned how to make Teddy Bears out of old fabrics and sold those to raise money for Cancer research. We’re also making squares for blankets for the next fundraiser.”

Donna stopped in the doorway to the common room and there were at least ten other moms and two dads and a couple nurses present.

“Donna!” Natasha looked to where there were chairs set in a circle to see a woman about her age with brunet curls waving at them.

“Rita! I didn’t know you were back. Is Kelly alright?” Donna asked walking over and greeting the woman with a hug. The woman sighed, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, she decided to be a little adventurous and attempt the monkey bars. Compound fracture of the left ulna. Can you believe it? Surgeries tomorrow, but Richards is confident that it won’t affect her growth plate and since she’s been doing well with chemo he’s not worried about setbacks. I swear, she’s determined to send me to my grave.”

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry. I know you were hoping on spending less time here.”

Rita shrugged.

“I want to be mad at her, but she’s trying to be a kid and I have to remind myself that she felt good enough to play, and she’s not afraid to try being a kid again.”

“You’ll get there, don’t worry,” Donna assured, before reaching over and taking Natasha’s hand to pull her closer. “Rita, I’d like you to meet Melissa Hastings. Her daughter Eleanor is a Cardiac Infant, she’s new to the hospital. Melissa this is Rita Fleming, her daughter, Kelly’s a survivor.”

Rita shook her head, a small shy smile on her face.

“When she’s fully done with her chemo rounds I’ll believe that, but it’s very nice to meet you Melissa,” Rita said shaking her hand.

“Alright everyone, we’re ready to begin,” A dark-skinned woman called out. She was in dress slacks and a purple shirt with a hospital employee badge sticking out from the others.

Donna tugged on her arm again leading her over to a couple of seats next to Rita. There was something very off about the way this all felt.

“Good morning everyone, welcome back to those of you who’ve been away. I see some new faces as well. For those new to our group I’m Dr. Anisa White, please don’t feel like you have to share…”

_Doctor? Share? What?_ Natasha glanced to Donna and it clicked.

“You lied to me,” Natasha hissed.

“I didn’t lie, I simply skirted around the main purpose of the group,” Donna whispered, rather nonchalantly, as she kept her eyes focused on whom Natasha could only assume was a hospital therapist.

She should have known better, but she had underestimated Donna, thinking her to be some sweet innocent woman trying to help ease the process. Well, she could still be that, but there was no way she was taking anything more the woman said at face value. She hadn’t lied though, that much Natasha could tell.

Looking around there was no way she could make a clean exit without anyone noticing. _Damn she was good._

“Also, for those of you who haven’t already heard, Letitia’s son Marcus passed away last night. The funeral’s being held at St. Anne’s as previously discussed, but I’m still waiting on a date. I talked to her and her husband last night and she’s upset. Her and her husband would like some privacy for now, but if you’d like to send them something I can forward it on to them or you can give it to them at the funeral.”

_As previously discussed…_ Natasha licked her lips, looking down at her hands feeling a little like she might be sick again.

“So, who would like to start us out today?” Rita raised her hand and Dr. White nodded for her to start.

“Hi, I’m Rita for those of you who don’t know me. My daughter was recently found to be cancer free,” the group clapped, and Rita gave that same small timid smile. “Well she’s back again because she broke her arm and I had a lot of people tell me ‘when will you catch a break?’ when I told them. What they don’t know is how much of a struggle it’s been to re-adjust to life outside the hospital…I walked in through the doors yesterday morning, sat down with Kelly and felt more relaxed than I’ve felt in a few weeks. I remember when we first came here and how I felt so much anxiety and fear and now it’s become-not quite the opposite-but at least here I know she’s safe, I know she can be cared for properly. I don’t have to worry about her like I do when we go home, and it scares me. Three months ago, I wanted nothing more than for this to be over and now I almost wish we didn’t have to leave…this last incident worrying me the most. I guess I just wish I could take the safety that’s here with us.” She let out a little embarrassed laugh as she finished, wiping away some tears and Natasha couldn’t help but wonder how you become like that.

“It’s okay to feel that way Rita. You get into a routine for years and then one day you don’t have to do it anymore. It throws you off because for years you’ve been telling yourself, ‘don’t get your hopes up’ and now that it’s here it’s hard to process. Similar to when you first started on this journey. You learned to be protective in a way no parent thinks they’ll ever have to be and then one day you get to stop. But the thing is, you can’t shake that. It’ll get easier over time just like this did, but the important part is realizing your worries and fears and taking charge of them.”

A few more of the parents shared, some talking about their kids struggle’s, but most of them discussing their own fears. She’d heard Clint and Laura talk about their fears as parents before, but this was something she’d never heard. One woman talking about having to get use to her daughter taking on more responsibility concerning her MS. A single father talking about getting hit on and wanting to date, but too afraid to let someone in because his child came first. Even an aunt who had custody of her nephew talking about the struggle to keep her sister informed while she sat in prison and having to make those decisions because her sister couldn’t.

It was a world she’d never entered, territory she’d never needed to cross until now…because it was now apart of her world too. At least for the time being.

“Alright, well, that’s all the time we have for sharing today, but now the fun part! I hear we’re making octopi.”

Natasha could see the others relax around her a little more as they all pulled out their crafts and separated into smaller groups.

“Okay! So, I’ve been mulling over this pattern for a few days and it shouldn’t be too hard,” Donna said handing out the patterns.

Natasha accepted a packet handing it down. She wasn’t sure why she was still sitting here. A few people had left after the sharing portion and she could have too. But it did help to take her mind off everything else going on in her life for a few minutes. She looked down at the paper and had to hold back an eyeroll. The theme? _Avengers._ She highly doubted if anyone knew the truth behind everything that really happened that day, they wouldn’t be as enthusiastic. She figured there had to be some type of irony in this.

“Alright, so I’m thinking we each make ten, that gives us fifty. Remember were donating to the hospitals in Uganda, Malaysia, and Nigeria so we’ll need plenty to go around. Melissa, I can show you a simpler patter to start you off if you’d like?”

Donna showed her how to start her chain and then how to do a single then half double link that would be used in the pattern. It was fairly simple once she got the motion down, and by the end of the session she had it for the most part. To her surprise, the others were laughing and joking, talking about their lives outside the hospital keeping it mostly light. They asked her a few questions, basics like are you married? How many kids besides Ellie? Mostly staying away from hospital related questions. She could tell they were easing her in and she wasn’t sure she liked that, but she didn’t let on to it. Instead switching the focus to questions about the group and the like.

She decided she’d stick with it, if only for the few days she was here to not raise suspicion. They were nice people, but this wasn’t her life, and the last thing she wanted to do was lie about it being anything like theirs. She’s not really Melissa and Ellie was not really her daughter. Walking back to the room with Donna, she could tell the woman wanted to ask questions.

“So, what did you think?” Donna finally asked.

“Honestly…I’m not sure.”

Donna nodded seeming to understand that.

“That woman that lost her son…” Natasha began, “what exactly did Dr. White mean when she said, ‘as previously discussed’?”

Donna sighed, her body going taunt.

“Well, Marcus had stage four osteosarcoma. He relapsed last year and was in a wheelchair by May. The doctors did everything they could, but sometimes…sometimes there’s nothing you can do but make them comfortable. It’s a shame really, but it’s the hard truth. He wanted a coffin fire truck red and ice cream served…” Donna had tears in her eyes, but she smiled despite it all.

“You mean…how old was he?”

“Six and a half.”

The sick feeling returned. It was something Natasha could relate to. Knowing about consequences, but this was something else entirely.

“Why would she let him do that?” Natasha asked, stopping in her tracts.

Donna stopped turning, she gave her a sad smile.

“Honey…these kids are forced into a world where they learn to comprehend death before they know what it means to live. You’ll learn soon enough that it’s easier for them to know then to lie and try and protect them from the truth. So yes, he knew he was going to die, and he wasn’t afraid to either. He picked his casket and his headstone and even the clothes he’s going to be buried in because if he was going to lose his fight then he was doing it his way. I’ve had the conversation with Billy before and he’s only eight. But it’s a reality we both face every day. Some every second. I didn’t want to explain death to him, but then the boy he shared a room with died and I had to. There was a very real chance it would be him next and I didn’t want him to be scared if it was. We live a completely different life than everybody else and it sucks. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything…even though I might lose him one day.”

“It’s not fair…but then again when has life ever been?” Natasha responded. Donna nodded taking her arm again.

“But that’s why we do this too. The crafting and meetings and fundraising. We like to believe that one day we can make the world fair by making sure no one has to go through this ever again.”

Natasha still felt sick about the whole thing. The fact that it made sense making things worse. Donna bid her goodbye and Natasha slipped back into the room to find a nurse checking Ellie’s vitals.

“Mrs. Hastings, I just want to let you know we’re lowering the dose of the sedative and that she’s officially out of the woods.”

Natasha relaxed, feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders.

“That’s…thank God…can I…?”

The nurse smiled, and Natasha realized she should probably figure out this woman’s name.

“Yes, come here, I’ll show you how best to pick her up and hold her.”

Natasha set down her project going over to Ellie. The nurse tucked a hand behind her neck and the other under her but to support her back on her arm.

“Sit down and tuck a pillow on your lap.”

She grabbed one of the pillows off the bed, sitting down in the rocker next to the bed. The nurse gently laid Ellie in her arms, arranging the wires so they wouldn’t tangle. It felt good having Ellie back in her arms again, a reassurance that she was indeed as okay as they were telling her. She watched Ellie’s eyelids flutter as she dreamed and only hoped she saw something beautiful.

* * *

 

Steve was sitting at his desk when his phone buzzed. He picked it up finding a text from Natasha. It was a photo of Ellie in her arms. She was still asleep, but the color had returned to her face and he smiled feeling a little more relaxed at knowing she was finally out of the woods. He just wished he could be there with them right now. Natasha had sounded off on the phone, her voice tight and he was worried about her being there by herself. She was a big girl, he knew, but with everything that had been going on as of late, he had a right to be concerned about her.

He sighed, putting his phone down and scrubbing his face. He looked up when he heard footsteps approaching and saw Donny at the door.

“Hey, Chris, how’s it going?” Donny asked, sitting down in front of him. They hadn’t talked since Saturday and now that Steve thought about it, it was odd to not have seen Janice as of late.

“Hey, Donny, it’s uh…” He sighed shaking his head, “Ellie’s surgery went well, but this back and forth between the hospital is taking its toll on Lexi.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but at least everything went well,” Donny tried giving him a small smile.

“Yeah…say do you guys have a system for Kayson when it comes to dealing with tantrums?” Donny cringed, shaking his head.

“You know, Kayson’s never been hard to handle. We can pretty much take him everywhere without an issue. He doesn’t always want to listen, but can’t say he’s ever had a meltdown…I take it Lexi’s at that point?”

Steve nodded.

“Yeah, she threw one this morning when I tried leaving work. Even hid my keys to try and keep me there.”

Donny’s eyes widened, and he let out a whistle.

“Yeah, Kayson’s _definitely_ never done that,” Donny, shrugged. “It’ll be fine, I’m sure. Though that leads me to my question, who’s the woman staying with you guys?”

And there it was, time for the lie…

“Oh, Kate, she’s Melissa’s sister. She’s staying with us for a week to help with Lexi.”

“Oh! I didn’t know Melissa had a sister.”

Steve nodded.

“Yeah, they weren’t too close as kids, but now they’re trying to…make up for lost time,” Steve explained, hoping to move this along.

“Hey, not all siblings are willing to help. Trust me I’m the youngest of three.” He winked, laughing a little, “But it’s nice you have someone to help. You know we’re right next door too if you guys ever need anything.”

“Thanks, we really appreciate it.” Sometimes. “Anyways…I take it things are slow downstairs?”

Donny laughed.

“No actually, but I’m waiting on the Israelis to get back to us about the latest project. Can’t do anything until then. As is, there’s talk about sending me to Italy in the next few months to deliver the software.” He let out a long sigh shaking his head.

Steve nodded, knowing exactly what he was talking about. They were about to launch a new version of their optic storage device with King Systems in Italy and there was talk about sending people out there for the exchange. He even heard his name thrown around.

“Yeah, they like to know whose making their products,” Steve replied.

“I’d sure like to know what they’re saying though…you don’t happen to know Italian do you?”

_“Enough.”_ Steve replied with a smirk and Donny rolled his eyes.

“Of course you do. How many times you been to Italy?”

Steve sighed sitting back in his chair.

“A handful of times. Beautiful country, but crazy business world.” Truth is he hasn’t been back since the war. A lot has changed since then though.

“That it is…” Donny said, standing up. “Well, I better get back to it. Tell Melissa we said hello.”

“I will.”

And just like that, he was gone again.

* * *

Steve pulled into the driveway at six still wondering how he’d managed to get everything done in time to get home. He still felt guilty about not being at the hospital with Natasha. But she had a point, Lexi needed someone there with her and that was him. He looked to the front door to see Lexi was in the window and he sighed, getting out of the truck. Walking in the front door he picked her up as she ran to him, hugging her tight.

“Hey Monkey!” Sharon walked to the end of the hallway to see who had come in, giving him a small smile.

“Hey, dinners ready.”

Steve frowned.

“You didn’t have to do that…”

She shrugged.

“Well considering I thought you were supposed to go meet up with Romanoff…” Sharon replied, turning off the stove.

Steve cringed, he knew he forgot to do something…

“Sorry, I should have called you, we decided it’d be best to hold off for Lexi’s sake.”

Sharon shrugged, dumping the mac n’ cheese into a bowl.

“It’s fine, trust me, but hope you like Kraft Mac N’ Cheese.”

Steve chuckled nodding.

“I don’t care as long as it’s edible.”

Lexi mainly picked at her dinner, but he let her go after a half hour and she went into the living room while he cleaned up.

“Was it any better today?” He asked, as Sharon brought over the rest of the dishes.

“Yes and no. She refused to move away from the door all day, but didn’t give me much trouble.”

Steve sighed shaking his head.

“Hey, it’s okay. She’ll get past it soon,” Sharon reassured.

“I hope you’re right.”

Steve’s phone started buzzing and he reached into his pocket, pulling it out. It was Natasha. Sharon nodded, and he walked out of the kitchen to the office.

“Hey!”

_“Hey, how is she?”_

Steve sighed,

“I have no clue. She sat at the door all day so…”

_“So…screwed up?”_ Natasha finished, and he groaned,

“Yeah,”

_“Skype me and let me talk to her.”_

“Okay give me a second,” Steve said, walking back out to the living room. “Alexis, can you come here, please?”

Lexi followed him back to the office as the call was going through. He sat her down on his lap as Natasha appeared on the screen. It was a little dark, but he could see she was worn. Ellie was with her, but he couldn’t tell if she was awake or not.

“Mommy!” Lexi said, jumping and trying to get closer to the computer.

“Hi sweetheart,” Natasha responded, smiling a little.

“Where are you?” Lexi asked, getting really close to the computer screen, like if she leaned far enough in she could touch her.

“I’m at the hospital with Ellie, remember?”

“When are…when are you coming home?” Lexi asked a small pout on her face as she sat back down.

“A few more days sweet pea. Are you behaving for Kate?”

Lexi seemed to pounder her answer and Natasha raised an eyebrow at the girl, before she shrugged and went on to try and ask more questions. Mostly pertaining to why she couldn’t be there and why Natasha couldn’t just come home. For her part, Natasha did well to turn the subject around while keeping Lexi calm, but after about twenty minutes she convinced Lexi to give them a few minutes to talk.

“You okay?” Natasha asked, when Lexi was finally out of the room.

Steve let out a small chuckle shaking his head.

“I’m starting to really hate that question.”

She smirked, sitting back a little more on the bed, Ellie still tucked into her arms.

“You and me both…but good news is, Ellie’s awake and ate some on her own this evening so the doctor is confident we’ll be out of here by Saturday night.”

That was good news. He just wished they didn’t have to be there at all. There was a loud thud followed by a scream coming from upstairs and he sighed pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Go on, I’ll talk to you in the morning.” She gave him a sympathetic smile and he gave her as much of one as he could muster before saying goodbye.

Closing the laptop, Natasha let out a shuddering breath, before nodding to the nurse who was patiently waiting outside for her to end the call.

_She’d always enjoyed learning new things, but now…now she wished she could forget._


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have to add to that warning:  
> WARNING: This chapter contains references to child sexual abuse so please read at your own risk. It's only at the end, but I'd rather you all air on the side of caution...also is that the right word? I had a late work night so like my brain is still kicking in.
> 
> That's all, you know me, I just want to make sure you all are okay. But my kitten just helped herself to my tea and then proceeded to cough into it when she realized it was hot and keeps trying to play with my computer.
> 
> Anyways, grab your breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack and tissues and enjoy the chapter!  
> -MG

_Saturday Morning,_

_The Children’s Hospital_

Growing up she’d only had to worry about one thing: surviving. That was the goal after all and after all these years she still wonders why it meant so much to her. She had to kill to survive, but she’d never had to worry about anyone else’s survival but her own. She’d been so worried about this being like Irina all over again, but she was starting to realize this was a monster all its own. One not even her mind could conger.

It was early morning and the hospital was already wide awake. Donna had brought Billy by yesterday to meet her and Ellie, and the little boy was so excited that his mom had made a new friend. Out of everything he was facing, that seemed to be his biggest concern and she found it both sweet and concerning. Dr. Brighton had also stopped in with a physical therapist who had Ellie’s brace. She hated it with a passion, Natasha could tell, as the little girl fussed before settling on a sour face.

It was stiff and hindered her movements, but Dr. Brighton assured it was more for outside use than at home and only temporary. She even recommended buying this sling for her crib. It was like a baby hammock, but it would support her and keep her from turning in her sleep. Meaning she wouldn’t have to wear the brace to bed. It sounded like a good trade for Natasha, but she was worried about how the brace would affect Ellie’s spinal column and crawling. As is, they were now looking into starting PT to make sure Ellie didn’t fall behind. She’d be weaker than normal kids and they didn’t want her to be hindered any more than she already was.

The therapist had stayed for a while and gone through different exercises to help stimulate Ellie’s muscles and keep her on tract with crawling and eventually walking. After that he showed her how to properly put on and adjust the brace. Ellie was still in a bit of pain, would be for a while, so Natasha spent most of the session keeping her calm now that the sedative wasn’t as active. Afterwards though, everything had quieted down, and it was just her and Ellie. She’d brought Ellie’s little support ring with them and set her on the bed with her as she tried to crochet a little.

Waking up this morning, she’d taken a quick shower and eaten a protein bar (the food wasn’t awful, but she just couldn’t do it for three days in a row) before helping the nurse change Ellie’s dressings. The swelling had finally started to go down, but her torso was still completely bruised, her stiches going from collar bone to her bellybutton. She did her best to be gentle as she applied the medical cream. Checking each stich with an expert eye to make sure nothing was tearing or leaking.

Keeping Ellie from playing with her line was another issue though. She kept trying to grab it whenever Natasha and the nurse changed her, thinking it was just another one of her toys. A toy that was linked to medical equipment and her subclavian that if ripped out could kill her…Natasha just tried to keep her occupied with other toys and prayed Ellie lost interest in it soon.

That was an hour ago, now she was seated on the bed trying to catch up on the last few chapters of book three, so she could move on to book four before Ellie woke up from her nap and they went home. She would have been done with it by now, but she’d needed something more mind numbing as of late and spent most of the night these past few nights trying to perfect those damn blanket squares. She’d even ordered a book off Amazon when she ordered Ellie’s hammock. She knew she was probably too invested, but she’d promised to make them, and it was for a good cause.

Something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye and she looked out the window into the hallway to see quite a few of the nurses had gathered at the nurse’s station. More than usual, and it didn’t take her long to realize it was because something or better yet, _someone_ had caught their attention. She narrowed her eyes as she watched Steve try to evade all of them before making his way towards the room.

She smiled once catching his gaze and he looked almost relived to see her. It was an odd sensation, but she felt a little relieved as well. She slid from the bed when he walked in the door and stood up on her toes to wrap her arms around his neck hugging him tight. She let out a breath when he hugged her back, the tension in her body easing. She felt him ease into the hug and nuzzle his face into her neck pressing a chaste kiss there. It surprised her a little, but not as much as the one he presses to her lips as she pulls back to look at him. She doesn’t let her surprise show though, as she cups his cheek in her hand and kisses him back.

“Hi,” she says when they part. Her voice sounds a little strained to her ears, but she glances out of the corner of her eye to see the nurses leaving a little too quickly.

“Hi,” looking back at Steve’s expression she can’t quite pinpoint where his thoughts are at and it makes her heart pang a little. She covers it up with a slight smirk crossing her features.

“You know…if I didn’t know any better I’d say you just kissed me to get those nurses off your scent.”

He laughs a little shaking his head,

“I thought it’d look weird if I didn’t kiss my wife after not seeing her for two days…after all you’re the one who taught me that.”

She hummed, pulling away completely, she now noticed he was carrying a drink holder with two large coffees and a bag of take out. She took the coffee, walking back to the bed, she lifted the lid off the cup taking a deep breath,

“You didn’t have to bring me food.” Natasha said, replacing the lid and changing the subject as Steve walked over to Ellie’s crib.

She watched his expression change as he brushed Ellie’s cheek with the back of his finger. His shoulders relaxed, and he seemed even calmer now.

“I wanted to. Figured you might want something that didn’t come from the hospital cafeteria.” Steve finally responded, seeming to realize she’d spoken to him. “How is she?”

“She’s good.” Natasha answered, smiling a little as Steve reluctantly pulled away from crib. She could tell he had a lot on his mind. Things he wanted to say and ask but didn’t know how. “Come on, help me eat this?”

He nodded sitting on the opposite side of the tray table as she handed him the containers of food.

“So, how bad was this morning?” Natasha asked, referring to Lexi. She knew the girl had been giving him a hard time while she was away and she had no doubts that today would be any different.

Steve shrugged adding a little sugar to his coffee.

“Lexi was okay, disappointed she couldn’t come with me, but excited that you’re coming back.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him. No way it was that easy.

“Wanna try that again?”

Steve sighed, handing her a pack of plastic silverware.

“Okay fine, I agreed to let her have ice cream if she was good with Sharon. But she is excited about you though!”

Natasha playfully rolled her eyes at him. He was so easy sometimes.

“Did they tell you when she can be released exactly?” Steve asked then, changing the subject back.

“Yeah, they’re going to run a few more tests to make sure but should only be a few more hours.” Natasha answered as she fixed her own coffee.

“Hey…” Steve reached out taking her hand, making her look at him. She could see the concern in his eyes now and she relaxed a little. “talk to me.”

“Sorry, it’s just…” She contemplated on what to say, what to tell him, but none of it seemed right, sighing she shook her head, “it’s just been a long couple of days.”

“I know. Have you slept at all?”

She tensed at that, taking back her hand as she busied herself with getting the rest of their breakfast out of the bag.

“A little…they come in and out of here all night like clockwork so it’s hard to get any decent amount of shut eye.”

“Is that the only thing? You’re coiled like a spring.”

_Really?_ She thought she was pretty relaxed all things considered.

“It’s a lot of things…look the nurses are going to want to talk to you about Ellie’s home care before we can leave.”

She didn’t want to talk about any of this here. Not right now, they’d have plenty of time to talk later. One look at him though and she could see the slight hurt in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be evasive, I just really can’t focus on that right now.” _Or I might break._

“Okay…”

“Look I promise, once we’re out of here we’ll talk.”

“Alright.”

“Okay…” She looked back down at the containers and then at the clock. It felt like it was stuck in the same place and time would never move. She sighed taking a deep breath,

“I freaked out…that first night when they came in to change Ellie’s dressings and administer her meds, I panicked.”

She could feel the weight of Steve’s stare on her as she pushed her food away and focused on what she wanted to say, how she could say it.

“They wanted me to do it…because I’ll be the one to do it when we leave and…and I couldn’t find the difference…between them and where I grew up. And I only made things worse when Jenifer questioned me about it, by just doing what they told me and that ended pretty much how you might expect. So…”

“I should have stayed with you.”

She laughed at him, looking up to see the regret in his eyes. It was such a Steve thing to say,

“It wouldn’t have made a difference…but I feel like I just keep getting deeper and deeper into this. I mean one of the mom’s now wants me to join with this support group and has me making Avengers Octopi and blanket squares.”

Steve covered a laugh, raising and eyebrow.

“I’m sorry what?”

She rolled her eyes reaching down and pulling up the example pictures. Showing him what she meant. He simply nodded slowly taking it in.

“Okay then…but why did you even go?”

She sighed taking the sheet back.

“Because she wasn’t going to go away, and I believed her when she said it was just crocheting. Turns out that happens after the group therapy session.”

“So, she took you to group therapy?” Steve asked as though he hadn’t heard her the first time.

“I don’t think I’ve ever come across something more screwed up in my life and I felt so…like everything I’ve gone through is nothing compared to that and yet somehow not so different.” She shook her head still unsure of what to make of everything.

“You know…it doesn’t sound bad.”

She frowned at him. Of course, he would think that, after all he’d tried to get her to go earlier on.

“I’m finishing these damn squids and squares, but that’s it. I don’t belong there. She’s not even my kid, I have no right to be there.”

He nodded gently watching her carefully,

“She may not be your kid Nat, but…this has become our life now. I’m not saying you should stick with it forever, but we both know you wouldn’t have sat through it all the way to arts and crafts for nothing. Some part of you feels connected to it and while it might not be exactly what you need, it’s still something. Tell me, how did you feel afterword’s, about Ellie?”

She looked over to the crib and felt a small sliver of a smile appear.

“Frustrated, sick…hopeful. I don’t know…more in control. In a messed-up way.”

Steve smiled at her,

“It’s not messed up to feel both in and out of control. You’re navigating new territory Nat, we both are. It’ll get easier, but it won’t be because you’re used to it, it’ll be because your mind will realize there’s nothing harmful with what you are doing. Now as far as the lying is concerned that I’m still figuring out for myself, but I really don’t see the harm in spending time with others who are also facing similar situations with their children. Because we are. We signed documents stating that we are going to care for these girls and this is a part of that, so don’t worry about it okay?”

She let out a breath shaking her head. He seemed to always know what to say and when to say it.

“How do you do that? Is it just a part of your super power or what? Seriously I want to know your secret.” Natasha responded making him smirk,

“Eat your breakfast, Romanoff.” Steve quipped, pushing her food towards her.

“Aye, aye Captain.”

* * *

“You know you are going to have to go inside.” Steve says as they sit outside the house.

After a few more hours of waiting, Dr. Brighton finally signed off on Ellie’s discharge papers deeming them free to go and after an hour and half in the car you’d think one might be eager to go inside. But she wasn’t quite ready yet, they still had one more thing to discuss and while she would prefer not to have to tell him anything, leave him the only one left with plausible deniability, she knew she couldn’t not tell him.

“I know, but there’s something else I need to tell you first.” Natasha said turning in her seat. She could see she had his attention and took a deep breath,

“Fury came by to see me at the hospital that first night. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry, but he told me everything Steve and it’s a mess. Fury hired the Hastings after he inquired about Rhino Tech when talking to Christopher. The man apparently saved Fury’s ass a while back or vise versa either way Christopher promised Fury information anything he wanted as long as he and Melissa walked away from this. Fury claims he had no idea about what Christopher was up to or about the girls and he didn’t say whether or not he thinks there’s more to this or not, but regardless things got messy when MI6 caught wind and went for the Hastings. And now…”

“And now here we are.” Steve finished sitting back in his seat. “Why was Fury looking into them?”

“Because Rhino Tech is in the mists of negotiating a contract with SHIELD and Fury wants to be absolutely certain his hunch is right.”

“Why not send us in to begin with?”

“Because the council doesn’t know Fury objects to this and if he were to tell them, they’d shut him down just for questioning them. You saw what happened when he opposed the situation in New York.”

“Yeah, they sent a Nuke.”

“Exactly.”

“What I don’t get is why Christopher was so willing to help and if Fury didn’t know about the girls how did the link get set up?”

That was a good question…

“I don’t know, and while I have a feeling he’s still not telling us everything we need to stop asking. It’s no longer important, what is, is that Rhino Tech doesn’t know we’re agents and that the Hastings were hesitant because of the deal with Fury. Chances are they’d heard about it before and denied it, we might never know. But now we’re here.”

“So, what? Fury was just going to get the information, let them go…” Steve asked trying to pull more information.

“Yes and No…depending on how things went, Fury was going to pretend they never existed and instead say they were aliases for agents…our aliases actually. If things went bad, we were to be the fall back guys.”

He let out a bitter laugh shaking his head,

“Of course, we are…and I suppose we were just supposed to get on board with this when and if that had happened?”

She nodded looking down at her lap, now came the crushing blow,

“Steve…because Fury gave me that file, it now makes us both more liable than even him or Hill. Because we now know everything, we are essentially on the same level as them and therefore every decision we make from here on out are ones made on our own, not there’s. Which means we don’t have help, if things go wrong, we’re essentially rogue agents on this.”

“And it just keeps getting better…”

“I’m sorry Steve, I shouldn’t have done this.”

“I don’t think even you could have anticipated this.”

She smiles a little at that, shaking her head,

“He wants us to take over say with the girls, like we hadn’t already, and anything further, but for now he wants them to be our main focus. Or mine at least. Whatever’s going on within Rhino Tech has Fury spooked, and I don’t like it.”

“Whatever’s going on within Rhino Tech better be worth all of this as far as I’m concerned.” Steve responded running a hand through his hair. “Did he say anything else?”

She shook her head,

“Nothing important, no, just gave me the full file and told me to take care of the girls.”

She wished she could say more to ease his mind, but that would bring up more questions she couldn’t answer. He seemed to accept that though as he looked back to the house.

“Then what about Agent 13?”

Natasha sighed sitting back in her seat. She hadn’t asked, but assumed the other woman was aware of what was going on.

“I assume she knows about the situation. Only her, Fury and Maria were listed as lead agents who came into direct contact with the girl’s information.”

“So why not send Maria in a blonde wig instead?” Steve questioned.

He brought up a good point, why involve Sharon? Fury had said he’d always planned on her involvement, but why if he wanted to keep this so quiet? And why not just send her to begin with? After all she was more equipped to handle protection details.

“I don’t know, but I think it’s time we ask.”

Walking through the front door Natasha scanned the area noticing nothing amiss. She heard footsteps from upstairs and looked up to see Lexi come bounding down the stairs with Sharon at her heals.

“Mommy!”

Natasha smiled, shoving aside everything else as she picked the girl up hugging her tight,

“Hi baby girl!”

Lexi wrapped her little body around hers as tight as she could, and her heart panged a little at knowing she’d been the cause of Lexi’s worries.

“Welcome back.” Sharon said as she got to the bottom of the landing. “Come on Lexi, let’s let them get through the front door.”

Lexi pouted, but slid down from her arms to let them get all the way inside. Ellie was asleep again and Steve offered to take her upstairs, so she could deal with Lexi. The little girl was gripping her leg with one hand and she could tell this was going to be a long night.

“Sissy?”

Natasha knelt down, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Lexi’s ear,

“She’s okay, just sleepy.” Natasha reassured her, but Lexi still seemed hesitant as she moved back in to tuck herself against Natasha. She sighed inwardly, as she stood back up straight with Lexi in her arms.

They were in for a long night indeed.

* * *

“What that?” Lexi asked for the tenth time that evening as Natasha stood at the changing table with Ellie.

Lexi had taken it upon herself to bring the step stool from the bathroom into Ellie’s room to boost herself up onto the dresser and watch everything. Currently Natasha was just trying to change Ellie’s diaper to get her ready for bed, but again Ellie found her tubing. After distracting her with a toy it had caught Lexi’s attention and the stitches and bruising causing her to start the game of twenty questions. It was giving her a headache and all she wanted to do was go to sleep.

“It’s to give her the medicine she needs.”

“Why?”

“Because she doesn’t know how to take pills yet.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s a baby.”

“She hurt?”

“No.”

“But ouchy.” Lexi said pointing to the stitches. Natasha sighed tossing the dirty diaper. She still had to give Ellie her meds, but she didn’t want Lexi to see it. As is, she wasn’t pleased she had to see her sister like this.

“A little, now please go brush your teeth.” Natasha asked, as she pulled the medical kit out of the drawer.

“But I’s help.” Lexi said reaching for the kit.

“Alexis no!” Natasha yelled, swiftly taking ahold of the little girl and depositing her on the floor. Lexi gave a screech of protest batting her hands away.

“I’s help!”

“Alexis, enough, I said no, now go to your room.” Natasha ordered only seeming to upset the little girl further as the crying intensified. Just as she thought she’d reached her limit Steve was there.

“Alexis come on now none of that.” Steve said picking her up as the little girl went running to him. He eyed her carefully before nodding to the door. “I got her,”

She watched him leave the room as he gently talked Lexi down from her hysterics. She heard a small cry and spun around to find Ellie playing with her tubes. She cursed grabbing the toy as she quickly pulled back the gauze over her stitching. It was clear only slightly irritated, and she let out a heavy breath as she leaned forward on the dresser.

_Get it together Romanoff this isn’t like you._

Taking a steady breath, she got to work on administering Ellie’s meds before dressing her for bed. She was almost asleep by the time she was finished, so she scooped her up, cradling her close to her chest as she moved to dim the lights and settle in the rocker. She heard Steve’s distinct footsteps as they stopped in the door, but she didn’t look up.

“She asleep?”

“Yeah…you okay?” Steve asked as he leaned against the door.

“I yelled at her,” Natasha confessed as she sat in the dark watching Ellie’s eyelids flutter. “I didn’t mean to I just…the thought of her wanting to help…”

Steve sighed coming to kneel next to her.

“She’s two Nat, she doesn’t understand.” She knew his words were meant to put her at ease, but they only made it worse. Lexi was so vulnerable at this age, so pliable…

“I know, but the thought…it scares me.”

His brow furrowed as he took in her words.

“She scares you?” Steve asked in disbelief. It was a silly notion that a child could scare her, but it was true. She nodded not sure what to say or how to say it really.

“Nat she’s a child, she saw her sister needed something and she wanted to help, that’s not a bad thing.”

“But it could have been.” Natasha looked back at him with an intenseness in her gaze he’d never seen before. “Do you know the first time I ever shot a gun, it was because I saw it sitting on the shelf of the headmaster’s office and she asked me if I wanted to know how it worked? I was four Steve. Not two years later I was using it against another girl so don’t tell me it’s not a bad thing.”

She held his gaze daring him to make a move, but he just stared back at her, not flinching.

“Say something.” Natasha ground out, but he shook his head,

“There’s nothing to say Natasha. We both know that whatever I say right now won’t make a difference, not when you’re like this. Your exhausted and need to get some decent shut eye so how about we call it a night?”

“We still have to talk to Sharon.”

Steve nodded slowly, helping her stand,

“And we will, but not right now.”

His hand never left her lower back as she placed Ellie in her crib and walked out of the room. They both went about their nightly routine and as she made her way over to the bed Steve pulled the covers aside for her to get in. She rolled her eyes at him as he motioned for to get in. Her body felt like it was being pulled by a magnet as she sat down; the smooth, cool cotton of the sheets mixed with the soft familiar scent of them easing the tension in her body.

“You think I’m crazy.” Natasha whispered as she felt the bed dip beside her.

“No, but I do think you’re over analyzing the situation. Lexi is curious and excitable, and she has a big heart for someone so little. I stand by what I said, but I also see why you’re afraid of her wanting to help. But they aren’t the same things Nat.”

She shook her head, looking down at her hands.

“I know…but I see her willingness and I’m afraid of what it’ll do to her. A gun was just one of many things my willingness, my curiosity got me into.”

“Nat-”

“No Steve, I have to say this,” Natasha interrupted sitting up.

“You have no idea what it’s like to be so open so carefree after thinking you’ve found something only to realize you’ve been fooled but can’t say anything because they saved you. They took _you_ in. It can’t be that bad if they were so gracious. So, what if they take away dinner because you failed spelling, so what if they beat you for asking a question, so what if they look away as you’re cornered by a guard, and then lock you away for a week because you bit back when it stopped feeling okay, and so on and so on until your beaten down so much you can’t tell the difference anymore. And killing the girl next to you is _nothing_ compared to everything else. Because killing gets you a room all your own, because stealing information gets the suicide bars taken off your windows, because seducing a mark makes you feel like you have power again and those same men who felt like they had power over you now fear you…”

Her voice was tight with the repressed emotions as she took a breath,

“I don’t want that for her Steve…and while I’d like to pretend that those things only happened there, they don’t. All it takes is for someone to notice that willingness to destroy her and exploit her. I never bit back after that first time…not until it was too late, and I’d made a name for myself. I don’t want her to grow up like that…”

“She won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, because she has you.”

Natasha looked up at his eyes to see the sincerity within them. He really did believe that, but she could also see the sadness there that he was desperately trying to hide. She’d just spilled these things out onto him without hesitation and she never stopped to realize what that meant.

“I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Hey it’s okay,” Steve said reaching out to her, but she pulled away.

“No please just forget I ever said anything.” Natasha asked turning over so that her back was to him.

“Nat-”

“Goodnight Steve.”

She listened as the sheets rustled as he settled down next to her turning out the light.

“Goodnight Nat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like, I hadn't intended on having her discuss her past like this right now but it just happened and so I just went with it. 
> 
> It's a very controversial topic that people do not like discussing and I completely understand why, but I read a piece Good Morning America did several weeks ago on it by a mom who knew her son was abused but couldn't do anything because the son wouldn't say anything to any adults and she only found out because he told another classmate who told their parent. She was blunt and said things as they were and it was extremely powerful and helped influence this little portion. If you would like I can find the link, but for now I won't get more into it for the sake of others. 
> 
> But as a writer I find it my duty to not only bring to you a story you will enjoy but one that will also impact and inform. As a child I knew I always wanted to have a voice for others but as I grew older it got smaller and when I found it through writing I knew this was how I could go about sharing and bringing light to things that I not only find important, but things that no one else will discuss. My only hope is that I might inspire someone else to do the same thing. Just because this is fiction doesn't mean it can't have a touch of reality.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M ALIVE!  
> I'm sorry for how long it's taken me to update, and for being horrible at responding to comments in the last month alone. Life got busy and I started back up at school again (never again will I take five classes, I'm slightly in over my head and it's stressing me out and why do I have to take a science lab when I'm a business major??? Do non-American institutions require it as well?), but I will try my best to be better. You all have given this story so much love and feedback and I don't know what I did to deserve it from all of you. A lot of people wouldn't stick with a story this long with updates the way they are and your dedication and love to it mean the world to me. So Thank You!
> 
> As for the chapter the previous warnings still apply as well as the tags above, but the highlighted ones are: suicidal thoughts, and attempts are discussed (NO ACTIONS ARE TAKEN), as well as childhood trauma.
> 
> Please enjoy the chapter and as always comments are appreciated! I love knowing your thoughts on the chapter, characters anything that you personally loved or something you just want to talk about and I encourage open comments, so others can join in the discussion as well. 
> 
> I'd also like to let you know that if you would like to receive updates or notifications whenever I post something about this story on Tumblr you can go to my Tumblr at gomustanggirl16 and submit your username/url to my inbox (it's set so I receive any and all asks from Tumblr's I do/do not follow) and I'll tag you in anything Hastings. I'll add the link at the end of the chapter along with the link to the Hasting's playlist I created because I'm trash. 
> 
> Okay I'm done babbling go enjoy the update!

Link to the playlist on Tumblr: [The Hastings Playlist](https://gomustanggirl16.tumblr.com/post/178542708504/my-hastings-playlist) 

* * *

 

Natasha felt like the world was slipping through her fingers. She tried not to think about it, but it always seemed to pool into her thoughts, drowning her. She’d gotten too close, too brash, too determined to prove something so-so… _petty_. She felt like she was losing control of herself and couldn’t help but fear what that might mean for the future.

_God she was so tired._

It’s been a very long time since she’d last had so much trouble sleeping. Sure, a night here and there, but never days upon end. When the clock finally hit seven a.m., Natasha rolled out of bed to get started on breakfast for the girls as Steve got up to go for his run. Sharon too was already up by the time Natasha got downstairs with the girls, her things by the door. Natasha raised an eyebrow as she passed them.

“Morning,” Natasha greeted as she made her way into the kitchen.

“Morning,” Sharon replied as she filled a to-go mug with coffee.

“What time are you expected back?” Natasha asked as she too got herself some coffee.

“Technically not until tomorrow morning but I have a few things that need to be taken care of before then. Now that Ellie’s out of the hospital I figured you guys might be sick of me,” Sharon quipped. Natasha shrugged in reply as she fixed her coffee.

She felt like she should say something more, but her brain wasn’t all that into starting a conversation.

“Romanoff?”

Natasha hummed looking up at the other woman who had a very confused expression on her face.

“You, uh put coffee in Ellie’s bottle.”

Natasha frowned, looking down to find that she had, indeed, filled Ellie’s bottle with coffee. She heard Lexi giggle from the table and quickly dumped the coffee as she retrieved another bottle for the babe.

“I can stay another day if you need to catch up on some sleep,” Sharon offered.

Natasha stiffened for a split second before shaking her head.

“I’m fine. Besides your due back at work and I’d hate to hold you up.”

She could feel Sharon’s eyes scrutinizing her. She made sure to focus on putting the coffee in her mug and the formula in the bottle.

“Really it’s no trouble…”

Natasha sighed bracing her hands on the counter before turning to face Sharon, her posture one of defense.

“Why are you here?” Natasha asked, “And don’t tell me it’s because you were assigned this case. Fury told me everything, so I know there must be more to this. Were you supposed to check in on the Hastings from the start?”

Sharon pressed her hand to the island as she closed in on Natasha.

“I was wondering how long it would take before he gave you the intel.”

“Still doesn’t answer the question. Does Melissa actually have a sister?”

Sharon took a deep breath calming her features. She was clearly expecting this.

“Honestly? I don’t know, and it’s not my job _to_ know. My orders don’t change.”

“Why even involve you to begin with? I’m sure Hill would have sufficed.”

Sharon shrugged,

“I have connections, strong ones, and I also have a degree in psychology so that might be why as well. Either way, Director Fury asked for my help, and that’s what I’m doing.”

Natasha watched the other woman carefully trying to find the lie, but it seemed as though Fury was keeping this as close to his vest for her as he was them.

“Believe me, I have just as many questions as you do. But as far as I know, I am here to aid in the care of the girls and nothing more. Before that I was not involved in this case.” Sharon glanced to the clock on the stove before moving her gaze back to hers. “I have to get going, but you two know how to get into contact with me if you need my assistance. I’ll be seeing you.”

Natasha nodded, watching her go say her goodbyes to Lexi before heading for the door. As far as she could tell Sharon was telling the truth. She was just as lost in this mess as they were. She heard the door open and close again, not having to look up from the stove to know it was Steve returning from his run.

“Hey, I just passed Sharon leaving.”

“Yeah, she has some things to finish before tomorrow, but I talked to her already. She doesn’t know any more than what Fury’s already disclosed,” she said, looking up at him. He simply nodded pointing over his shoulder.

“Okay then. I’m gonna go take a shower and I’ll be back down in a few.”

She didn’t bother keeping her attention on him as he walked back upstairs, turning her focus back to breakfast. Steve returned, helping her finish up. He was rather quiet but sat through Lexi’s chatter going back and forth with her as they ate. She’d expected more. She wasn’t sure why, but the last time they’d gotten into something like that he kept asking questions, stuck to her like glue. So when he agreed to take Lexi to the park after finishing breakfast, she was surprised.

A short time later, Natasha found herself still lamenting over Steve’s reaction. She shook her head, picking up the freshly hung clothes, taking them into the closet. She hung them up on their proper racks, but upon turning to leave, she hesitated. Glancing to where the safe was that held her gun and cuffs, she started absently rubbing at her wrist. She knelt, shoving the clothes aside, and quickly entered the code unlocking the safe. She paused, taking the cool metal cuffs into her hands. The familiar weight of them giving her a sickening sense of security.

She hadn’t needed them for a while now. Besides with Steve sleeping next to her, she couldn’t risk him waking up to find her like that. But Sharon was gone now, opening up a room and as long as she woke up before him and made it back upstairs in time, he would never know.

“Nat! We’re back!”

Steve’s voice ripped her from her thoughts as she cursed under her breath quickly replacing the cuffs and clothes, before her mind continued further along its dark path. She was tired and stressed out from the stay at the hospital and her slip from the night before. No need to entertain those kinds of thoughts. Besides, it clearly didn’t seem to affect Steve or anything else except her, so no need to keep dwelling on it. With that in mind, she forced a smile onto her face as she left the bedroom to go greet the duo.

* * *

The days seemed to drag on and on as she got Ellie adjusted to being back at home again and taking her meds via her port. It took her a while to get used to it too, but she was beginning to feel numb. Sleeping was also becoming more of a struggle as the constant reminder of the cuff’s location weighed on her. She found herself more than once staring at the safe waring with herself about the old habit. Its true what they say, old habits die hard.

On the third night she finally felt like she was at her tipping point. Like she was going to boil over soon if she didn’t do _something. Anything._ But putting those cuffs back on felt like she was throwing away all the hard work and effort she’d put in to rid herself of their bond. She needed to get her aggression out. Take it out on something. She eyed her gun case quickly retrieving it and slipping out of the bedroom. She grabbed an empty pizza box from the trash, super glue, a tarp and the bag of charcoal before making her exit.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been driving for, but she knew she needed to be far enough out for no one to hear the shots. Last thing they needed was for her to get caught shooting up a pizza box in the middle of nowhere at an ungodly hour. She finally reached a secluded enough area and parked the car, before getting to work on gluing the charcoal to the box and finding a tree to string it up to.

She moved about fifty feet from her target before taking aim. She took a slow deep breath in, releasing the trigger as she exhaled, the lumps of charcoal exploding one by one. Her heart was racing in her chest with the rush of adrenaline shooting through her veins. There was something empowering about holding a gun. It had power sure, but without it’s wielder it was just a hunk of metal. It simply provided the wielder with the outlet-the control-that was missing…that she was missing.

_“I walked in through the doors yesterday morning, sat down with Kelly and felt more relaxed than I’ve felt in a few weeks._ _Three months ago, I wanted nothing more than for this to be over and now I almost wish we didn’t have to leave…”_

Natasha dropped the gun as the last round hit its mark; the thud resonating in her ears as she took a shaky breath looking around.

_What am I doing out here?_

She felt a heavy drop of water fall onto her head, then another and another as the sky opened up above her. _Shit._ She quickly picked up her gun, packing it away before going to collect her shell casings and bullets into the tarp, making sure she didn’t leave any evidence behind. She threw everything into the backseat, before climbing in herself. She cranked up the heat trying to warm her hands before heading home.

Pulling back into the drive way she was careful to turn off her headlights as to not alert anyone to her presence. She sat there a few moments longer before pulling her keys from the ignition, picking the gun case up from the seat next her and back inside on silent feet.

“Where the hell have you been!” Natasha froze, the lights in the hallway flicking on and she turned around slowly to face Steve. He stood at the entrance of the foyer, his face contorted in anger, as he looked her over.

She licked her lips, gripping the handle to the case a little tighter as she tried to stop the slight shiver in her body.

“I couldn’t sleep so I went for a drive.”

“With your gun?”

Natasha swallowed the knot in her throat, nodding.

“Safety precaution.”

“So, you weren’t planning on killing yourself?”

Natasha blinked, looking up at him. _He…he thought…_

“What?”

“Don’t, don’t do that! I know you’ve been going into the closet after I’ve gone to bed to stare at the safe! Do you have any idea how worried I was to find you gone!”

“Steve-”

“No! No!” Steve stepped closer to her, his breathing deep as he tried to hold onto the last little bit of his composure.

“I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to. I’ve given you space. I’ve backed off, I have tried to let it go, but tonight…I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t call anyone. I couldn’t leave because we have two girls upstairs depending on us. You didn’t even bother to bring your phone, you disabled the van’s GPS…I have been sitting by the computer tapped into the state police radio waiting to hear that they found your body! You do _not_ get to play this off!”

“I…” her eyes welled up with tears as she took in his words, his face, the broken tears in his eyes…a heavy sob lodged in her throat as the weight finally consumed her. She dropped the case as she moved to close the gap between them, holding onto him as tight as she possibly could. They couldn’t keep going on like this, it’s going to kill them…it _is_ killing them.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, sorry…”

_\--_

_Guilt is rooted in actions of the past,_

_perpetrated in the lack of action in the present,_

_and delivered in the future as pain and suffering._

_David Roppo_

* * *

Link to my ask box on Tumblr: [gomustanggirl16 ask box](https://gomustanggirl16.tumblr.com/ask)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote at the end is something I came across on Pinterest when I was looking at some for my own personal issues. I suffer from PTSD and something known as Survivors Guilt (sometimes called Survivors Remorse) and this quote struck me hard. Guilt is one of, if not the most, powerful emotion, even more than love. Love is only a fuel for guilt and to those who know me personally know that it is something I struggle deeply with. It's also the reason I relate to Steve so much that I sometimes struggle to write him on a deep level like this story. He too suffers deeply from it and I went on a whole explanation on it when talking to another writer a few months ago and I've thought about posting my thoughts on it, maybe later today I will, but guilt is one of the driving emotions of this story and I just felt it added something to the story by adding it. Guilt shows itself in many forms and you will see these many forms throughout the story and I think I'll put something together on Tumlbr that goes over those forms and how it relates to each aspect of the story.
> 
> Anyways, like I said, feel free to comment, give your opinions, this is an open space talk with each other too, I want you all to feel as involved in this as I am.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> So yesterday we lost someone very important to our fandom. He impacted a lot of you and as sad as it is to see him go, we also know he wasn't without his ailments in this life and he is now free of those. He left behind a legacy and as fans it is our duty to help continue that legacy for the future generations. Without him, Jack Kirby and several others there would not be a fandom. So in honor of Stan Lee this chapter is dedicated to you. Thank you for giving me and so many others a foundation to help grow our gifts and talents together and create life long friendships and support systems we might not have ever been able to have before. Excelsior. 
> 
> WARNINGS: Same ones apply, heavy chapter btw, I may have broken some things...just a little. And realized somethings too. Enjoy you guys.

“You’re soaked,” Steve whispered into her hair, as he held her close to his chest. She could feel the beat of his heart slowing and took a moment to gather her thoughts.

“We need to talk,” Natasha said, deciding to ignore his comment in favor of getting this conversation over with.

“We will, but go get dried off first, okay? I’ll put some tea on and be up in a few.”

Natasha nodded, deciding it was best not to fight him, but leaving his embrace was harder than it should have been. How could he offer to make her tea after that? How could he still be so caring? She closed their bedroom door, quietly peeling off her wet clothes as she headed for the dresser. She would prefer a hot shower, but she supposed that could wait. As she pulled on her clothes, she paused at the site of her reflection in the mirror.

Her eyes were puffy and red, hair matted and wind-blown, skin pale and finger tips a little blue where they shook at her side. But what struck her the most is how empty she looked. She was stripped bare and it was a strange mix of disturbing yet almost comforting, which only made it more disturbing. She has a choice to make: keep hiding everything or just let it all out. It wasn’t like Steve was a stranger, but it really was like they were getting to know each other for the first time. It was quite frankly terrifying, but she didn’t want to hurt him anymore…she didn’t want to hurt herself anymore.

She heard the soft click of the door knob and quickly slipped her shirt over head as Steve entered the room with a steaming mug.

“Here, this should warm you up.” She accepted the mug with the hint of a smile, wrapping her icy fingers around the warm ceramic and taking a small sip.

“Sit down,” he motioned to the ottoman as he picked her brush up off the dresser.

He sat down behind her taking her hair in small sections, he gently brushed out the knots. Not once in her life does she recall someone ever doing her hair for her and it was oddly comforting.

“I thought you couldn’t do a girls hair?” Natasha asked as he started braiding it. She distinctly recalls him struggling with Lexi’s.

“Not on an antsy toddler, I can’t. Besides it at least resembled a braid just extremely disproportionate.” Steve defended, “Besides, it’d been about seventy-five years since my last try at one so I’m a little rusty.”

“Where’d you learn to do it?”

“My Ma…towards the end she started getting weaker and some days it was hard for her to even brush her own hair and it was always very important to her that she look her best, so I’d do it for her. Wouldn’t say it was as good as when she did it, but she never complained.”

Natasha let out a soft sigh turning around to face him.

“Steve…I know I haven’t been the best at keeping my word, but you have to understand, this isn’t easy for me.”

He nodded, looking to his hands as he avoided her gaze.

“I know it hasn’t, but I can’t understand something I know nothing about.”

When he looked at her then she could see the hurt in his eyes as he pleaded with her to give him something, _anything_. He didn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t have to put up with this.

“I know…and I want to do better, _be better_. That’s why I know I can’t keep hiding things from you. I don’t want to anymore. I can’t promise you that I’ll always be able to tell you what’s going through my head, but I promise to stop hiding it…starting with tonight.”

Natasha took a deep breath, trying to center her thoughts.

“I don’t think like that Steve. Do I sometimes wish I didn’t have to put up with the things I do anymore? Yes…but taking my own life…putting something like that on you…I’ve never thought about that. It’s not in me to.”

“Then what were you doing?” Steve’s voice was tired, like he’d been going around in circles for days on end as he seeks the answers to life’s greatest mysteries.

“I just wanted to get away, take out the anger and I thought…I thought it would be better then what I really wanted to do.”

She could see the confusion etched into his forehead as he was trying to decipher her words. Maybe it was best to just show him. She stood from the ottoman, going into the safe she pulled out the hand cuffs bringing them back over to where Steve still sat. She handed them to him and he frowned.

“Hand cuffs? I don’t understand.” He looked rather caught between regretting that he asked and worried.

“It’s how they used to make us sleep…back where I was raised. They would cuff us to our beds and in the morning the headmistress would return and uncuff us, so we could go about our day. I’m not one-hundred percent sure why they did it, but after a while we just learned to chain ourselves and by the time she would walk in we were ready. It’s not like we couldn’t get out of them if we wanted to, we knew how, but it just became a part of us…even after I left. I spent a long time after that fighting with it and for the last few years I’ve been okay, but tonight…tonight I felt like I was going to break and so I went out into the middle of nowhere and shot up a pizza box because I could control that.”

“Did it help?” Steve asked with the most painful expression she’d ever seen in his eyes, like he might be physically ill.

She shook her head biting her lip,

“No…it only made me think I needed it more. They made it seem like we had all the control and we had none of it and now that I have it I can’t use it, and it feels like I’m losing control of myself and I just…I don’t want to go back but sometimes…sometimes I just can’t help but think it might have been easier. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this, I wouldn’t have to look over my shoulder, no guilt, no shame. I never had any choices to make, I never had to worry about the consequences, it didn’t matter as long as I did what was expected of me.”

Every time she thought about it, it felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders. She hadn’t registered the small smile on her face until it was falling as she registered the disturbance within Steve’s eyes.

“That’s how you think?”

Her heart sunk as he asked the question and she realized then that it had clearly been a mistake. Just one after the other. It was stupid to think she could possibly make anything better by telling him her secrets. They were secret for a reason. It was stupid to think any of this could ever be anything good. How could it when she sometimes wished things had never changed? She slowly set her tea down beside her, keeping her gaze elsewhere, anywhere but on him.

“Sometimes…I know you’re disappointed, I know I let you down, but I can’t be that person you want me to be. This is who I am, all of my struggles, all of my pain, all of baggage, but it’s who I am…and it’s all I’ll ever be. And if that’s not okay than…than I guess there’s not left to say.”

She felt him shift beside her as he got up, his bare feet padding lightly against the hardwood floor. She looked up and watched him pull open the draw of his nightstand. He stared for a few moments before pulling out something wrapped in a wash cloth. He hesitated again, looking to her before closing the drawer and coming to sit back down as he handed it to her expectantly.

She took it, the object rather light as she unfolded the cloth finding an old rusted compass, the cover easily coming open as the hinges could no longer stay together. Looking closer the glass had cracked, and the arrow was fixed on the dial, remnants of paper in the lid had long since detreated leaving one to wonder who had the honor of being placed there.

“I’ve had that compass since I was eight years old. It was a gift from my father, he carried it in battle and so did I…I sat it on the dash of the Valkyrie, when I took it down. I certainly hadn’t expected to see it, or anything again. When the glass cracked water seeped inside freezing and rusting the dial, so it’s permanently fixed to the Valkyrie’s location. My father told me how it once saved him and three of his fellow soldiers when they got lost over enemy lines. Called it a good luck charm…I’ve never hated something more in my life than that compass. I used to look at it and see the face of the woman I loved, and I still see it…but it’s not the same. Because instead of telling myself when it’s over I’ll get my chance, I see everything I lost. I don’t want to go back, it wasn’t the best time and I never felt like I belonged, but it sure as hell beats waking up in a mock room and finding out nothing is the same. And wishing to go back has turned into wishing for history just to finally repeat itself…

“Nat, I never wanted you to be anyone but yourself. And I certainly never wanted you to feel like you had to be someone you are not. I know what it’s like thinking you’re supposed to be better than you are, after all Captain America’s the epitome of perfection, he’s the strongest person alive, he’s not supposed to enter a firefight wondering what would happen if a bullet were to hit him just right…”

Natasha was stunned, she knew he had his own problems, but she never thought…

“I…I guess we’re both pretty messed up then.”

“I guess we are.”

Natasha took a deep breath looking ahead as she really took time to process everything. He was just as damaged as she was, and she couldn’t see it.

“How could I have not seen it?” Natasha asked him, and he sighed.

“People see only what they want to see, not what they should…after a while, you start to make yourself look like that person in hopes that maybe you’ll become them.”

“Does it work?”

“Not really,” Steve admitted fiddling with the hand cuffs once again. “It’s kind of like getting lost in a fantasy. One where you have to stop and wonder what’s real and what’s not. You start to believe the lies until one day you begin to realize that’s not something normal people do, or that’s not a good feeling.”

Natasha knew all too well what that felt like, but she had never really associated one with the other. Putting on masks to be whoever, whenever needed verses becoming someone who you think everyone wants to see.

She turned to look at him, his head down, as he fiddled with the cuffs and for the first time, she felt like she was looking in a mirror. A mirror from _Alice in Wonderland_ , but a mirror nonetheless. Two broken people wronged by this world, thrust into a life neither knew how to live in…

“Come on,” Natasha stood extending her hand to him and he took it gently in his let her lead him downstairs.

She slipped her shoes and jacket back on and he hesitated a moment before following her lead. She went out into the garage finding a bottle of lighter fluid and an old metal trash can before unlocking the side door and stepping back out into the rain.

“What are we doing?” Steve asked as she set the can on the cement slab.

“Picking out the pieces,” Natasha responded, holding out her hand for her cuffs.

He handed them to her, and she tossed them into the bin. Turning back to him, she held out the compass silently asking him to trust her. He took it, tossing it in and she doused both in the lighter fluid before swiftly lighting a match and tossing it in, ushering him back inside and out of the rain.

“Promise me something?” Natasha whispered. She felt Steve’s arms encase her from behind as they watched the flames slowly turn their items to ash.

“I promise,” Steve agreed before Natasha could even tell him what he would be agreeing to.

“I haven’t even told you what it is yet.” Natasha responded, lacing her fingers with his.

“I already know, this goes both ways, you, me, we’re in this together.”

* * *

_As the flames danced in front of my eyes, I knew there was no turning back. This would be something neither one of us could ever come back from. It’s a lot to ask of someone, but as I looked into his eyes I found speaks of green, little imperfections I had never seen before, and I knew…_

_Sometimes in order to fix things you need to break them, pick out the pieces you like and the ones you don’t, until all that’s left is you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Loving Memory of Stan Lee 1922-2018

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are encouraged!


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